自行车— Part 1 评分报告

建议: Be more concise and reduce fillers (umm). Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details and a brief consequence. Limit to 3–4 sentences and use linking words (for example, but, however, so) to connect ideas.

示例: Yes, I had a bike when I was a child. I rode it every afternoon with my friends and we explored the neighborhood together. However, the tyre soon burst and I never got it repaired, so I stopped using it.

建议: Open with a direct opinion sentence, then give two specific reasons linked with clear connectors. Avoid vague phrases and finish the sentence fully. Use precise vocabulary (air pollution, heavy traffic, public transport).

示例: I don't think bikes are very popular in Indonesia. The main reasons are severe air pollution and heavy traffic, which make cycling unpleasant and unsafe. As a result, many people prefer private cars or motorbikes rather than cycling.

× But umm, shortly after I started using it and my wheels popped and I never got it repaired so umm, I never got to use it again.

✓ But shortly after I started using it my wheel popped and I never got it repaired, so I never got to use it again.

The original has 'my wheels popped' (plural) while earlier the student referred to 'a bike' (singular). Change to 'my wheel popped' to match singular reference. Also remove redundant conjunctions and filler words and add a comma before 'so' to clarify the two clauses. Use 'got it repaired' is acceptable but keep 'it' referring to the bike; ensure number agreement between 'wheel' and 'my bike'. Suggestion: Be consistent about singular/plural references and avoid extra fillers to improve clarity.

× Personally bikes are not that popular in my country because Indonesia has bad air quality like it is full of pollution and it also has a really heavy traffic.

✓ Personally, bikes are not that popular in my country because Indonesia has bad air quality and a lot of pollution, and there is very heavy traffic.

The phrase 'like it is full of pollution' is informal and uses 'like' incorrectly; replace with 'and a lot of pollution' or 'and is full of pollution'. 'A really heavy traffic' is incorrect because 'traffic' is uncountable and does not take 'a'. Use 'very heavy traffic' or 'a lot of traffic' and include the existential 'there is' for naturalness. Also add a comma after 'Personally' for clarity. Suggestion: Use 'and' instead of 'like' for formal explanation and avoid 'a' before uncountable nouns.

× So most people and citizens decide to use private vehicles instead like cars or.

✓ So most people decide to use private vehicles instead, such as cars.

The original ends abruptly with 'or.' and redundantly uses 'people and citizens' (they are repetitive). Replace 'people and citizens' with simply 'people' and use 'such as' to introduce an example. Remove the trailing 'or.' to complete the sentence. Suggestion: Avoid redundancy and complete thought; use 'such as' when giving examples.