Study— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid hesitations. Start with a clear topic sentence (e.g., “I’m a recent graduate with a Bachelor’s in Business Management, specializing in entrepreneurship.”), then give one brief supporting detail about your college. Reduce fillers like “uh” and correct institution names for clarity.

例: I’m a recent graduate with a Bachelor’s in Business Management, specializing in entrepreneurship. I studied at Kathmandu Model College, which is affiliated with Tribhuvan University.

提案: Answer directly using the present or past tense consistently and use correct names. Provide one precise detail about location. Avoid repetition and pronunciation errors in college/university names.

例: I studied at Kathmandu Model College, affiliated with Tribhuvan University. It’s located in Bag Bazaar in central Kathmandu.

提案: Give a clear opinion then support it with two specific reasons linked logically. Avoid vague repetition (e.g., “good teachers” and “good lecturers”). Use linking words like “because” or “for example.”

例: Yes, I think it’s a very good place to study because the teachers are experienced and the college organizes regular workshops and training programs for students.

提案: Good clear response with a reason and an example. Improve by using a concise topic sentence and a linking phrase for the example. Remove filler words and tighten phrasing.

例: Yes. I would like quieter study rooms because the current spaces are noisy and make it hard to concentrate. For example, more quiet rooms with comfortable seats would help me study for longer periods.

提案: Give a direct opening sentence about your plan, then specify what you will study and why. Avoid fillers and repetition; use linking words like “so” or “in order to.” Be specific about areas you will study (e.g., finance, marketing, incubator programs).

例: I plan to continue studying entrepreneurship and startup management, focusing on finance and marketing for new businesses, so that I can launch a startup that provides services to people and creates jobs.

× Well, I'm a recent graduate bachelor student.

✓ Well, I'm a recent graduate bachelor's student.

Use the possessive form 'bachelor's' when referring to the degree type (a bachelor's student). The error is an article/word form issue where the noun form of the degree requires the possessive 's. Suggestion: say 'a bachelor's student' or 'a recent graduate'.

× I did my bachelor's in business management BBM, UH, which I specialized in entrepreneurship from Kathmandu Moodle College, which is affiliated UH, to Trivia University.

✓ I did my bachelor's in business management (BBM), specializing in entrepreneurship, from Kathmandu Moodle College, which is affiliated to Tribhuvan University.

The original sentence has awkward verb forms and preposition errors. Use 'specializing' (present participle) to show the student's area of focus and 'affiliated to' is the correct preposition. Also correct the university name 'Tribhuvan' and punctuation. Suggestion: use a participle phrase 'specializing in entrepreneurship' for clarity.

× I started in Kathmandu Moyal college affiliated to Derivan University.

✓ I studied at Kathmandu Moyal College, affiliated to Derivan University.

Use 'studied at' (or 'started at' with context) rather than 'started in' when referring to attending an institution. Also 'affiliated to' is correct; capitalization for proper nouns is required. Suggestion: use 'I studied at [college]' or 'I started at [college]'.

× It is located in Bag bazaar, Kathmandu.

✓ It is located in Bagh Bazaar, Kathmandu.

This is mainly a proper noun/capitalization and spelling correction: 'Bag bazaar' should be 'Bagh Bazaar' (or correct local spelling). Proper nouns must be capitalized and spelled consistently. Suggestion: verify the correct place name and capitalize both words.

× Yes, certainly it's the best place to study actually, uh, they offer good teachers, good lecturers and good plays, good environment, and they also organize different programs and trainings and workshops for the students as well.

✓ Yes, it is a very good place to study; they have good teachers and lecturers, a pleasant environment, and they also organize various programs, trainings, and workshops for students.

Run-on sentence and redundancy ('good teachers, good lecturers' and 'as well'). 'Plays' is likely incorrect for 'plass' or 'facilities'—here corrected to 'pleasant environment'. Use semicolons or splitting to avoid run-on. Suggestion: simplify and avoid repeating words; use 'various' instead of 'different' and remove filler.

× Well, I would like the place where I study to have a better study room because they are usually noisy now and it's hard to concentrate.

✓ Well, I would like the place where I study to have a better study room because it is usually noisy now and it's hard to concentrate.

Pronoun agreement error: 'they' does not agree with 'place' (singular). Use 'it is' for singular 'place' or refer to 'rooms' plural. Suggestion: match pronouns with their antecedents: 'the place... it is usually noisy' or 'the rooms are usually noisy'.

× For example, if there were more quiet rooms with comfortable chairs, I would focus more and study for a longer period of time.

✓ For example, if there were more quiet rooms with comfortable chairs, I would be able to focus more and study for longer periods of time.

Conditional sentence is fine but the phrase 'study for a longer period of time' is wordy. Improve verb phrase with modal 'be able to' to express ability and pluralize 'periods' for generality. Suggestion: use 'be able to focus' and 'for longer periods of time' or simply 'for longer'.

× Since I did my bachelors in business management, uh, focusing on entrepreneurship.

✓ Since I did my bachelor's in business management, focusing on entrepreneurship,

Article/possessive needed ('bachelor's') and sentence is a fragment but acceptable if continuing; however keep possessive. Suggestion: use 'bachelor's' and attach as clause to following sentence.

× So my study plan, uh, is to study more related to entrepreneurship subjects, startups so that I can, you know, I can establish a startup and focus on providing services to the people and also generating the employment at the same time.

✓ So my study plan is to study subjects related to entrepreneurship and startups so that I can establish a startup, provide services to people, and generate employment.

Run-on, repetition ('I can' twice), wordiness ('the employment'), and awkward ordering. Simplify list with parallel structure and remove filler 'you know' and 'at the same time.' Suggestion: use parallel verbs and concise phrases: 'establish a startup, provide services to people, and create jobs.'