爱好— Part 1 评分报告

建议: Make your answer clearer and more natural by giving a direct topic sentence, one or two specific supporting details, and a brief reason. Avoid confusing or redundant phrases. Use linking words like 'because' or 'and' to connect ideas.

示例: I enjoy trekking in the mountains. I like it because I can see beautiful rivers and varied landscapes, and hiking is also good exercise. For example, last year I hiked a trail that led to a bright riverside valley, which was very peaceful.

建议: Respond with a clear topic sentence, correct tense and avoid unclear words. Give a specific reason and one brief consequence, using linking words like 'but' or 'so'.

示例: Yes, I enjoyed dancing as a child and even dreamed of becoming a dancer. But as I grew up I focused more on my studies and work to become financially independent, so I danced less often. For instance, I used to take dance classes twice a week, but now I only dance on special occasions.

建议: This answer is fairly clear but could be improved by correcting grammar and making the sequence smoother. Start with a topic sentence, then add specific examples and a linking word to show development.

示例: Yes, I have loved makeup since childhood and I trained as a makeup artist when I was young. Now I practice regularly at home and learn new techniques online, which keeps it interesting. For example, last month I tried contouring and learned how to create a natural daytime look.

建议: Give a clear, concise topic sentence and explain the difference with one or two specific details. Avoid unclear phrases about money — be precise about hobbies and preferences, and use linking words like 'however' or 'so'.

示例: No, my family and I have different hobbies. They enjoy activities related to earning money, such as selling crafts or doing part-time work, while I prefer hobbies that help me gain independence, like learning business skills and starting small projects.

× Yes, I love travelling the mountain or trekking most.

✓ Yes, I love travelling in the mountains or trekking the most.

The verb 'travel' when used as a gerund is fine, but the preposition and noun form are incorrect. Use 'travelling in the mountains' or 'travelling the mountains' and add 'the most' for superlative preference. Use plural 'mountains' for general mountain areas and include correct preposition 'in'. Suggestion: say 'I love travelling in the mountains or trekking the most.'

× I use trekking because I explore mountain deadlines diversity with clues of views of river flowing to the river flowing to the corner of the bright path of.

✓ I enjoy trekking because I can explore the variety of mountain landscapes and see rivers flowing along bright paths and hidden corners.

The original sentence has unclear and incorrect word choices and structure (e.g., 'use trekking', 'mountain deadlines diversity', 'clues of views'). Recast the sentence to express the intended meaning: 'enjoy trekking', 'explore the variety of mountain landscapes', and clearer imagery like 'see rivers flowing along bright paths and hidden corners.' Suggestion: keep verbs consistent and use clear nouns and prepositions.

× Yes, when I dialed I enjoy dancing and I would dream of becoming a dancer.

✓ Yes, when I was a child I enjoyed dancing and I dreamed of becoming a dancer.

Tense and word choice are incorrect: 'dialed' is incorrect for 'as a child' and mixes present tense 'enjoy' with past context. Use past tense 'was', 'enjoyed', and 'dreamed' to match the time frame. Also replace 'dialed' with 'was a child' or 'was younger.' Suggestion: maintain past tense throughout when referring to childhood.

× However, as I got older I had to contract it more on studies and work so I could become financial independent so I stopped dancing as often.

✓ However, as I got older I had to focus more on my studies and work so I could become financially independent, so I stopped dancing as often.

Several errors: 'contract it more on' is incorrect phrasing; use 'focus more on'. 'Financial independent' should be the adverb + adjective 'financially independent'. Also add possessive 'my studies' and punctuation to connect clauses. Suggestion: use 'focus on', 'my studies', and 'financially independent'.

× I have in I have enjoyed doing makeup scene.

✓ I have enjoyed doing makeup since I was a child.

The original contains repeated words and incorrect phrase 'makeup scene'. Use 'since I was a child' to indicate duration and 'doing makeup' to describe the hobby. Suggestion: clarify time reference and remove redundant words.

× I was a child, I trained to be a makeup artist and now I practice regularly at home.

✓ When I was a child, I trained to be a makeup artist, and now I practice regularly at home.

Missing conjunction and punctuation; 'When I was a child' should start the clause. Tenses are fine (past training, present practice) but sentence needs 'When' for clarity and commas for correct clause separation. Suggestion: use time clause 'When I was a child' and add commas.

× It makes me feel creative, more independent.

✓ It makes me feel more creative and more independent.

Parallel structure is needed when listing multiple effects. Add 'more' before 'creative' and use 'and' to join the two adjectives. Suggestion: maintain parallelism: 'more creative and more independent.'

× I also enjoy learning new techniques, trying different products, which keeps the hobby interesting.

✓ I also enjoy learning new techniques and trying different products, which keeps the hobby interesting.

The comma before 'which' is fine, but the list should use 'and' rather than a comma after 'techniques' to form a proper compound gerund phrase. Suggestion: use 'and' to join gerunds in a list.

× No, my family have different hobbies they would they would like to get money with on.

✓ No, my family have different hobbies; they would like to make money from them.

Two issues: redundancy 'they would they would' and awkward phrasing 'get money with on'. 'Make money from them' is natural. Note: depending on dialect, 'family have' (British) or 'family has' (American) — original used 'have', kept here. Suggestion: remove repetition and use 'make money from them.'

× I create money and I create others to make money to them.

✓ I try to earn money myself and encourage others to do the same.

Original uses 'create money' which is unnatural and unclear. Rephrase to 'earn money' and 'encourage others to do the same' to express intent clearly. Suggestion: use 'earn money' and 'encourage others' for clearer meaning.

× So I prefer independence and business to the job.

✓ So I prefer independence and running a business to having a regular job.

Awkward phrasing: 'business to the job' is unclear. Use 'running a business' and contrast with 'a regular job' to make the comparison clear. Suggestion: use clearer nouns and parallels when contrasting preferences.