公园— Part 1 評分報告

建議: Be more concise and avoid overlong phrases. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Reduce filler and keep sentences to a maximum of five.

範例: Yes — I loved going to parks as a child. Because I was outgoing and liked exploring, I often played on playgrounds and tried different activities. Also, my parents usually stayed nearby, which made me feel safe and relaxed.

建議: Avoid contradictory phrasing and reduce hesitations. Begin with a clear direct answer (yes/no or degree), then give concise reasons and a cohesive concluding remark using linking words like "because" or "however."

範例: Not as often now, because university keeps me very busy with lectures and study. However, I still visit parks occasionally to relax and get fresh air between classes.

建議: Good content and clear reasons. To improve, use slightly more natural phrasing and one strong specific example to support the point. Keep sentences compact and avoid repeating similar ideas.

範例: Yes, I would. More parks would provide spaces for community events and sports, and they would help local wildlife by creating green corridors. For example, a new park with native plants could attract birds and pollinators while giving residents a place to meet.

建議: Remove fillers ("umm", "uh") and be more specific about which parks or regions. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add a specific example and a reason using linking words to make your answer more fluent and informative.

範例: Yes — I hope to visit national parks in the United States, especially ones in valleys or hilly areas like Yellowstone or Yosemite. Because I study zoology, I want to observe native wildlife and study different habitats in person.

× Due to having an extroverted personality that loves exploring new spaces, when I was younger I definitely enjoyed going outdoors, especially to parks that involve children's playgrounds.

✓ Because I had an extroverted personality and loved exploring new places, I definitely enjoyed going outdoors when I was younger, especially to parks with children's playgrounds.

The original sentence mixes participial phrasing awkwardly and uses 'involve' which is not the correct verb for facilities; 'that involve children's playgrounds' should be 'with children's playgrounds'. Also 'Due to having' is less natural than 'Because I had'. Reordering clarifies subject and tense agreement. Suggestion: Use 'Because' + past tense for explaining past habits and 'with' to indicate features of the parks.

× My parents also usually hang around while I played, which makes the atmosphere much more relaxed and calm.

✓ My parents also usually hung around while I played, which made the atmosphere much more relaxed and calm.

The sentence mixes past ('I played') with present ('hang' and 'makes'). For consistency in describing a past situation, verbs should be in the past tense: 'hung around' and 'made'. Suggestion: Keep verbs in the same time frame when describing past habitual actions.

× Not as much before since I am already a university student.

✓ Not as much now, since I am already a university student.

The adverb 'before' conflicts with the present-tense explanation 'I am already'. The intended meaning contrasts past and present, so 'now' is the correct word. Also the clause needs to connect properly to the rest of the sentence. Suggestion: Use 'now' when referring to current circumstances.

× I spend a lot of time and energy when it comes to my studies and attending lectures during school, uh hours.

✓ I spend a lot of time and energy on my studies and attending lectures during school hours.

The phrase 'when it comes to' is unnecessary and 'during school, uh hours' is disfluent and incorrectly punctuated. Use 'on' for spending time/energy 'on my studies' and combine 'school hours' without interruption. Suggestion: Remove filler words and streamline prepositional phrases.

× However, I do go to parks O occasionally to take a break or enjoy the outdoors.

✓ However, I do go to parks occasionally to take a break or enjoy the outdoors.

The stray 'O' is likely a transcription error. No preposition change is needed beyond removing the extraneous character. Ensure adverb placement is natural: 'go to parks occasionally'. Suggestion: Proofread transcripts to remove stray characters.

× Yes, I would love to see more parks in my city, as developing more parks will allow for more public facilities to be used for socializing events, and it can also improve the overall ecosystem by providing a habitat for the local wildlife.

✓ Yes, I would love to see more parks in my city, as developing more parks would provide more public spaces for social events and could also improve the overall ecosystem by providing habitat for local wildlife.

Use of 'will allow for more public facilities to be used for socializing events' is wordy and slightly awkward. 'Would provide' matches the conditional/desired tone after 'I would love'. 'Public spaces for social events' is clearer and 'could' is a better modal to indicate possibility. 'Habitat for local wildlife' avoids the definite article. Suggestion: Use concise phrasing and match modality across clauses.

× I would love to go to natural parks in umm, America, especially those situated in valleys or hills.

✓ I would love to go to natural parks in America, especially those situated in valleys or on hills.

Remove filler 'umm'. 'Valleys or hills' is fine, but 'on hills' is more natural than 'in hills'. Also 'America' is acceptable but consider 'the United States' if that is intended. Ensure preposition suits the noun: 'in valleys' and 'on hills'. Suggestion: Remove fillers and use correct prepositions: 'in valleys' and 'on hills'.

× I am someone that is very into, uh zoology.

✓ I am someone who is very into zoology.

Use 'who' for people rather than 'that'. Remove filler 'uh'. 'Into zoology' is informal but acceptable; 'interested in zoology' is more formal. Suggestion: Use 'who' with people and avoid filler words.

× That is why I would love to see some local wildlife in these natural parks.

✓ That is why I would love to see some local wildlife in those natural parks.

If referring to parks previously mentioned (in America), use 'those' rather than 'these' to maintain distance in discourse. Otherwise the sentence is grammatically correct. Suggestion: Choose demonstrative pronouns consistent with discourse distance.