Tiredness— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence, avoid repeated words and filler sounds, and limit to up to five sentences. Add a specific reason or brief example to support your statement using a linking word (e.g., because, so, therefore). Also correct small grammar issues (return back → return; go to the bed → go to bed).

例: Yes, I often feel tired after work. I usually return home exhausted because I have a long commute and a busy day at the office, so I prefer to relax and sleep rather than eat. For me, getting enough sleep is more important than having a big meal.

提案: Structure the answer with a clear topic sentence, then use linking words (e.g., especially, also, because) and give specific, grammatical details. Avoid repetition and incomplete clauses. Mention one or two concrete examples and explain briefly why they make you tired.

例: I feel tired most days, especially after meals because my energy drops. I also get exhausted when I do mentally demanding tasks like long periods of reading or writing, and when I clean the house for a long time, because these activities require sustained concentration and physical effort.

提案: Give a concise topic sentence, reduce hesitation and repetition, and use linking words to contrast actions at home and outside. Be specific about what kinds of videos or drinks and mention the purpose (to relax, recharge). Keep within five sentences.

例: When I feel tired at home, I usually watch short comedy videos or movies on YouTube to relax and unwind. However, if I'm out, I prefer to have a cup of tea or coffee and chat with friends to recharge and lift my mood.

× As every day, every day, whenever I, uh, return back to home after office, I feel tired and I wouldn't, I don't want to do anything anymore.

✓ As I do every day, whenever I return home from the office, I feel tired and I don't want to do anything anymore.

Placement of adverbial phrase and redundancy: 'As every day, every day' is redundant and awkward; 'As I do every day' is clearer. 'Return back' is redundant because 'return' already implies 'back'; use 'return home'. 'After office' should be 'from the office' to indicate leaving work. Also use consistent present tense: 'I don't want' instead of 'I wouldn't, I don't want'. Suggestions: remove duplicated words, avoid redundant 'back', use 'from the office', and keep consistent tense.

× I just want to go to the bed and uh, to relax or like sleep.

✓ I just want to go to bed and relax or sleep.

Use of the definite article 'the' before 'bed' is incorrect in this context; English idiom is 'go to bed' without 'the'. Also omit unnecessary 'to' before 'relax' and filler words like 'like'. Suggestion: use the set phrase 'go to bed' and simplify the verbs to 'relax or sleep'.

× Umm, for me, sleep is more important than food.

✓ For me, sleep is more important than food.

This sentence is acceptable but had an unnecessary filler 'Umm,' which is not grammar error but disfluent. Suggestion: remove fillers in formal responses. No pronoun error after removal; sentence is correct.

× I often feel tired every day, especially after meal.

✓ I often feel tired every day, especially after meals.

'After meal' is incorrect; use the plural 'meals' or the article 'a meal'. Because the speaker refers to a habitual action, plural 'meals' is natural: 'after meals'. Keep present simple for habitual actions. Suggestion: use 'after meals' or 'after a meal'.

× I feel I got sleepy uh get sleepy and low on my energy.

✓ I feel sleepy and low on energy.

The original mixes tenses and redundant forms: 'I feel I got sleepy get sleepy' is ungrammatical. Use simple present 'I feel sleepy' for current state and 'low on energy' is the correct idiom (omit 'my'). Suggestion: simplify and use one consistent present-tense expression: 'I feel sleepy and low on energy'.

× I also feel exhausted when I do tasks like reading, writing and cleaning the rooms and sometimes work for a long period of working office makes me feel.

✓ I also feel exhausted when I do tasks like reading, writing, and cleaning the rooms, and sometimes working for a long period at the office makes me feel exhausted.

The original sentence has a confused structure and missing connectors. 'Sometimes work for a long period of working office makes me feel' is ungrammatical. Rephrase to two coordinated clauses: list activities and then state that long periods of work at the office cause exhaustion. Use 'working for a long period at the office' and repeat 'exhausted' or use 'that makes me exhausted' for clarity. Suggestions: keep parallel lists, use preposition 'at the office', and maintain consistent verb forms.

× Uh, when uh, I feel tired, I usually uh, like to watch movies or videos on YouTube if I am in my own room, but if I am outside the room, I would prefer to drink a cup of tea, tea, coffee or tea and chill out with friends.

✓ When I feel tired, I usually like to watch movies or videos on YouTube if I am in my room, but if I am out, I prefer to drink a cup of tea or coffee and chill out with friends.

Remove fillers 'uh' and repetition 'tea, tea'. Use 'in my room' instead of 'in my own room' for naturalness. 'Outside the room' is awkward; 'out' is simpler. Use consistent present tense 'I prefer' rather than conditional 'I would prefer' for habitual actions. Also choose 'tea or coffee' (not both repeated) and keep parallel structure 'drink ... and chill out'. Suggestion: eliminate fillers, avoid repetition, and keep tense consistent for habits.