公园— Part 1 評分報告

建議: Be more concise and correct small vocabulary and grammar errors. Begin with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Avoid filler words and repetitions (e.g., “I used to” repeated). Correct pronunciation/spelling of 'skyscrapers'.

範例: Yes – I loved going to parks with my mother when I was a child. Although I grew up in São Paulo, a large city full of skyscrapers, the few parks we had were large and beautiful, with lakes and playgrounds, so we always had plenty to do.

建議: Give a clear topic sentence and organize supporting points with linking words. Reduce hesitations and correct place-name ('Bulli Heads' or 'Bulli'). Be more specific about activities and avoid vague phrases. Use one or two cohesive linking words (for example, 'however', 'also').

範例: Yes, I still enjoy parks, especially since I live in Australia where there is abundant nature. Although I prefer the beach, I often visit the nearby national park to go on treks and watch native birds on the hills, which I find very relaxing.

建議: Start with a direct answer (Yes/No/Neutral) as the topic sentence. Remove unnecessary background information and repetitions. Use linking words to explain reasons for your opinion and provide one specific example. Avoid hesitations and wordiness.

範例: I'm neutral about that. I moved to Australia seven years ago, and I think local councils already balance urban areas with green spaces well; for example, each neighborhood here typically has at least one small park, so I don't feel more are necessary.

建議: Provide a clear topic sentence naming the park correctly (Mount Kosciuszko / Kosciuszko National Park). Remove filler words and correct geographical references. Use linking words to explain why you want to visit and give one specific detail about activities you would do.

範例: Yes, I would like to visit Kosciuszko National Park in New South Wales. I want to go because its alpine landscape and snowy areas are very different from coastal Australia; I would like to hike the trails and see the high mountain views.

× So we don't have quite good parks.

✓ So we didn't have very good parks.

The student is speaking about childhood (past time frame), so the verb should be in the past tense. 'Don't have' is present; use 'didn't have' to match 'when I was younger'. Also 'quite good' is unnatural here; 'very good' is a clearer collocation. Suggestion: Use past tense verbs when describing past situations (e.g., 'When I was younger, we didn't have many good parks').

× We have more like huge scribe scrappers and buildings.

✓ We had more like huge skyscrapers and buildings.

The student uses present tense and a misspelling 'scribe scrappers' instead of 'skyscrapers'. Also the time frame is childhood, so past tense 'had' is correct. 'More like' is acceptable informally; clarity improves with 'mainly' or 'mostly'. Suggestion: Correct vocabulary and match tense: 'We mainly had huge skyscrapers and buildings.'

× But the few parks that we have, they're amazing and huge.

✓ But the few parks we had were amazing and huge.

Again, speaker refers to childhood, so past tense should be used. 'Parks... they're' mixes plural subject with contraction in present. Use 'were' for past plural agreement. Suggestion: Keep tense consistent: 'The few parks we had were amazing and huge.'

× So we have so much to do Uh, we have lakes.

✓ There was so much to do. We had lakes.

Childhood context requires past tense. Also using 'There was' is more natural when introducing existence in the past. Suggestion: Use past existentials: 'There was so much to do; we had lakes.'

× I do prefer going to the beach but as I live in bully Heads I like going to national parks.

✓ I do prefer going to the beach, but as I live in Bulleen Heads I like going to national parks.

Pronoun issue is minor; primary problems are place name capitalization/spelling and punctuation. 'Bully Heads' is likely a mispronunciation/spelling; proper noun should be corrected. Comma before 'but' improves clarity. Suggestion: Verify correct place name and spell it correctly: 'as I live in Bulleen Heads'.

× I do have a National Park closer to my house and I love doing treks.

✓ I do have a national park close to my house, and I love going on treks.

'National Park' does not need capitalization unless it's part of a proper name. 'Closer to my house' is comparative without reference; 'close to my house' is correct. 'Doing treks' is awkward; 'going on treks' or 'hiking' is natural. Suggestion: Use 'a national park close to my house' and prefer 'go on treks' or 'hike'.

× I love watching the birds going to the top of the hill.

✓ I love watching the birds fly to the top of the hill.

'Watching the birds going to the top' is awkward; 'fly to the top' uses the verb that describes the birds' action. Use base verb 'fly' for a complete action. Suggestion: Use a clear verb for the birds' movement: 'watch birds fly to the top of the hill.'

× Umm, it has been seven years that I don't live in Brazil, so I'm living in Australia for seven years.

✓ Umm, I haven't lived in Brazil for seven years, so I've been living in Australia for seven years.

Mixing present perfect and negative simple present is incorrect. Use present perfect for duration: 'haven't lived' and 'have been living' to indicate continuous action from past to present. Suggestion: Use present perfect to express durations: 'I haven't lived in Brazil for seven years' and 'I've been living in Australia for seven years.'

× My opinion, I'm neutral.

✓ In my opinion, I'm neutral.

The phrase 'My opinion' is missing the preposition 'in' to form the idiom 'In my opinion'. This is a prepositional/phrase usage error closely tied to pronoun phrase structure. Suggestion: Use set phrase 'In my opinion' when giving opinions.

× Well, umm, I've been looking to mount Kosciuszko Park is a park between in the middle of NSW close to Trapdoor.

✓ Well, umm, I've been looking to go to Mount Kosciuszko. The park is in the middle of New South Wales, close to Thredbo.

The original sentence mixes clauses and has incorrect prepositions and place names. 'Looking to mount Kosciuszko Park' is ungrammatical; use 'looking to go to Mount Kosciuszko.' Also 'between in the middle of NSW' is redundant; use 'in the middle of New South Wales.' 'Trapdoor' is likely a mispronunciation of 'Thredbo'—proper place names should be corrected. Suggestion: Break into two clear sentences, correct prepositions and proper nouns: 'I've been looking to go to Mount Kosciuszko. It's in the middle of New South Wales, near Thredbo.'

× It's like close closer to there's now a mountains.

✓ It's closer to the mountains now.

The original has redundant and fragmented phrases. Use 'closer to the mountains' with correct word order and article 'the' for specific mountains. Suggestion: Simplify to 'It's closer to the mountains.'

× And I do think it's a place that I want to go because the landscape is totally different, has some snow parts, snowy parts and I think could be amazing.

✓ And I do think it's a place I want to go because the landscape is totally different; it has some snowy areas, and I think it could be amazing.

Use noun 'areas' instead of 'parts' and adjective placement 'snowy areas' is more natural. Also add subject 'it' and modal 'could' needs subject 'it' ('I think it could be amazing'). Punctuation and conjunctions improved for clarity. Suggestion: Use clear noun phrases and include subjects for clauses: 'it has some snowy areas, and I think it could be amazing.'