Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, correct repetition and grammar, and add a clear topic sentence followed by one specific supporting detail. Use linking words to make it coherent. Keep it within 3–4 sentences. For example, remove the repeated word “painting,” fix tense and countable noun errors, and expand one memory with a brief detail.

例: Yes. I tried many activities as a child, including painting, piano lessons and soccer. For example, I took weekly piano classes for three years and learned to read sheet music, which helped me focus and persevere. Those experiences are some of my fondest childhood memories.

提案: Start with a clear direct opinion, then give a concise reason and one specific example. Avoid awkward phrasing and redundancy (e.g. “why we live in our whole life”, “how they feel each other”). Use linking words like “because” and “for example” correctly. Keep it to 2–3 sentences and use more natural collocations such as “learn social skills” or “understand others’ perspectives.”

例: Yes, I think people should try many different activities because it helps them develop new skills and meet different kinds of people. For example, joining a drama club taught me teamwork and made me more confident speaking in public.

× Yeah, it was very memorable things.

✓ Yeah, they were very memorable.

The subject 'things' is plural, so the pronoun and verb must be plural: use 'they were' rather than 'it was'. Also 'memorable things' is better referenced by 'they'. Suggestion: match number between pronoun/verb and noun (plural -> they were).

× When I was a young child, as I remember I participated in a lot of activities such as painting painting learning piano and even playing soccer.

✓ When I was a young child, I remember participating in many activities such as painting, learning the piano, and even playing soccer.

Original sentence is awkward and contains repetition ('painting painting') and poor verb forms. The verb 'participated in' followed by a list of gerunds is better expressed as 'I remember participating in many activities'. Use 'many' for countable plural 'activities'. Add commas and 'the' before 'piano' for natural English. Suggestion: remove repetition, use gerunds consistently, and add articles and commas for clarity.

× Sure, it is a very important thing why we live in our whole life because in a lot of activities we can learn about more useful things to communicate with other people, especially in society.

✓ Sure, it is very important throughout our lives because through many activities we can learn useful things to communicate with other people, especially in society.

The phrase 'why we live in our whole life' is ungrammatical and awkward; use 'throughout our lives' to express duration. 'In a lot of activities' should be 'through many activities' or 'in many activities'. 'Learn about more useful things' is wordy; 'learn useful things' is clearer. Maintain present tense 'can learn'. Suggestion: use idiomatic time expressions ('throughout our lives'), replace 'a lot of' with 'many', and simplify wording for clarity.

× It is the best way to understand how they feel each other.

✓ It is the best way to understand how they feel about each other.

The reflexive construction 'feel each other' is incorrect; 'feel about each other' or 'how they feel toward each other' is required. Also 'how they feel each other' lacks a preposition. Suggestion: use 'feel about' to describe opinions or emotions directed at others.