Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and correct grammar, start with a clear topic sentence, use linking words correctly, and give one specific detail. Limit to up to 4–5 sentences. Correct verb forms and word choice (e.g., “trying new activities,” “after I saw them,” “I joined a basketball club called Golden Eagles in Antagia”).

例: I was lucky to have many chances to try new activities as a child. For example, when I started secondary school I noticed other students playing basketball, so I began playing with them and later joined a local club called the Golden Eagles in Antagia. Playing basketball helped me make friends and improve my confidence.

提案: Give a direct opinion first, then support it with clear reasons and one concise example. Use correct names and facts, correct grammar, linking words (e.g., “because,” “for example,” “therefore”), and avoid inaccurate or confusing details. Keep to 3–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I think people should try many different things because new experiences can create future opportunities. For example, Arnold Schwarzenegger started as a champion bodybuilder, which helped him enter films and later politics. Therefore, exploring different interests can broaden your career choices and skills.

× Actually I feel so fortunate due to the opportunities I had.

✓ Actually I feel so fortunate because of the opportunities I had.

Use 'because of' rather than 'due to' in this context; 'due to' commonly follows a form of 'be' and attaches to a noun. This sentence mixes present feeling with past opportunities, which is fine; keep present 'feel' and past 'had'.

× And besides opportunities, I was a child always trying to new activities.

✓ Besides opportunities, as a child I was always trying new activities.

Word order is incorrect. Place time phrase 'as a child' before the verb phrase and put 'always' before the verb 'trying'. Also 'trying new activities' needs no 'to' between 'trying' and 'new'.

× For example, when I got into secondary school which was different from my primary school, I saw some children playing basketball Following seeing them, I not only started playing basketball with them, but also I registered on a basketball community called Golden Encles in Antagia.

✓ For example, when I entered secondary school, which was different from my primary school, I saw some children playing basketball. After seeing them, I not only started playing basketball with them, but I also registered with a basketball club called Golden Encles in Antagia.

Use 'entered' or 'got into' both possible but 'entered' is more natural. Add a comma before the nonrestrictive clause 'which was different...'. Use a period between clauses and start a new sentence. 'Following seeing them' is ungrammatical; use 'After seeing them'. Use parallel structure 'not only... but also' and place subjects correctly: 'I not only started..., but I also registered...'. Use 'registered with' or 'joined' a club rather than 'registered on'. 'Community' may be okay but 'club' fits better.

× Precisely it must be happened.

✓ Precisely, it must have happened.

The phrase 'must be happened' is incorrect; modal perfect 'must have happened' expresses a deduction about past events. Also add a comma after 'Precisely' for clarity.

× In my opinion, one of the learnings people had may open a lot of opportunities in the future.

✓ In my opinion, one of the things people learn may open up a lot of opportunities in the future.

Use 'things people learn' instead of 'learnings' (which is nonstandard in this sense). 'May open up' is a natural collocation meaning create opportunities. Keep tense consistent: general present 'learn' and future implication 'may open up'.

× For example, Arnold Schweisenegger was a bodybuilder who is also interested in politics and movie sectors.

✓ For example, Arnold Schwarzenegger was a bodybuilder who became interested in politics and the film industry.

Correct spelling of name 'Schwarzenegger'. Use 'became interested' to show change over time. Use 'film industry' instead of 'movie sectors' for natural English. Also maintain consistent tense and clarity.

× And after he's accomplishing the great competition in Buddha called Mr. Olympia six times, he got into movie sector and stared in the movie called Terminator Moreover after his being familiar.

✓ After he won the prestigious competition called Mr. Olympia six times, he entered the film industry and starred in the movie The Terminator.

Use simple past 'won' rather than 'he's accomplishing'. 'Prestigious' fits better than 'great competition in Buddha' (unclear phrase). Use 'entered the film industry' or 'got into the film industry'. Spelling: 'starred' not 'stared'. Capitalize title 'The Terminator'. Remove the final fragment 'Moreover after his being familiar' because it is ungrammatical and unclear; if you mean 'after becoming well-known', say that explicitly: 'After becoming well-known, he...'.