Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Answer the question directly in the first sentence and avoid repeating phrases such as “got an opportunity” and “when I.” Use the past simple consistently: say “I was in fourth grade” and “I visited,” rather than mixing “was playing” and “was studying.” Clarify what happened at the school and explain how you became involved in basketball. Use linking words such as “when,” “because,” and “after that” to make the story coherent.

例: Yes, I had the opportunity to try basketball when I was in fourth grade. I was studying at SBAS Public School, and one day I visited Baring School to watch its basketball team practise. I became interested in the sport and started playing it soon afterwards.

提案: Give a clear opinion first, then support it with one or two natural reasons. Replace awkward expressions such as “some days,” “get a recreational effect,” and “these different activities they serve beautifully” with more idiomatic phrases like “from time to time,” “relieve stress,” and “provide a refreshing change.” Avoid shifting between “people” and “you”; use one perspective consistently. Add a specific example to make the answer more effective.

例: Yes, I think people should try a variety of activities from time to time. Doing the same thing every day can become boring, whereas new experiences help people learn new skills and relieve stress. For example, someone who usually plays video games might try hiking or joining a sports club.

× Yes, once I got an opportunity, got an opportunity to participate in a new activity which was playing basketball because when I was in fourth standard I was playing I was studying in SBAS Play Public School.

✓ Yes, I once had an opportunity to participate in a new activity, which involved playing basketball, when I was in the fourth grade and studying at SBAS Play Public School.

The sentence contains repeated words and an incomplete or incorrectly organized clause: got an opportunity, got an opportunity and I was playing I was studying. Combine the ideas into a clear sentence with one main verb structure. When telling a past story, use a complete past-tense structure such as I once had an opportunity.

× when I was in fourth standard

✓ when I was in the fourth grade

An ordinal school grade used as a specific noun normally takes the definite article the. Therefore, say the fourth grade rather than fourth standard in this context.

× When I when one day I went to Baring School

✓ One day, I went to Baring School

The conjunction when is repeated and does not introduce a complete time clause here. Use One day to introduce a specific event in a past narrative. Avoid repeating conjunctions or beginning a sentence with an incomplete clause.

× the team who used to play basketball there

✓ the team that used to play basketball there

Team refers to a group or thing, not an individual person. In this relative clause, that is more appropriate than who. Use who for people and that or which for things and groups considered as things.

× because if you are doing the same activity every day you are going to get bored

✓ because if they do the same activity every day, they are going to get bored

The subject changes from people to you without a clear reason. Keep the pronoun consistent with the plural noun people by using they. This makes the reference clearer.

× and to get a recreational effect these different activities they serve beautifully

✓ These different activities are very beneficial for recreation.

The original clause contains two subjects, these different activities and they, which creates an incorrect sentence structure. Use only one subject. Also, place the purpose phrase naturally before or after the main clause, for example, beneficial for recreation.