学习— Part 1 評分報告

建議: Make your response more concise and structured: start with a clear topic sentence (student), briefly mention current activity (applying for a visa), and state future aim (study engineering and work part-time). Avoid redundancy and correct minor grammar (e.g., "pursuing becoming one" → "pursuing a career as an engineer").

範例: I am currently a prospective student applying for a visa to study in Australia. I plan to pursue engineering and hope to work part-time while studying to gain experience and support myself financially.

建議: Answer directly and add one specific detail to enrich the response, such as your field or a notable aspect of the school. Keep it to two sentences maximum and use past tense for graduation.

範例: I recently graduated from Senior High School at National University Balewag. I studied the STEM track there, which prepared me well for engineering studies.

建議: Good structure and specific supporting details. Improve coherence by using linking words more naturally and avoid slightly formal phrasing like "comply"—use "complete" or "manage". Keep to three sentences max.

範例: Yes, it is a good place to study because students are given many tasks that help them manage their time better. Moreover, frequent presentations and public speaking opportunities help improve social and communication skills.

建議: Be more specific about the problems and suggest concrete improvements. Fix grammar and finish your sentence. Use linking words (for example, 'first,' 'also') and avoid vague phrases like "take care of students"—specify services (counseling, advising, administrative support).

範例: Yes. First, I wish they would improve student services, such as academic advising and counseling, so students get better support. Also, they should simplify the registration process by moving it online and reducing paperwork to make it faster and more efficient.

建議: Clarify and tighten your goals. Start with a clear topic sentence about studying engineering, then add a linked sentence about learning business management with a reason. Use precise vocabulary (e.g., 'manage a business' rather than 'control or enforce a proper business work area').

範例: I plan to continue my studies in engineering to build a strong technical foundation. Additionally, I want to take business and management courses so I can learn how to run multiple businesses in the future.

× Currently I am applying for a student visa to continue my study abroad specifically in Australia and I want to be an engineer so I am pursuing on becoming one and along with that I also want to work while I study.

✓ Currently I am applying for a student visa to continue my studies abroad, specifically in Australia, and I want to be an engineer, so I am pursuing becoming one. I also want to work while I study.

Errors: 'study' should be plural 'studies' when referring to general education; unnecessary preposition 'on' after 'pursuing' (pursue is followed by a noun or gerund without 'on'); run-on sentence and punctuation issues. Suggestions: use plural 'studies', remove 'on' and use 'pursuing becoming' or better 'pursuing a career as an engineer', and split into two sentences for clarity.

× Currently I just graduated from Senior High School at National University Balewag.

✓ I recently graduated from Senior High School at National University Balewag.

Error: 'Currently I just graduated' mixes present adverb 'currently' with past action 'graduated'; 'just' with present perfect is more natural in many varieties of English. Suggestions: use 'recently' or 'I have just graduated' or 'I recently graduated' to correctly express a recent past event.

× If you are a person who likes to study and learn, it is a great place to hone your time management skills as well as your social skills.

✓ If you are a person who likes to study and learn, it is a great place to hone your time-management skills as well as your social skills.

Error: minor punctuation/style: 'time management' is commonly hyphenated as a compound modifier 'time-management skills'. Suggestion: add hyphen for clarity. (Grammatically sentence is fine otherwise.)

× This is because you are given multiple tasks that you need to comply and you can learn and enhance your social skills through public speaking and presentations.

✓ This is because you are given multiple tasks that you need to comply with, and you can learn and enhance your social skills through public speaking and presentations.

Errors: missing preposition 'with' after 'comply' (should be 'comply with'); missing comma before coordinating conjunction for clarity. Suggestion: use 'comply with' and add a comma before 'and'.

× I just hope that they improve their system, especially when it comes to taking care of students, and they should also prioritize more on enforcing and following their rules.

✓ I hope that they improve their system, especially when it comes to taking care of students, and that they also prioritize enforcing and following their rules.

Errors: 'just hope' is conversational; 'prioritize more on' is incorrect collocation — use 'prioritize enforcing' or 'place more priority on enforcing'. Suggestions: remove 'just', change structure to 'prioritize enforcing' or 'place more emphasis on enforcing'.

× They should also fix the registration process to make it more sufficient and.

✓ They should also fix the registration process to make it more efficient.

Errors: sentence is incomplete and uses wrong adjective 'sufficient' for the intended meaning; dangling 'and' at the end. Suggestion: replace 'sufficient and' with a single appropriate adjective like 'efficient' or 'user-friendly' and remove the trailing 'and'.

× In the near future, I am working on continuing my study to pursue engineering, and with that I want to also learn how to control or enforce a proper business work area so that I can follow my dreams of having multiple businesses.

✓ In the near future, I plan to continue my studies to pursue engineering, and I also want to learn how to manage a proper business workplace so that I can pursue my dream of owning multiple businesses.

Errors: 'I am working on continuing my study' is awkward; 'study' should be plural 'studies'; 'control or enforce a proper business work area' is incorrect collocation and word choice; 'follow my dreams of having' is wordy. Suggestions: use 'plan to continue my studies', replace 'control or enforce a proper business work area' with 'manage a proper business workplace' or 'run a business professionally', and use 'pursue my dream of owning multiple businesses'.