Tiredness— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and organized: open with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific reasons with linking words. Reduce fillers (uh, um) and correct tense/word choice (e.g., "I work in a high-stress environment"). Keep to no more than 3–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I often feel tired after work. I work in a high-stress environment, so I spend a lot of energy processing information and managing tasks. As a result, I feel both physically and mentally drained by the end of the day.

提案: Clarify and organize timing: start with a clear general statement, then mention the specific situations and one reason using linking words (e.g., "especially" or "because"). Fix grammar (e.g., "after the weekend" or "when I get back from the weekend" and remove repetition). Keep it under 4 sentences.

例: I feel tired most of the time, but especially after work and when I return from the weekend. This is because my job is mentally exhausting and requires constant communication with many people. Also, because I'm a night person, irregular sleep sometimes makes me more tired.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence and two concise supporting details with linking words. Avoid hedging language ("I think") and fillers. Use precise verbs and prepositions ("walk in the park", "get a cup of coffee"). Keep it within 2–3 sentences for clarity.

例: When I'm tired, I usually have a cup of coffee to wake myself up. I also like to take a short walk in the park and breathe fresh air, which helps me feel more refreshed and focused.

× Yes, I often feel tired and exhausted uh, physically and mentally after work every day because, uh, it's a very high stress environment that I've worked, so I spend a lot of energy on digesting all the information I gathered doing work also.

✓ Yes, I often feel physically and mentally tired and exhausted after work every day because I work in a very high-stress environment, so I spend a lot of energy processing all the information I gather while working.

Multiple present tense and word choice issues: 'it's a very high stress environment that I've worked' mixes tenses and is awkward. Use simple present 'I work in a very high-stress environment' to describe a habitual situation. 'Digesting' is better as 'processing' and change 'gathered doing work' to 'gather while working' to keep present tense and correct word order. Also move modifiers ('physically and mentally') before 'tired'. Suggested improvement: Describe habitual actions in simple present and keep verbs consistent (work, gather, process).

× I feel tired all the time actually but especially after I weekend from back and after work because my work is very mentally exhausting and I require a lot of mental energy to communicate with many people and I am a a night person so I usually wake up.

✓ I feel tired all the time, actually, but especially after I come back from the weekend and after work because my job is very mentally exhausting and requires a lot of mental energy to communicate with many people. Also, I am a night person so I usually wake up late.

Errors include incorrect verb phrase 'after I weekend from back' (word order and word form) and awkward tense/subject usage. Use 'come back from the weekend' (simple present for habitual action). Use 'job' for idiomatic expression and make verbs agree: 'requires' matches singular 'job'. Add 'late' to complete 'wake up' meaning. Suggested improvement: Use correct verb phrases for returning (come back) and ensure subject-verb agreement (job requires).

× I think taking a cup of coffee would be a very perfect way to work myself up, Umm, I feel refreshed, uh, after consuming some coffee and I also enjoy walking in park.

✓ I think having a cup of coffee is a great way to wake myself up. I feel refreshed after drinking some coffee, and I also enjoy walking in the park.

'Would be a very perfect way to work myself up' is awkward and mixes modality unnecessarily. Use present simple 'is' for habitual preferences. 'Taking a cup of coffee' is unnatural; 'having a cup of coffee' or 'drinking coffee' is better. 'Walking in park' needs the definite article 'the park'. Suggested improvement: Use simple present for habits and natural collocations (have/drink coffee, walk in the park). Avoid redundant modifiers like 'very perfect'.

× If I have a moment, I breathe the, uh, fresh air there and.

✓ If I have a moment, I breathe the fresh air there.

Sentence was incomplete and had filler words disrupting structure. Remove trailing 'and' and unnecessary fillers. The sentence should end after the complete idea. Suggested improvement: Keep sentences complete and eliminate filler words when possible; end with a full clause.