Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Answer the question directly with a complete topic sentence, then give two or three specific examples. Replace the awkward phrase “as a child example given” with “For example,” and use “a folklore dancing club” instead of “a falclore dancing club.” Connect the examples more naturally with linking words such as “In addition” or “Besides that.”

例: Yes, I had plenty of opportunities to try new activities as a child. For example, I learned horse riding and took part in dog-dancing performances. In addition, I enjoyed reading and joined a folklore dancing club, where I performed with other children.

提案: State your opinion more naturally and complete the answer with a clear reason and a specific example. “It develops their life experiences” is unnatural; say “it broadens their experience” or “it helps them gain valuable experience.” Also, “it can give them a new approach” is incomplete, so explain that trying new activities can help people discover new interests or see problems from different perspectives. Avoid unnecessary phrases such as “This is a great question” if you need more time for relevant content.

例: Yes, I think people should try a variety of activities whenever possible. This is because new experiences broaden their horizons and help them discover their interests and abilities. For instance, someone who tries volunteering may develop communication skills and decide to pursue a career in a people-oriented field.

× Oh yes, I had plenty of opportunities to participate in new activities as a child example given horse riding, dog dancing.

✓ Oh yes, I had plenty of opportunities to participate in new activities as a child, such as horse riding and dog dancing.

The phrase example given is incorrectly placed and does not connect the examples grammatically to the main sentence. Use such as to introduce examples, and separate it from the main clause with a comma.

× From my point of view, people should try as many things as they can because it develops their life experiences, it can give them a new approach.

✓ From my point of view, people should try as many things as they can because trying different things can enrich their life experiences and give them new perspectives.

The pronoun it has no clear grammatical antecedent. Replacing it with the gerund phrase trying different things makes the subject clear. Also, their refers to people, so it is appropriate to use a plural subject with their.

× From my point of view, people should try as many things as they can because it develops their life experiences, it can give them a new approach.

✓ From my point of view, people should try as many things as they can because trying different things can enrich their life experiences and give them new perspectives.

Two complete clauses are incorrectly joined with only a comma, creating a comma splice. Join the ideas with and within the because-clause, and use parallel verb forms: can enrich and give.