Study— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: Be more concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence (I’m working in IT), then give one specific detail about your role and one reason you enjoy it. Avoid vague phrases like “code systems.” Use a linking word when adding the reason.

예시: I’m currently working in IT as a software developer, where I build and maintain backend systems. In particular, I focus on writing and testing code for web applications, and I enjoy it because solving technical problems gives me a real sense of purpose.

제안: Respond directly and keep language natural. Use one linking word to connect past study and your opinion of the campus. Replace casual words like “awesome” with a more formal adjective and add a specific detail about the campus.

예시: I’m not studying at the moment, but I completed a master’s degree in Information Technology at Griffith University. I really liked the campus because it has modern facilities and plenty of green spaces, which made studying more enjoyable.

제안: Correct grammar and choose accurate vocabulary. Begin with a clear opinion (Yes, it was a great place), then give two specific supporting points using linking words. Avoid unclear phrases like “Nelson place” and check adjective forms and verb agreement.

예시: Yes, it was a great place to study. For example, the campuses are designed with lots of green areas and sustainable features, and the university attracts bright students, which created an inspiring academic atmosphere. Furthermore, the research programs were often innovative and well-resourced.

제안: Be specific about the changes and use linking words to organize your points. Replace vague phrases like “better built” and “research studies” with concrete improvements (e.g., better lighting, more collaborative spaces, more research opportunities or electives). Limit to two clear points.

예시: Yes. Firstly, I would improve the study halls by adding better lighting, more comfortable seating and quiet zones for focused work. Secondly, I would expand research opportunities and elective modules so students can gain practical experience and work on real projects with faculty.

제안: Be decisive and use formal language. State your plan clearly and give a specific reason or outcome you expect from the PhD. Avoid contractions like “wanna” and correct the term to “information technology.”

예시: I plan to pursue a PhD within the next three to four years, focusing on the intersection of sociology and information technology. I hope this research will help me understand how technology affects social behaviour and will prepare me for a career in academic research or policy analysis.

× I do work.

✓ I work.

Using 'do' for emphasis is unnecessary in a simple statement and sounds unnatural in this context. Use the simple present 'I work' to state your job. If emphasis is intended, use 'I do work' only in contrastive contexts (e.g. 'I do work, unlike my brother').

× I did my masters degree in Information Technology at Griffith University.

✓ I did my master's degree in Information Technology at Griffith University.

Degree names that are possessive require an apostrophe and singular possessive form: 'master's degree'. Without the apostrophe it is grammatically incorrect. Alternatively, say 'I completed a master's degree' for better style.

× Griffith University was a Nelson place to study.

✓ Griffith University was a nice place to study.

'Nelson' is not an appropriate adjective here and seems to be a word choice error. Replace with an appropriate adjective such as 'nice'. Ensure chosen adjective matches intended meaning.

× The campuses were really naturally built and environmentally friendly.

✓ The campuses were well designed and environmentally friendly.

'Naturally built' is awkward and unclear. Use 'well designed' to convey intentional architectural quality. Also 'the campuses' is acceptable if specific campuses are meant; no article change needed otherwise.

× The students were brights and the research produced by the university where ground breaking.

✓ The students were bright and the research produced by the university was groundbreaking.

'Brights' is incorrect plural form; 'bright' is the adjective describing 'students' (plural noun) and requires no plural -s. 'Where' is wrong here; the correct verb is 'was'. 'Groundbreaking' is one word describing research. Also ensure subject-verb agreement: 'research ... was'.

× Yes, I would love, first of all, the study hall to be better built.

✓ Yes, I would like, first of all, the study hall to be better built.

'Would love' followed by an infinitive without 'for' or a noun phrase is awkward. 'Would like' is more natural for polite wishes about improvements. Alternatively: 'I would love it if the study hall were better built.' Note: for hypothetical improvements, 'were' can be used in subjunctive but 'to be better built' is acceptable in informal speech.

× I would also love them to include more research studies or research subjects so that students can benefit from them and get more experience.

✓ I would also like the university to include more research projects or subjects so that students can benefit and gain more experience.

Use a clear subject for 'include'—'them' is vague. Replace 'love' with 'like' for polite requests and prefer 'research projects' rather than 'research studies' (redundant). 'Get more experience' is colloquial; 'gain more experience' is more formal and fits the context.

× I plan to maybe earn a PhD sometime in the next three or four years.

✓ I plan to earn a PhD sometime in the next three or four years.

'Plan to maybe earn' uses conflicting modalities ('plan to' with tentative 'maybe'). Remove 'maybe' to reflect a clearer plan. If uncertainty is intended, say 'I might earn a PhD' or 'I hope to earn a PhD.'

× I wanna work in the fields of sociology and informational technology.

✓ I want to work in the fields of sociology and information technology.

Use the standard form 'want to' instead of informal 'wanna'. 'Informational technology' is not the common term; use 'information technology'. Ensure parallel structure when listing fields.