家乡— Part 1 评分报告

建议: Be more concise and structured. Start with a clear topic sentence naming your hometown, then give one or two specific supporting details. Avoid filler words and unfinished phrases; use linking words to connect ideas.

示例: I was born and raised in Singapore, but I now live in Kathmandu. Singapore is a beautiful and highly convenient city; for example, its public transport is punctual and well-connected, making it easy to get around.

建议: Answer directly with a topic sentence, then give specific examples and a clear comparison. Use linking words (for example, however) and correct tense/grammar. Avoid repetition of phrases like "I really".

示例: I like Singapore mainly for its convenience. For example, the public transport is affordable and frequent, which contrasts with Nepal where services can be less reliable and less extensive.

建议: Give a clear time frame in one or two sentences and avoid unnecessary details. Correct any unclear place names and use simple past and present perfect appropriately. Keep within the 5-sentence limit and organize chronologically.

示例: I lived in Singapore until I was 17, which is about half my life. After that, I moved to Nepal and have been living here for five years; I finished my O-levels (E levels) and now work as a new artist.

建议: This answer is clear and balanced. To improve, add one specific example of opportunities for young people (jobs, education, leisure) and link ideas with cohesive devices like 'however' and 'for example.' Pronunciation/grammar can be tightened (e.g., 'people often live with their parents').

示例: Yes, Singapore is generally good for young people because it offers many education and job opportunities; for example, there are numerous internships and part-time jobs. However, the high cost of living means many young adults continue living with their parents.

× So I was actually born and raised in Singapore, but currently I live in Kathmandu and I would like to talk more about Singapore.

✓ I was born and raised in Singapore, but I currently live in Kathmandu and would like to talk more about Singapore.

The original sentence is wordy and has redundancy with 'so' and 'actually'. Removing 'so' and 'actually' clarifies the sentence and placing 'currently' before 'live' improves word order. Also 'I would like' can be shortened to 'would like' after 'I' omitted for conciseness.

× Singapore, where I lived, had a lot of it is a beautiful city, a lot of things are very convenient and more accessible and.

✓ Singapore, where I lived, is a beautiful city; many things are very convenient and accessible.

The original mixes past and present awkwardly and contains fragmentary phrasing ('had a lot of it is'). Use present tense 'is' to describe a city generally. Replace the comma splice and trailing 'and' by combining clauses with a semicolon and simplifying 'a lot of things' to 'many things'.

× I really, as I said, I really like how it was very convenient.

✓ As I said, I really like how convenient it was.

The original repeats 'I really' and has awkward word order. Move the introductory phrase first, remove repetition, and use correct adjective placement 'how convenient it was' to match past context about living there.

× A lot of things like example, the public transport, it was affordable and also very accessible for people who and comparing to the public transport in Nepal.

✓ For example, public transport was affordable and very accessible compared to public transport in Nepal.

Use 'For example' rather than 'like example'. Remove unnecessary 'the' before 'public transport' in general statements. 'Comparing to' is incorrect; use 'compared to'. Remove the incomplete clause 'for people who'.

× I was born in West Des, so I lived half my life there up until I was 17 and recent afterwards I have been living in Nepal for five years.

✓ I was born in West Des, and I lived there for half my life until I was 17; recently I have been living in Nepal for five years.

Use 'and' to connect clauses clearly. 'Up until' is redundant with 'until'. 'Recent afterwards' is incorrect; use 'recently'. Present perfect 'have been living' is appropriate for an action continuing up to now; clarify punctuation for readability.

× I finished my E levels here and now I'm currently just working as a new artist.

✓ I finished my E levels here, and now I'm working as a new artist.

Avoid redundant adverbs 'now' and 'currently' together and the filler 'just'. Use a comma to join clauses and keep 'working as a new artist' concise.

× I think it is a good place for young people.

✓ I think it is a good place for young people.

Sentence is fine; no grammatical correction needed. It matches tense and meaning.

× A lot of the groceries and the public transport that I mentioned are very accessible.

✓ Many groceries and the public transport I mentioned are very accessible.

Use 'many' with countable 'groceries' rather than 'a lot of the groceries' unless referring to a specific set. Keep 'the' before 'public transport' if referring to that system mentioned earlier. Remove 'that' for smoother phrasing.

× However, I do think the cost of living is very high, so people tend to stay with their parents still as they grow up.

✓ However, I think the cost of living is very high, so people tend to continue living with their parents as they grow up.

Remove unnecessary 'do' for neutral statement. 'Stay with their parents still' is awkward; use 'continue living with their parents'. This keeps present-tense generalization consistent.