Tiredness— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and correct grammar. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details. Use linking words to connect reasons and avoid repetition. Also correct verb forms and articles (e.g., “sometimes,” “a healthcare assistant,” “long hours”).

例: Yes, I often feel tired. I work as a healthcare assistant in a private clinic and sometimes have long shifts from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., so I often get burnt out. Because of the long hours, I don’t always have enough time to rest between shifts.

提案: Give a clear, direct answer and use accurate vocabulary. Explain the reason in simple, correct terms (e.g., post-lunch tiredness or a ‘food coma’) and avoid incorrect scientific terms like “carbon downside.” Use linking words such as “because” or “so” to connect cause and effect, and keep it to two sentences.

例: I usually feel tired after lunch. This is because I often eat a large, carbohydrate-rich meal and then experience a post-lunch energy dip, so I feel drowsy in the afternoon.

提案: Answer directly with a topic sentence and list one or two specific strategies using linking words. Improve sentence structure and use natural collocations (e.g., “take a short walk,” “wash my face,” “grab a cold drink”). Keep it within three sentences and avoid filler words like “maybe sometimes.”

例: When I feel tired, I usually take a short walk along the corridor to wake myself up. I also sometimes wash my face and grab a cold drink to refresh myself before returning to work.

× Oh, unfortunately, I always feel tired I think as a healthcare assistant in a private clinic, so I work for long hours sometime from eight AM to six PM I always burn out for this long hour working.

✓ Oh, unfortunately, I always feel tired. I think it is because, as a healthcare assistant in a private clinic, I work long hours, sometimes from eight AM to six PM, and I always burn out from these long hours of work.

This sentence has multiple sentence structure and punctuation issues that make it run-on and unclear. Split into shorter sentences and add necessary articles and prepositions: add 'it is because' to clarify cause, use 'work long hours' (correct collocation), 'sometimes' (positioned correctly), 'and' to connect clauses, 'burn out from' (correct preposition), and 'these long hours of work' for clarity. Suggestions: separate ideas into sentences, use commas to set off clauses, and ensure correct prepositions and articles.

× Usually after lunch time, actually after the meal time because maybe the level of carbon downside increased.

✓ Usually after lunchtime, actually after a meal, because maybe my blood sugar level increases.

This sentence has incorrect word choice and awkward adverb placement. 'Lunch time' is better as 'lunchtime'; 'after the meal time' is redundant — use 'after a meal'; 'carbon downside' is incorrect term; likely intended 'blood sugar level' which 'increases' (present tense for habitual situation). Suggestions: use precise medical terms, place adverbs close to verbs they modify, and maintain consistent present simple for habitual events.

× So every time when I consume some meals just rise carbohydrate so I will feel extremely tired.

✓ So every time I eat carbohydrate-rich meals and my blood sugar rises, I feel extremely tired.

Incorrect verb forms and sentence structure: 'consume some meals just rise carbohydrate' is ungrammatical. Use simple present 'I eat' for habitual action, 'carbohydrate-rich meals' to describe the food, 'my blood sugar rises' (subject + verb) and 'I feel' (present simple for habitual result). Avoid 'will' for habitual present. Suggestions: use noun phrases to describe foods and present simple for habitual cause-effect.

× Normally I will get a short walk in the corridor and then maybe sometimes I will go to the toilet and wash my face for a while grab a cold drink to refresh myself.

✓ Normally I take a short walk in the corridor, and sometimes I go to the restroom, wash my face for a while, and grab a cold drink to refresh myself.

Incorrect use of 'get a short walk' — use 'take a short walk.' Overuse of 'will' for habitual actions is inappropriate; use present simple. Also missing conjunctions and commas between actions. 'To the toilet' is informal; 'restroom' is better in this context. Use gerunds or infinitives consistently: 'wash my face' and 'grab a cold drink.' Suggestions: use correct verbs for collocations (take a walk), present simple for routines, and connect actions with commas and 'and'.