Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Answer the question more directly and avoid the incorrect structure “take part in such as.” Say “take part in activities such as...” rather than repeating “like” and “such as.” Also, “moved to a big city away from my hometown” sounds more natural than “settled in a big city out of my hometown.” Organize the activities with a linking word such as “For example,” and avoid unnecessary expressions like “etc.”

例: Yes. After I moved to a big city away from my hometown, I had many opportunities to try new activities. For example, I took swimming and cycling lessons, and I joined music and art clubs at school. These activities helped me make new friends and develop different interests.

提案: Your answer is clear and gives several relevant reasons, but it is somewhat repetitive because “things” and “many” are used several times. Use the more natural phrase “as many things as possible” and replace “rather than many things” with “instead of spreading themselves too thin.” Add a specific example or result to make your explanation more convincing, and use linking words to separate your reasons.

例: No, I do not think people should try as many things as possible. It is usually better to focus on a few activities because trying too many can be time-consuming, stressful, and expensive. For example, a student who joins several clubs may struggle to manage their studies and have little time to develop any one skill properly.

× Yes, when I first settled in a big city out of my hometown, I had a lot of opportunities to take part in such as extracurricular activities like bicycling and swimming, also I got to take part in many clubs like music clubs and art clubs, etc.

✓ Yes, when I first settled in a big city away from my hometown, I had many opportunities to take part in extracurricular activities such as bicycling and swimming. I also got to join many clubs, such as music clubs and art clubs.

The preposition out of is not natural for expressing distance from one's hometown in this context. Use away from instead. Also, take part in should be followed directly by the activity; such as introduces examples and should not come immediately after take part in.

× Yes, when I first settled in a big city out of my hometown, I had a lot of opportunities to take part in such as extracurricular activities like bicycling and swimming, also I got to take part in many clubs like music clubs and art clubs, etc.

✓ Yes, when I first settled in a big city away from my hometown, I had many opportunities to take part in extracurricular activities such as bicycling and swimming. I also got to join many clubs, such as music clubs and art clubs.

The original sentence contains several ideas joined together without clear sentence boundaries. The phrase take part in such as is incomplete, and also I got to introduces a new independent clause. Separate the ideas into two sentences and use such as to introduce examples clearly.

× Yes, when I first settled in a big city out of my hometown, I had a lot of opportunities to take part in such as extracurricular activities like bicycling and swimming, also I got to take part in many clubs like music clubs and art clubs, etc.

✓ Yes, when I first settled in a big city away from my hometown, I had many opportunities to take part in extracurricular activities such as bicycling and swimming. I also got to join many clubs, such as music clubs and art clubs.

Also cannot join two complete clauses with only a comma. This creates a comma splice. Begin a new sentence with I also, or connect the clauses with a suitable conjunction such as and.

× No, I do not think that people should try as many things as they can because it is better to stay focused on a few things rather than many things, which can be time consuming and stressful and also expensive.

✓ No, I do not think that people should try as many different things as they can because it is better to stay focused on a few things rather than trying too many things, which can be time-consuming, stressful, and expensive.

The comparison should use parallel structures: stay focused on a few things rather than trying too many things. The revised structure makes the contrast clearer and avoids comparing stay focused with many things.