Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: 문장이 반복적이고 불필요한 말(ums, like)이 많아 자연스럽지 못합니다. 질문에 직접 답한 뒤 구체적인 예나 설명을 하나 둘 포함하여 문장을 간결하게 구성하세요. 연결어(예: "for example", "also")를 사용해 흐름을 매끄럽게 하되 한 문장은 2~3개로 제한해 의미가 명확하도록 하세요.

例: Yes, I did. My school organised many clubs and events, and my parents also encouraged me to try new activities. For example, I joined the drama club and a weekend science workshop, which helped me become more confident.

提案: 의견은 분명하지만 표현이 중복되고 말 더듬음(ums)과 어색한 어순이 있어 명료성이 떨어집니다. 주제문으로 직접 답한 뒤 이유를 1~2개 제시하고, 각각을 간단한 예나 결과로 뒷받침하세요. 불필요한 반복을 피하고 연결어(예: "because", "for example", "as a result")를 활용하세요.

例: I strongly agree. Trying different things broadens your perspective and helps you learn new skills. For example, taking up languages or sports can make you more adaptable and can lead to new opportunities later in life.

× Umm yes umm, not only my school had a lot of events but also my parents also like try to umm like participated a lot in new activities, so I will say yes.

✓ Umm yes, not only did my school have a lot of events, but my parents also tried to participate in many new activities, so I would say yes.

The sentence misuses the 'not only...but also' structure and mixes tense/forms. Use auxiliary inversion 'did my school have' for past simple in negative fronting. Remove redundant 'also' and unnecessary fillers. Change 'like try to...participated' to a single past verb phrase 'tried to participate' or simply 'tried to participate in many new activities'. Suggestions: simplify fillers, use 'not only...but also' with parallel structures, and maintain consistent past tense.

× I definitely I definitely agree with it because I believe experiences and the like a different new things changed umm whole life and can cause like big umm difference.

✓ I definitely agree with that because I believe experiences and different new things can change your whole life and can cause a big difference.

Repetition 'I definitely I definitely' is redundant. 'Agree with it' -> 'agree with that' more natural. The phrase 'and the like a different new things changed umm whole life' has tense and word order errors; use modal 'can' with base verb 'change' to indicate ability. Use 'your whole life' or 'one's whole life' for clarity. Remove filler words and keep noun phrases parallel: 'experiences and new things'. Suggestions: eliminate repeats, use 'can change' for general present truth, and keep parallel noun phrases.

× So yeah, I really like trying new things and I wish other people tried as well too.

✓ So yeah, I really like trying new things and I wish other people would try them too.

'Tried as well too' mixes past form with present wish and repeats markers 'as well' and 'too'. Use 'wish' with would + base verb for unreal or desired actions in present/future: 'I wish other people would try them too.' Also include object 'them' referring to 'new things'. Suggestions: use 'would try' after 'wish' for desired behavior and avoid redundant adverbs.