Parks— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: Reduce hesitations and repetitions, start with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details. Use linking words if giving multiple details (e.g., “and”, “also”, “because”). Try to avoid filler sounds like “umm” and duplicate words.

예시: Yes, I enjoyed going to parks as a child. I often went with my father and little brother, and we usually played baseball or touch football together, which was a fun way to spend weekends.

제안: Give a direct topic sentence, then explain the reason with one concise supporting detail. Avoid repeating phrases and reduce hesitations. Use a linking word to connect the opinion and reason (e.g., “but”, “because”).

예시: Yes, I still like going to parks, but I rarely visit them now because I am usually very busy with work and study.

제안: Provide a clearer, complete reason. Begin with a direct statement, then explain why with specific details and linking words. Avoid fragmented sentences and clarify your idea about children and community.

예시: Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city because they give children safe places to play and help build a sense of community among neighbors.

제안: Start with a clear topic sentence naming the kind of park you want to visit, then add one or two specific features you expect. Use linking words and concise phrasing instead of repeating “everyone”.

예시: In the future I want to visit a large community park where families gather — a place with playgrounds, open lawns, and seating areas where both children and adults can relax and socialize.

× Yes I did. I I often went to the parks with my father and I played, umm, baseball or touch ball with my father and my little brother.

✓ Yes, I did. I often went to parks with my father and played baseball or touch football with him and my little brother.

Original sentence contains repetition ('I I'), unnecessary article 'the' before 'parks' when speaking generally, repeated 'with my father' and filler 'umm'. Also 'touch ball' is better as 'touch football'. Suggestions: remove repeated words and fillers, use no article for plural countable nouns when speaking generally ('parks'), and avoid repeating the same prepositional phrase by using pronouns ('him').

× Umm, yes I do, but I don't have many chance to go to the parks, go to parks because umm, I'm, I'm usually busy and my I don't have time now.

✓ Yes, I do, but I don't have many chances to go to parks because I'm usually busy and don't have time.

Errors: 'many chance' should be 'many chances' (singular/plural and quantifier), unnecessary repetition 'go to the parks, go to parks', extra filler and duplicated 'I'm', and awkward 'my I don't have time'. Also omit 'the' before 'parks' when speaking generally. Suggestions: use plural 'chances', remove repeated phrases and fillers, and simplify structure to 'I'm usually busy and don't have time'.

× Yes, I would, because I like. Children to children playing and I want to see them in my city.

✓ Yes, I would, because I like seeing children play and I want to see more of them in my city.

Original has sentence fragmentation ('I like. Children to children playing'), incorrect phrase 'to children playing', and unclear reference. Use gerund 'seeing' after 'like', and 'children play' as correct verb phrase. Also 'see them' is vague; 'see more of them' clarifies desire to see more children playing in the city. Suggestions: combine clauses, use gerund after 'like', and clarify pronoun reference.

× The park that I want to go to in the future is the place that everyone gathered, and even adults and children and everyone can talk and play in there.

✓ The park I want to visit in the future is a place where everyone can gather; both adults and children can talk and play there.

Problems: unnecessary relative 'that' after 'park' can be reduced; 'gathered' is past tense but context needs present/future so use 'gather' or 'can gather'; 'in there' is redundant after 'there'; awkward 'and even adults and children and everyone' repetition. Use 'visit' rather than 'go to' for variety and clarity. Suggestions: use 'a place where' to describe purpose, use modal 'can' for ability, avoid redundant words and correct tense to match future intent.