Advertisement— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and grammatical: start with a direct topic sentence, then give one specific supporting detail using linking words. Avoid repetition and incorrect phrasing.

例: Yes, I see a lot of ads on my phone and computer. For example, I often get short pre-roll videos before streaming a film or while playing mobile games, which are there to make money for the app developers.

提案: Clarify the memory with clearer vocabulary and structure. Start with a direct statement, then describe specific features and feelings, using linking words to connect ideas and correct word choices (e.g. “learning device,” “pronunciation”).

例: Yes. When I was a child I loved an ad for an electronic learning pen. It showed how the pen could read words aloud when you pointed it at a book, so it felt magical and made me want to learn English pronunciation.

提案: Avoid repetition and make your point more specific. Use one clear topic sentence, then add a reason and an example with linking words. Correct vague phrasing like “support the transportation.”

例: Yes, public transport is full of ads, for example on trains, subways and buses. Because commuters see these ads repeatedly, they influence buying decisions and help fund the transport system through advertising revenue.

提案: Give a balanced opinion with clear reasons and avoid confusing phrases. Start with your overall view, then give one or two reasons with linking words, and finish with an example. Remove unclear final sentence about “the fountain.”

例: I have mixed feelings about ads. Sometimes I dislike them because pre-roll ads interrupt movies and games, but I understand they fund services and public transport, so I tolerate them when they are brief and relevant.

提案: Be specific about features you like and use clearer vocabulary and linking words. Start with the category, then explain why with an example and a brief personal result to make it convincing.

例: I prefer ads for gadgets such as smartphones and smartwatches because they clearly demonstrate how the product works and what benefits it offers. For instance, an Apple watch ad showed health features that convinced me to buy one for tracking workouts.

× I usually say that because when I watch the movie or something else play the game, they usually give me a pre video.

✓ I usually say that because when I watch a movie or play a game, they usually show me a preview video.

The original sentence has incorrect sentence structure and word order ('watch the movie or something else play the game') and awkward phrasing ('give me a pre video'). Correction simplifies and orders actions correctly: 'watch a movie or play a game' and uses the correct verb and noun collocation 'show me a preview video'. Suggestion: keep subject actions parallel and use common collocations (show a preview video).

× That's the advertisement. But I really know about that because they made money for that.

✓ That's the advertisement. But I understand that because companies make money from advertising.

Pronoun and reference are unclear ('I really know about that' and 'they made money for that'). Use a clear subject ('companies') and correct verb tense and preposition ('make money from'). Suggestion: use explicit subjects and correct prepositions for clarity.

× Yeah, there is an advertisement about learning machine when I was a child and I every time I saw that.

✓ Yes, there was an advertisement about a learning machine when I was a child, and I saw it every time.

Tense and 'there is' are incorrect for past context; use past 'there was'. Also word order 'and I every time I saw that' is incorrect. Suggestion: use past tense for past events and place adverbial phrases ('every time') in natural positions.

× an advertisement about learning machine

✓ an advertisement about a learning machine

Missing article before 'learning machine.' Use 'a' before singular countable nouns. Suggestion: add appropriate articles for countable nouns.

× And I think I can learn English so well because when I use the pen to print everywhere, it can just give the different pronouns of the world.

✓ And I thought I could learn English very well because when I used the pen to write, it could show the different pronunciations of words.

Tense consistency is needed (past narrative). 'Use the pen to print everywhere' is awkward; 'write' is appropriate. 'Pronouns' is incorrect for 'pronunciations' and 'of the world' is incorrect for 'of words.' Suggestion: match tense, choose correct vocabulary, and correct noun forms.

× It's like a magic at that time.

✓ It felt like magic at that time.

Use 'felt like magic' rather than 'like a magic' and drop the article. Also past tense 'felt' matches 'at that time.' Suggestion: use 'magic' as an uncountable noun and ensure tense agreement.

× Oh, everywhere I see them everywhere, train, subway or the bus.

✓ Oh, I see adverts everywhere: on trains, subways, and buses.

Redundant 'everywhere' and incorrect word order. Use correct prepositions 'on' with modes of transport and plural nouns. Suggestion: avoid repetition and use parallel noun forms.

× Just that advertisement is really impressive.

✓ Those advertisements are really impressive.

Singular 'that advertisement' doesn't match context of many ads; plural and demonstrative 'those' fits. Suggestion: match number and demonstrative to context.

× I think people maybe need to watch this advertisement to do some decision when they buy some items and they also support the transportation.

✓ I think people may need to watch these advertisements to help them decide when they buy items, and the ads also support public transport.

'Maybe' + 'need' awkward; use 'may need' or 'might need.' 'To do some decision' is incorrect; use 'to help them decide.' 'Some items' should be 'items' and 'support the transportation' becomes 'support public transport.' Suggestion: use correct modal phrasing and common collocations.

× Sometime I do not because it just waste my time.

✓ Sometimes I do not like them because they just waste my time.

Use plural adverb 'Sometimes' and verb agreement 'waste' needs subject 'they' and third-person plural 'waste' is correct but sentence lacked object. Add 'like them' for clarity. Suggestion: ensure subject-verb agreement and include objects.

× I didn't want to watch them just direct about my movie or my game.

✓ I don't want to watch ads that interrupt my movie or my game.

Tense mismatch and awkward phrase 'just direct about.' Use present tense if speaking generally ('don't want') and phrase 'interrupt my movie or game.' Suggestion: use verbs that describe the action (interrupt) and maintain consistent tense.

× But actually like I just say I understand about that because of them on the movie or the train or the transportation, they can be better.

✓ But actually, I understand because ads on movies, trains, or other transport can be useful.

Unclear structure and redundancy. 'I just say I understand about that because of them' is awkward. Simplify to main idea: ads in those places can be useful. Suggestion: state the main point clearly and concisely.

× I just like the fountain.

✓ I just like the format.

Likely incorrect word choice 'fountain' for 'format' or 'feature.' If 'format' (presentation) was intended, use that. Suggestion: choose the correct noun to convey meaning; verify intended word.

× I like some advertisements about the machine, especially the phone or the watch like Apple.

✓ I like advertisements about gadgets, especially phones or watches like those from Apple.

'the machine' is vague and article use is wrong. Use plural 'phones or watches' and rephrase 'like Apple' to 'like those from Apple.' Suggestion: use specific category nouns and correct article/plural forms.

× They always do these things so well it can just give me know about how it can work and how they can support and help me and make me really want to buy them.

✓ They always present features so well that they make me understand how the products work, how they can help me, and they make me want to buy them.

Pronoun references and sentence structure are messy. 'It can just give me know' is ungrammatical; replace with 'make me understand.' Ensure subject consistency ('they' for advertisements) and use parallel clauses. Suggestion: break long sentences into clear clauses and use verbs like 'make me understand'.

× And actually I did.

✓ And actually I did buy one.

Vague 'I did' needs object to clarify action (bought a device). Use past simple 'bought' or 'did buy.' Suggestion: include the object to complete the meaning.