公园— Part 1 評分報告

建議: 문장 구조를 명확히 하고 불필요한 말버릇(umm, you know)을 줄이세요. 과거 시제(‘did’)에 맞춰 응답을 시작하고, 주제문(예: ‘Yes, I loved going to parks as a child.’)을 먼저 말한 뒤 구체적 이유나 상황을 한두 문장으로 덧붙이세요. 예: 장소(교외), 빈도 혹은 감정(꿈 같은 경험)을 더 간결하게 표현하세요.

範例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. I grew up in a rural suburb far from the city, so visiting a park was a special treat for us. I remember looking forward to the playground and open space because children in my village rarely had places to play.

建議: 명확한 주제문으로 시작하고 문장을 깔끔하게 정리하세요. 부정 표현을 사용할 때 혼동되지 않게 하고, 빈도(once a month)와 이유(특별한 행사, 가족 모임)를 연결어로 자연스럽게 이어 설명하세요. 말버릇과 중복 표현을 줄이면 더 명료해집니다.

範例: Not really — I only go to parks occasionally, about once a month. I usually visit when there are special events or family gatherings, so I don’t go for daily exercise but I still enjoy the atmosphere when I visit.

建議: 아이디어를 정확한 어휘로 표현하세요(예: ‘green space’ 대신 ‘green energies’는 부자연스럽습니다). 이유와 문제점을 논리적으로 연결하는 연결어를 사용하고 반복을 피하세요. 예: ‘Yes, because we need more green spaces; the city is largely residential with few parks.’

範例: Yes, I would, because our city needs more green spaces. Most of the area is filled with housing developments, so people have few places to relax outdoors and that makes it hard to access parks nearby.

建議: ‘Park’ 대신 장소의 정확한 표현을 사용하고 시제와 문법(‘is’ → ‘are’, ‘feels’)을 확인하세요. 감정 이유와 구체적 특징을 간결히 연결하세요. 예: ‘I want to visit Disneyland because of the themed areas, characters, and the nostalgic atmosphere.’

範例: One place I’d love to visit is Disneyland. I want to go because of its iconic characters, impressive themed areas, and beautiful park design — it would feel nostalgic and remind me of my childhood.

× Yes, I do. I, umm, actually I live in the suburb areas in very far away from the city and therefore going to the park is always the dream of uh, you know, village children. So going to the park is always my dream back then.

✓ Yes, I did. I actually lived in the suburbs, very far away from the city, so going to the park was always the dream of village children. Going to the park was always my dream back then.

문제가 되는 부분은 시제와 복수/전치사 사용입니다. 질문은 과거에 관한 것이므로 현재형 'do'와 'live'는 과거형 'did'와 'lived'로 바꿔야 합니다. 'suburb areas'는 자연스러운 표현이 아니며 'suburbs'가 적절합니다. 'in very far away from the city'는 전치사 사용과 어순이 잘못되어 'very far away from the city' 또는 'far from the city'로 고칩니다. 또한 'is always the dream'은 과거 맥락이므로 'was always the dream'으로 바꿔야 합니다.

× I think it's no, actually, I just go to the park once I have time and it's just not very often. Just once a month. I think I usually go there for like when we have special events or for family gatherings. It's but it's still, you know, umm, a really great.

✓ I don't now, actually. I only go to the park when I have time, and it's not very often — about once a month. I usually go there for special events or family gatherings. But it's still a really great place.

문제는 시제와 문장 구조입니다. 'I think it's no'는 부정 표현으로 부자연스러우므로 'I don't now' 또는 'Not really'로 바꿉니다. 'just go to the park once I have time'는 조건절 어순이 틀려 'when I have time'로 수정합니다. 'Just once a month'는 완전한 문장으로 연결되게 쉼표나 대시로 연결했고, 'for like when we have'의 'like'와 'when' 중 불필요한 단어를 제거했습니다. 마지막 문장은 'a really great'만으로 불완전하므로 'a really great place' 등 명사를 추가해야 합니다.

× Actually, yes, I do, because, you know, park is giving us the more green energies. But the fact that our city right now is, you know, lacking is all covered in the residential area, residential areas. So it's really a problem to get a park here.

✓ Actually, yes, I do, because parks give us more green space. But the problem is that our city is currently almost entirely covered by residential areas, so it's really difficult to find space for a park here.

주요 문제는 관사와 단어 선택입니다. 'park is giving us the more green energies'는 어색한 표현으로 'parks give us more green space'가 자연스럽습니다. 'the more'는 불필요하고 'green energies'는 일반적으로 쓰이지 않습니다. 'the fact that our city right now is, you know, lacking is all covered in the residential area'는 문장 구조와 관사 사용이 혼란스러우므로 'the problem is that our city is currently almost entirely covered by residential areas'처럼 간결하게 바꿨습니다.

× One park on my bucket list is Disneyland. I want to visit because it features iconic Disney characters and the park designs is very beautiful. It's feel nostalgic and remind me of my childhood, so I'm really excited to go to someday.

✓ One place on my bucket list is Disneyland. I want to visit because it features iconic Disney characters and the park's design is very beautiful. It feels nostalgic and reminds me of my childhood, so I'm really excited to go someday.

복수/단수 및 동사 일치 오류입니다. 'park designs is'는 단수/복수 불일치이므로 'the park's design is'로 수정했습니다. 'It's feel nostalgic'는 주어-동사 일치와 시제 오류로 'It feels nostalgic'로 고치고, 'remind me'는 주어가 단수이므로 'reminds me'로 바꿨습니다. 'go to someday'의 어순도 어색해 'go someday'로 수정했습니다.