机会— Part 1 評分報告

建議: 回答は質問に直接答えており、ボランティア活動や習い事という具体例もあるため、内容は十分です。ただし、「participate in new activities」と「when I was a child」の繰り返しはやや冗長です。また、「try a lot of works like piano」は不自然なので、「try different activities, such as playing the piano and taking swimming lessons」や「take lessons in piano and swimming」のように表現しましょう。Part 1では3文程度にまとめると、より自然で効果的です。

範例: Yes, I did. When I was a child, I often volunteered to pick up litter on the beach, and my parents encouraged me to try activities such as playing the piano and swimming. These experiences helped me become more open to new challenges.

建議: 「Yes」という立場と理由を示している点はよいですが、「uh」が多く、流暢さを妨げています。また、「expand their perspectives and thoughts about a lot of fear」は意味が不明確で不自然です。「broaden their horizons」や「overcome their fears」のような自然な表現を使いましょう。最初に意見を明確に述べ、その後に具体的な結果や例を1つ加えると、構成と内容が改善します。

範例: Yes, I think people should try different things whenever possible. New experiences can broaden their horizons and help them discover their strengths. For example, someone who is afraid of speaking in public might become more confident after joining a discussion club.

× Also, my parents encouraged me to try a lot of works like piano and swimming lessons.

✓ Also, my parents encouraged me to try many activities, such as piano and swimming lessons.

The noun work is generally uncountable when it means tasks or employment, and works usually refers to artistic or literary creations. Because piano and swimming lessons are activities, use the countable plural noun activities. Many is also a natural quantifier for this plural countable noun.

× I would say yes, that is mainly because, uh, trying new activities, uh, as much as possible would help them to expand their perspectives and, uh, thoughts about a lot of, uh, fear.

✓ I would say yes. That is mainly because trying as many new activities as possible would help them to expand their perspectives and thoughts about a lot of fear.

Activities is a plural countable noun, so use many rather than much. The correct structure is as many + plural countable noun + as possible. Much is used with uncountable nouns, such as time, money, or effort.