机会— Part 1 评分报告

建议: Be more concise and structured: start with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Correct grammar and avoid repetitions. For example, say what activities you did, how often, and why you enjoyed them. Also correct mistakes like "so many activities opportunities" → "many opportunities to take part in activities" and remove unclear phrases such as "EDIS."

示例: I had many opportunities to try different activities when I was a child. For example, I often attended drawing classes and did crafts at a local art club, which helped me develop creativity and patience.

建议: Provide a direct opinion followed by two clear reasons linked with connectors. Fix grammar (e.g. "every people" → "everyone", "make" → "makes"). Use a linking word such as "because" or "for example" and give a short example to support your point.

示例: Yes, I believe everyone should try different things because it keeps the mind active and helps people discover new interests. For example, trying a sport or a musical instrument can improve health and reveal hidden talents.

× Yes I used to have so many activities opportunities when I was a kid Or I mostly participated in drawing something like that like drawing or making something created EDIS because I used to be a because I am a creator

✓ Yes, I used to have many opportunities to take part in activities when I was a kid. Mostly I participated in drawing or making things because I used to be, and still am, a creative person.

The original sentence has multiple sentence structure problems: redundant words ('activities opportunities'), awkward phrase order, repetition ('like that like drawing'), and run-on ideas without proper punctuation. Correct by using clear noun phrases ('opportunities to take part in activities'), removing repetition, splitting into two sentences, and using concise expressions ('making things', 'creative person'). This improves clarity and grammar. Suggested improvements: combine related ideas into one clear clause, avoid repeating the same word, and use commas or periods to separate ideas.

× Or I mostly participated in drawing something like that like drawing or making something created EDIS because I used to be a because I am a creator

✓ I mostly participated in drawing or making things because I used to be, and still am, a creator.

The fragment incorrectly uses vague fillers ('something like that'), repeats 'drawing', and misuses articles and word order. Removing fillers and using the article 'a' with 'creator' (or better, 'a creative person') makes the sentence grammatical. Also use parallel structures ('drawing or making things'). Suggestion: use parallel noun phrases and avoid vague placeholders.

× because I used to be a because I am a creator

✓ because I used to be, and still am, a creator

The original repeats 'a' and misorders clauses, causing pronoun/reference confusion. Rephrase to show time contrast ('used to be' vs 'still am') and include the article before 'creator'. Suggestion: keep contrastive tense forms together and include necessary articles.

× Yes, every people need to try different things they should because learning new things make their brain feel so active and not feeling so bored.

✓ Yes, everyone needs to try different things because learning new things makes the brain feel more active and prevents boredom.

Errors: 'every people' is incorrect; use 'everyone' or 'all people'. Subject-verb agreement: 'everyone needs' (singular) and 'learning... makes' (singular). Also awkward phrasing 'they should' and 'not feeling so bored' — rephrase to 'prevents boredom'. Suggestion: use singular forms with 'everyone', ensure verbs agree with singular subjects, and use clearer verb phrases like 'prevents boredom'.

× Yes, every people need to try different things they should because learning new things make their brain feel so active and not feeling so bored.

✓ Yes, everyone needs to try different things because learning new things makes the brain feel more active and prevents boredom.

Pronoun reference: 'their' after 'every people' is inconsistent. Using 'everyone' and 'the brain' or 'their brain' (with 'everyone' prefer singular 'the brain' or rephrase to 'people's brains') keeps pronoun agreement correct. Suggestion: choose singular or plural consistently (everyone + singular verb and 'the brain' or 'people' + plural verb and 'their brains').