Work— Part 1 채점 보고서

제안: Start with a clear topic sentence (e.g., “I’m a dietitian.”), correct grammar (use articles and plural/singular forms), and keep it concise. Use one or two supporting details and a linking phrase. Avoid long compound sentences without pause. Also watch small grammar errors like “a personalized dietary plan” and ensure natural phrasing (e.g., “I’ve been working in this field for almost ten years”).

예시: I’m a dietitian and I’ve been working in this field for almost ten years. I find my job both motivating and rewarding because I help people manage metabolic disorders, such as diabetes, with personalized dietary plans. As a result, it’s very satisfying to see their health improve.

제안: Answer directly about current or typical workplace using correct tense and clear structure. If you mean you own it, say so; if you mean you’ve wanted it, use present perfect: “I’ve wanted my own clinic for ten years.” Use linking words (e.g., “because,” “so”) naturally and avoid short fragmented sentences. Be specific about location and features.

예시: I work at my own private clinic, which I’ve wanted to establish for ten years. It’s located right next to my home, so I can easily balance work and family life. The clinic has plenty of space and lots of greenery, so I sometimes bring my children with me.

제안: Begin with a direct opinion sentence and then give two specific reasons using linking words (“because,” “so,” “therefore”). Watch phrasing: use “necessary amenities” (no article) or “all the necessary amenities,” and clarify the last idea: you give patients better attention (not you get attention). Keep sentences concise and natural.

예시: Yes, it’s an excellent place to work because I designed the workspace myself and included all the necessary amenities. The calm atmosphere helps me relax between tasks, so I can focus better and give more attentive care to my patients.

제안: Be careful with tense and odd phrases. Use a clear statement about preference (“Yes, I’d like to keep working here long-term”) and correct awkward phrases like “worked at this meeting” and “with you.” Give one concise reason and a specific example of fulfillment. Keep within 3–4 sentences.

예시: Yes, I would like to work here for the rest of my career because it feels like a second home. I’ve been running the clinic for over ten years and helping patients has given me a strong sense of fulfillment.

제안: Organize your answer: start with a clear topic sentence about your main plan, then add a linked secondary plan. Avoid fillers (“uh”) and unclear phrases (“Need order initiated project”). Use complete sentences and give concrete details about projects and hobbies. Clarify comparisons (e.g., “like my sister, who is incredibly fit”).

예시: My top priority is to launch a new community nutrition project that I’ve been planning, which will offer workshops for people with metabolic conditions. After that, I hope to return to rifle shooting, a hobby from my university years, and focus on fitness so I can stay healthy and active into my 60s, like my sister who maintains excellent fitness.

× Dietitian and I have been working in this field for almost a decade.

✓ I am a dietitian and I have been working in this field for almost a decade.

The original sentence omits the verb 'am' and the article 'a' before the profession. This is an error in sentence structure and word choice: 'Dietitian and I' is incorrect; the speaker should identify themselves with 'I am a dietitian.' Suggestion: Always include the appropriate form of 'to be' and an article when stating a profession: 'I am a dietitian.'

× My work is both motivating and rewarding because I help people manage metabolic disorders such as diabetes through personalized dietary plan and it is very satisfying to see their health improve.

✓ My work is both motivating and rewarding because I help people manage metabolic disorders such as diabetes through personalized dietary plans, and it is very satisfying to see their health improve.

The noun 'plan' should be plural ('plans') to agree with the general plural sense of 'people' receiving individual plans; this is an adjective/noun choice error. Also the sentence is long and needs a comma before 'and' to join two independent clauses. Suggestion: Use plural form when referring to individualized plans for multiple people and use punctuation to separate clauses.

× I want my own clinic for 10 years.

✓ I have wanted my own clinic for 10 years.

The original uses simple present 'I want' with a time expression indicating a duration ('for 10 years'), which requires present perfect ('have wanted') to show an ongoing desire that started in the past and continues. Suggestion: Use present perfect with 'for' to express duration of a desire: 'I have wanted my own clinic for 10 years.'

× It is right next to my house so it is much easier to balance work and family.

✓ It is right next to my house, so it is much easier to balance work and family life.

The sentence is mostly correct but missing a comma before 'so' to join clauses; also 'family' as an abstract concept is better expressed as 'family life' here. This is primarily punctuation and prepositional/word choice. Suggestion: Add comma before coordinating conjunction and use 'family life' for clarity.

× And sometimes I bring my children because the clinic has plenty of space and lots of greenery.

✓ Sometimes I bring my children because the clinic has plenty of space and lots of greenery.

Beginning with 'And' is informal and unnecessary. This is a stylistic/pronoun-related tone issue; removing 'And' produces a grammatically cleaner sentence. Suggestion: Avoid starting sentences with coordinating conjunctions in formal speech transcripts.

× I designed the workspace myself, so it has every necessary amenities and a calm atmosphere.

✓ I designed the workspace myself, so it has all the necessary amenities and a calm atmosphere.

The phrase 'every necessary amenities' mixes singular 'every' with plural 'amenities.' Use 'all the necessary amenities' instead. This is an article/quantifier error. Suggestion: Use 'all the' with plural nouns: 'all the necessary amenities.'

× Because of that, I can relax between tasks and as a healthcare worker I can get better attention to my patients.

✓ Because of that, I can relax between tasks and, as a healthcare worker, I can give better attention to my patients.

The original 'get better attention to my patients' is incorrect: the clinician gives attention to patients, not gets attention. This is a pronoun/verb choice issue. Also commas are needed around the parenthetical phrase 'as a healthcare worker.' Suggestion: Use the correct verb 'give' and punctuate parenthetical phrases with commas.

× I would definitely like to work here for a lifetime.

✓ I would definitely like to work here for life.

'For a lifetime' is not incorrect, but 'for life' is a more natural phrase. This is a stylistic/pronoun use issue. Suggestion: Use the more idiomatic 'for life' when expressing desire to remain somewhere indefinitely.

× It feels like it's my second home.

✓ It feels like my second home.

'Feels like it's my second home' is acceptable conversationally, but in formal corrected form drop the contraction and redundant 'it': 'It feels like my second home.' This is minor prepositional/pronoun cleanup. Suggestion: Simplify structure to avoid redundancy.

× I have worked at this meeting for more than 10 years and I'm proud of the meaningful work with you, helping patients, giving me a sense of fulfillment.

✓ I have worked at this clinic for more than 10 years, and I'm proud of the meaningful work of helping patients, which gives me a sense of fulfillment.

'Worked at this meeting' is incorrect—likely 'clinic' is intended. 'Helping patients, giving me a sense of fulfillment' is a dangling participle; it should be rephrased: 'the meaningful work of helping patients, which gives me a sense of fulfillment.' This involves past tense/place word choice and sentence structure errors. Suggestion: Use correct noun 'clinic' and ensure participial phrases clearly modify the subject.

× Need order initiated project uh, is my top priority and after that, I really want to return to my rifle shooting game, which was my hobby during my graduation years.

✓ Initiating the project I ordered is my top priority, and after that I really want to return to rifle shooting, which was my hobby during my university years.

The original sentence is ungrammatical and unclear: 'Need order initiated project uh' lacks subject-verb structure. I rephrased to 'Initiating the project I ordered is my top priority.' Also 'rifle shooting game' is awkward; use 'rifle shooting' and 'graduation years' is better as 'university years.' This is a sentence structure and word choice error. Suggestion: Plan sentences with a clear subject and verb and replace informal fillers like 'uh.'

× I want to focus on fitness and health so that I can perform at optimum level even in my 60s as my sister, uh, who is incredibly.

✓ I want to focus on fitness and health so that I can perform at an optimal level even in my 60s like my sister, who is incredibly fit.

Several issues: 'at optimum level' should be 'at an optimal level' (article and adjective form), 'as my sister' should be 'like my sister' for comparison, and 'who is incredibly' is incomplete—add 'fit.' This is an adjective/adverb and sentence structure problem. Suggestion: Use correct article 'an,' choose 'optimal' not 'optimum' here, use 'like' for comparison, and complete descriptive clauses.