Work— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: Make the answer more concise and correct minor grammar issues; start with a clear topic sentence, then add one specific supporting detail. Avoid redundancy and keep within 3–4 sentences. Use linking words to connect ideas and hyphenate compound adjectives (e.g., "self-employed" and "evidence-based").

예시: I’m a self-employed dietitian and I’ve worked in this field for almost ten years. I design evidence-based, individualized diet plans that help patients manage metabolic disorders such as diabetes and high cholesterol, which I find both rewarding and motivating.

제안: Be more concise and avoid small errors (e.g., "bring them with me" is awkward). Begin with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific reasons with linking words. Keep sentences shorter and more natural.

예시: I work at my own clinic, which is next to my house, so it’s very convenient. As a mother of three, this close location helps me balance work and family responsibilities because I can quickly attend to my children when needed.

제안: Correct unclear phrasing ("about 40% of the ground, UH") and ensure subject-verb agreement ("my patient" → "my patients"). Give one clear reason and one specific example using linking words. Avoid extraneous clauses.

예시: Yes, it’s an excellent place to work because it has all the necessary facilities for staff and patients. For example, nearly 40% of the grounds are landscaped with decorative flowers, and the spacious reception area allows patients to relax.

제안: Tighten phrasing and correct small grammar issues ("long term" → "long-term", "unless the goal change" → "unless my goals change"). Start with a clear statement of liking, then add one concrete reason and a brief future note using linking words.

예시: Definitely — it’s my ideal workplace because I dreamed of creating this clinic and I personally designed the layout for future growth. Therefore, I love working here and plan to stay long-term unless my goals change.

제안: Fix minor grammar ("I'm a very ambitious person", "perform at a higher level"). Be concise: state main plan, timeline, and a clear reason with linking words. Avoid unrelated details; if mentioning hobbies, link them to work outcomes directly.

예시: I’m a very ambitious person and currently juggle several roles. Over the next two to three years I plan to complete my current initiatives, and afterwards I want to resume sport rifle shooting to stay fit and improve concentration, which should help me perform at a higher level in business.

× I'm self-employed professional dietitian and I have been working in this field for almost a decade.

✓ I'm a self-employed professional dietitian and I have been working in this field for almost a decade.

Missing indefinite article 'a' before the singular noun phrase 'self-employed professional dietitian'. In English, singular countable nouns usually require an article ('a'/'an'/'the'). Add 'a' to make the noun phrase grammatically correct.

× individualized evidence based diet plans

✓ individualized evidence-based diet plans

Compound adjective 'evidence-based' should be hyphenated when placed before a noun to clarify that the two words jointly modify 'diet plans'. This is a punctuation/word-formation issue that affects clarity; hyphenate compound adjectives before nouns.

× I work at my own clinic which is just next to my house, so it is very convenient and helps me balance my professional as well as personal life.

✓ I work at my own clinic, which is just next to my house, so it is very convenient and helps me balance my professional and personal life.

Use 'and' rather than 'as well as' in this coordinated list for simpler, parallel structure: 'balance my professional and personal life'. Also add a comma after the clause 'my own clinic' for correct punctuation. 'As well as' can change emphasis and require different sentence structure; 'and' is more natural here.

× As a mother of three, I often need to look after my children to bring them with me, so having the clinic nearby makes it much easier to manage both work and clinic care.

✓ As a mother of three, I often need to look after my children and bring them with me, so having the clinic nearby makes it much easier to manage both work and clinic care.

The original uses 'to bring them with me' after 'look after', producing awkward infinitive sequence. Use the coordinate verb 'and bring' to show two related actions. This fixes parallelism and pronoun reference remains appropriate.

× Also, the reception area is quite spacious so my patient can relax.

✓ Also, the reception area is quite spacious so my patients can relax.

'Patient' should be plural ('patients') because the reception area serves more than one patient. Use plural to agree with general reference to clinic visitors.

× Without a doubt, it is my ideal workplace because it was my dream to create this clinic.

✓ Without a doubt, it is my ideal workplace because it was my dream to create this clinic.

No grammatical correction needed regarding participle here; sentence is acceptable. (Included only to state no change was required.)

× Moreover, I personally designed the layout and the system with future growth in my mind.

✓ Moreover, I personally designed the layout and the system with future growth in mind.

'With future growth in my mind' is wordy and less natural than the idiomatic 'with future growth in mind'. Remove 'my' for the standard expression.

× So I love working here and plan to stay long term unless the goal change as I get older.

✓ So I love working here and plan to stay long term unless the goals change as I get older.

Subject-verb agreement: 'goal change' should be 'goals change' (plural noun 'goals') or 'the goal changes' (singular with 'changes'). Here 'goals change' fits the meaning. Also adjust noun plurality for agreement.

× I'm very ambitious person and I already wear several hats.

✓ I'm a very ambitious person and I already wear several hats.

Missing indefinite article 'a' before the singular noun 'very ambitious person'. Add 'a' to make the countable noun grammatically correct.

× I want to complete all my current initiatives within the next two to three years and after that I plan to return to my sport rifle shooting to stay fit and to improve my concentration so I can perform at higher level in business.

✓ I want to complete all my current initiatives within the next two to three years, and after that I plan to return to sport rifle shooting to stay fit and improve my concentration so I can perform at a higher level in business.

Several issues: 'sport rifle shooting' is better without 'my' for the activity; remove unnecessary 'to' before 'improve' to keep parallel structure with 'stay' (use base verb after 'to plan to return... and (to) improve'—here parallelism prefers 'stay' and 'improve' without second 'to'). Add article 'a' before 'higher level' ('at a higher level'). Also add a comma before 'and after that' for clarity.