Opportunities— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Your answer is relevant and provides specific examples, but it's a bit long and contains some grammatical issues and redundancy. To improve: 1) Start with a clear topic sentence. 2) Use one or two supporting details with linking words (for example, “for example” or “such as”) and avoid repeating phrases like “a lot”. 3) Simplify grammar (e.g., use past tense consistently) and split into two shorter sentences to sound more natural. Focus on fluency and clarity rather than listing too many items.

例: Yes. My school organised summer camps when I was a child, and I attended several of them. For example, I learned horse riding and basic cookery, which helped me become more confident and try new hobbies.

提案: Good opinion and reasoning, but the sentence is wordy and contains awkward phrasing (e.g., “until and unless”). To improve: 1) Give a direct topic sentence. 2) Use concise linking words such as “because” or “so” and provide one clear reason and a brief example or result. 3) Avoid convoluted expressions; keep sentences shorter and natural.

例: Yes, I believe people should try many different activities because this helps them discover their true interests. For instance, trying painting at college helped a friend turn a hobby into a weekend class she now teaches.

× Yes, when I was a kid, my school used to offer a lot of summer camps, especially in the holidays, which taught a lot of new activities such as horse riding, cookery skills and skating, and I did have a lot of opportunities in school.

✓ Yes, when I was a kid, my school used to offer a lot of summer camps, especially during the holidays, which taught many new activities such as horse riding, cookery and skating, and I did have a lot of opportunities at school.

Use 'during the holidays' rather than 'in the holidays' in this context. Also use 'at school' to indicate location where opportunities occurred. Replace 'a lot of new activities' with 'many new activities' for better collocation and remove redundant 'skills' after 'cookery'. Grammar problem type ID: 11

× Yes, I feel like every person should try as many skills as they can because they will only get to know what actually interests them and can develop into a new hobby until and unless they try a particular skill.

✓ Yes, I feel that everyone should try as many skills as they can because they will only find out what actually interests them and what can develop into a new hobby if they try a particular skill.

Replace 'I feel like' with 'I feel that' (more formal). 'Every person' is changed to 'everyone' for naturalness. Use 'find out' instead of 'get to know' for discovering interests. The phrase 'until and unless' is redundant and nonstandard in this context; use 'if' to express the conditional. Add 'what' before 'can develop' to clarify the object. Grammar problem type ID: 16