Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and coherent. Start with a clear topic sentence (yes/no and brief detail), then add one or two specific supporting details with linking words. Avoid fillers (“uh”, repeated words) and repetition (don’t repeat “teamwork” twice). Use past tense correctly and vary vocabulary (e.g., coordination, discipline, social skills). Keep it within 3–4 sentences.

例: Yes. When I was a child I joined a volleyball team for the first time, which helped me develop coordination and social skills. Because we practised together regularly, I also learned discipline and how to communicate on the court. Overall, playing volleyball improved both my physical fitness and my ability to work with others.

提案: Give a clear direct response (Yes/No), then explain with specific, organized reasons. Use linking words (for example, because, however) to connect ideas, and avoid vague phrases like “the things”. Replace fillers and list specific positive activities and negative examples succinctly. Limit to 2–3 sentences.

例: Yes, I believe people should try many different activities because new experiences can boost both physical fitness and mental well-being. For example, trying sports, learning an instrument, or volunteering can build confidence and reduce stress; however, people should avoid harmful behaviours such as substance abuse or excessive screen time.

× As I did as long as I remember, uh, once I participated in volleyball with my friends and at that time, that was my first time to play volleyball and, and that helps me in coordination and teamwork.

✓ As long as I can remember, I participated in volleyball with my friends once; at that time, it was my first time playing volleyball, and it helped me develop coordination and teamwork.

The original sentence has awkward phrasing and redundant words causing a sentence structure error (ID 26). 'As I did as long as I remember' is incorrect; use 'As long as I can remember.' 'Once I participated' and 'at that time, that was my first time to play volleyball' are redundant and unidiomatic; combine ideas: 'I participated in volleyball with my friends once; it was my first time playing volleyball.' Use past tense consistency: 'helped' not 'helps.' Use 'playing' (verb + -ing) after 'first time' and 'develop coordination and teamwork' is clearer than 'in coordination and teamwork.' Suggested improvement: simplify clauses, keep tense consistent, and use natural collocations ('first time playing,' 'helped me develop').

× As I think people should try and the things that improve their mental health and physical health, but they should, uh, ignore the negative things in life such as bad habit, addiction, like the things that harm mental health.

✓ I think people should try things that improve their mental and physical health, but they should avoid negative things in life, such as bad habits and addictions, that harm mental health.

The original mixes structures and has tense and word-form issues (ID 6). Remove unnecessary 'As' and 'and' after 'try.' Use plural forms 'bad habits' and 'addictions' (singular/plural agreement). Replace 'ignore' with 'avoid' which collocates better with 'negative things' in this context. Keep present simple 'should' + base verb ('try,' 'avoid'). Also fix relative clause: 'that harm mental health' modifies the negative things. Suggestions: simplify the clause order, use correct plural nouns, and choose appropriate verbs (avoid vs. ignore).