Sharing— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Make the response more concise and structured: start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific examples, and finish with a brief reflection. Correct small grammar issues (e.g. "I even used her old stuff" → "I even used her old things") and avoid repetition.

例: Yes. My parents taught me to share from a young age because I grew up with an older sister. For example, we often shared phones, iPads and toys, and sometimes I used her older things when she upgraded. That upbringing made sharing a normal part of my family life.

提案: Open with a direct topic sentence, be specific about types of food or occasions, and use linking words to connect ideas. Remove filler phrases (e.g. "personally") and avoid repeating the same idea.

例: I like to share food with my friends, especially interesting dishes or desserts I discover at restaurants. For instance, if I order a unique dessert, I will split it so everyone can try it, because sharing meals helps us bond and compare opinions.

提案: Clarify and correct vocabulary and grammar ("contain a lot of germs", not "dreams"). Use a clear structure: state the item, give a specific reason and a brief personal example. Avoid repetition and exaggeration like "red red eye."

例: I think personal care items such as makeup should not be shared because they can spread germs. For example, I once used my sister's mascara and caught an eye infection, which taught me not to share products that touch the eyes or mouth.

提案: Start with a concise topic sentence and give one or two specific contexts where you shared your computer. Improve grammar ("they don't have computers often" → "they often don't have computers") and avoid redundant phrasing.

例: Yes, recently I shared my laptop with classmates for a group project and an innovation contest because some of them didn't have access to computers. Sharing made it possible for us to collaborate and submit our work on time.

提案: Correct vocabulary and phrasing ("biggest wish" not "biggest witch"). Use a clear topic sentence and give a concise reason with one specific example of a sacrifice to make it more vivid. Avoid overly emotional repetition.

例: I would share good news with my mother first because my biggest wish is to make her proud. For example, when I graduated she supported me financially and emotionally, so she is the person I want to celebrate achievements with.

提案: Be more precise: state the types of daily updates you share and use linking words. Remove fillers ("uh", "kind of") and correct grammar ("what we went" → "where we went"). Provide one short example to illustrate.

例: I usually share everyday updates with my friends, such as what I ate, where I went, and plans for the weekend. For example, I might message them a photo of a meal I enjoyed and tell them which café it was so they can try it too.

× Yes they did because I was born and raised with one older sister and we have to share stuff all the time or I even used her old stuff sometimes.

✓ Yes, they did because I was born and raised with one older sister, and we had to share stuff all the time; I even used her old things sometimes.

The student mixes past and present. The context describes childhood, so verbs should be past tense ('have to' -> 'had to'; 'used her old stuff sometimes' is fine but 'stuff' is informal; 'things' is better). Also commas and a semicolon improve clarity.

× For example I used to share phones with her when I was young and iPads or even toys so it's pretty common for me and my parents always taught me to share stuff with my sister.

✓ For example, I used to share phones with her when I was young, and iPads or even toys, so it was pretty common for me, and my parents always taught me to share things with my sister.

Subject is I/parents referring to past habits; 'it's pretty common for me' should be past 'it was pretty common for me'. Also Capitalize 'I' and change 'stuff' to 'things'.

× Personally I do like to share foods with my friends because I feel like sometimes when I order something and it tastes good, I really want my friends or other people to taste it too.

✓ Personally, I like to share food with my friends because sometimes when I order something and it tastes good, I want my friends or other people to try it too.

Use uncountable 'food' instead of plural 'foods' in this context. Remove redundant 'do' for normal statement; 'taste it' -> 'try it' is more natural. Added commas for clarity.

× And I don't mind eating with my friends or who I know.

✓ And I don't mind eating with my friends or with people I know.

Pronoun 'who I know' is incorrect after 'with'; use 'people I know' or 'those I know' and include 'with' before it for parallel structure.

× So I would love to share my foods with people I know.

✓ So I would love to share my food with people I know.

As above, use uncountable 'food' and keep infinitive/modal structure 'would love to share' is correct; no -ing error but adjusted noun form.

× For me it's makeup products because makeup products contain a lot of dreams, especially for lipsticks or mascara because I once used my sister's mascara and I got red red eye from that because she didn't clean it properly and it made me realize how you badly you can get affected.

✓ For me, it's makeup products because they can contain a lot of germs, especially lipsticks or mascara. I once used my sister's mascara and got a red, irritated eye because she didn't clean it properly, and that made me realize how badly you can be affected.

'Dreams' is incorrect; should be 'germs'. 'Red red eye' -> 'a red, irritated eye'. Sentence broken into two for clarity. 'How you badly you can get affected' -> 'how badly you can be affected' for correct adverb placement and passive construction.

× Yes, I do have to share my computer with other people because my friends, they don't have their computers that much and there are a lot of group project or innovation contest that requires to use computers to type.

✓ Yes, I have to share my computer with other people because my friends don't have their own computers, and there are a lot of group projects or innovation contests that require using computers for typing.

Remove unnecessary 'do'. 'Their computers that much' is awkward -> 'their own computers'. Plural agreement: 'group projects' and 'innovation contests'. 'That requires to use' -> 'that require using' or 'that require computers'.

× So that's why I need to share with other people.

✓ So that's why I need to share it with other people.

Add explicit object 'it' (the computer) for clarity; otherwise sentence is vague.

× Of course it's gonna be my mother because my biggest witch and what I really wanted accomplished in my life is to make my mother proud.

✓ Of course it would be my mother because my biggest wish and what I really want to accomplish in my life is to make my mother proud.

'gonna' is informal; use 'would be' for conditional. 'witch' is misspelling of 'wish'. Tense: use present 'want' and infinitive 'to accomplish'.

× So that's why if I have any good news, I would like to share with my mother first because she raised me and I know she sacrifices a lot of stuff for me to be happy.

✓ So that's why if I have any good news, I would like to share it with my mother first because she raised me and I know she has sacrificed a lot to help me be happy.

'Share with my mother' missing object 'it'. 'Sacrifices a lot of stuff' -> 'has sacrificed a lot' (present perfect for ongoing relevance) and 'to help me be happy' is clearer than 'for me to be happy'.

× I share a lot of my daily life routine with my friends because, uh, me and my friends are not kind of like a person who gossips that much.

✓ I share a lot about my daily routine with my friends because my friends and I are not the kind of people who gossip that much.

Use 'my friends and I' for subject. 'Daily life routine' -> 'daily routine'. 'Are not kind of like a person' incorrect — use 'are not the kind of people who'.

× So we usually talk about our daily lives, what we eat, what we went, and that's pretty much all of it.

✓ So we usually talk about our daily lives, what we eat, where we went, and that's pretty much all of it.

Mix of present and past; maintain meaning: 'what we eat' (present habits) and 'where we went' (past events). 'What we went' is ungrammatical; use 'where we went'.