Bike— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Answer the question directly, then organize the details more naturally. Correct “on my ten years old birthday” to “on my tenth birthday,” and replace “It was given by my mother” with the more natural “My mother gave it to me.” Also, “abandoned it” sounds too strong in this context; say “stopped using it.” Use a linking word such as “However” to connect your change in habits, and give a specific detail about how often you rode the bike or where you used it.

例: Yes, I did. My mother gave me a bike for my tenth birthday, and I used to ride it around my neighborhood after school. However, I stopped using it when I was about thirteen because I became less interested in outdoor activities.

提案: Give a clear answer first and avoid combining too many ideas in one sentence. Correct “as a part of the Hong Kong citizen” to “as Hong Kong residents,” “transportation's choices” to “transportation options,” and “eco friendly” to “eco-friendly.” Explain more precisely why bikes are inconvenient in Hong Kong, such as crowded roads, limited cycling lanes, or the efficiency of the MTR. Use linking words like “Although” and “Therefore” to make the contrast and conclusion clearer.

例: Not really, especially in central Hong Kong. Although bicycles are eco-friendly, many residents prefer the MTR or buses because they are faster and more convenient. In addition, the crowded roads and limited cycling lanes make cycling less practical for daily commuting.

× Yeah, I did have a bike and I first received it on my ten years old birthday.

✓ Yeah, I did have a bike, and I first received it on my tenth birthday.

When an age describes a noun such as birthday, use the ordinal form tenth, not ten years old. The phrase ten years old normally describes a person or animal, as in I was ten years old.

× It was given by my mother and I abandoned it after I turned thirteen because I'm not enthusiastic about outdoor activities that much.

✓ It was given to me by my mother, and I abandoned it after I turned thirteen because I wasn't that enthusiastic about outdoor activities.

The answer describes past events, so the reason should also be in the past tense: wasn't, not am not. The phrase wasn't that enthusiastic is also the natural word order.

× Definitely not because as a part of the Hong Kong citizen we value a lot of efficiency since it is somehow slower than other transportation's choices even though it is eco friendly but we don't use it because it's not convenient at all.

✓ Definitely not, because, as Hong Kong citizens, we value efficiency. Cycling is somehow slower than other forms of transportation, and even though it is eco-friendly, we don't use it because it isn't convenient at all.

Hong Kong citizens refers to the people in Hong Kong, so the plural noun citizens is needed after we. The singular noun citizen cannot refer to a group of people.

× Definitely not because as a part of the Hong Kong citizen we value a lot of efficiency since it is somehow slower than other transportation's choices even though it is eco friendly but we don't use it because it's not convenient at all.

✓ Definitely not, because, as Hong Kong citizens, we value efficiency. Cycling is somehow slower than other forms of transportation, and even though it is eco-friendly, we don't use it because it isn't convenient at all.

A comparison should compare cycling with comparable forms of transportation, not with transportation choices. The phrase other forms of transportation provides a clear and grammatically suitable comparison object.

× Definitely not because as a part of the Hong Kong citizen we value a lot of efficiency since it is somehow slower than other transportation's choices even though it is eco friendly but we don't use it because it's not convenient at all.

✓ Definitely not, because, as Hong Kong citizens, we value efficiency. Cycling is somehow slower than other forms of transportation, and even though it is eco-friendly, we don't use it because it isn't convenient at all.

Even though already introduces a contrast, so it should not be followed by but in the same clause. Use either even though ... or but ..., not both together.

× Definitely not because as a part of the Hong Kong citizen we value a lot of efficiency since it is somehow slower than other transportation's choices even though it is eco friendly but we don't use it because it's not convenient at all.

✓ Definitely not, because, as Hong Kong citizens, we value efficiency. Cycling is somehow slower than other forms of transportation, and even though it is eco-friendly, we don't use it because it isn't convenient at all.

The original answer contains several ideas connected in one very long sentence, which makes the structure difficult to follow. Separating the ideas into two sentences and using clear connectors makes the answer more grammatical and easier to understand.