Tiredness— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and clear: start with a direct topic sentence, then give one or two specific reasons using linking words. Avoid hesitations and repeated phrases (e.g., “used to”). Also correct small grammar errors (e.g., “do all this work” not “works”).

例: Yes, I often feel tired. Since I moved to Kathmandu, I have to manage household chores and errands by myself, which is physically and mentally draining. As a result, I frequently feel exhausted by the end of the day.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence and organize supporting details with linking words. Use correct word forms (e.g., “stuff” or “things,” “physical work” not “works,” “needs” → “needs”→“that require”). Avoid repeating words. Be specific about frequency or intensity.

例: I feel tired after physical tasks, such as doing household chores or shopping in a crowded market. For example, carrying groceries and walking through busy streets leaves me drained, especially when I have to do these things several times a week.

提案: Start with a clear statement about your usual coping strategies, then give one or two specific examples. Remove filler words and correct grammar (e.g., “watch Netflix on my laptop,” “they make me feel happier”). Mention why these activities help you to show depth.

例: I usually relax by watching Netflix on my laptop and chatting with friends. Watching light comedy series helps me unwind after a tiring day because it distracts me and lifts my mood, and talking to friends gives me emotional support.

× in my hometown I was not used to doing, used to struggle and do all this works alone.

✓ In my hometown I was not used to struggling and doing all this work alone.

The phrase 'used to' with actions in the past requires the base verb or gerund form; here 'struggle and do' should be 'struggling and doing' for parallel gerunds. Also 'works' is a count noun here and should be singular 'work'. Use consistent gerunds after 'used to' when describing habitual past actions.

× And when I came to Kathmandu, I need to do everything on my own and it's really frustrating and I feel tired a lot.

✓ And when I came to Kathmandu, I needed to do everything on my own, and it was really frustrating and I felt very tired.

The sentence mixes past ('came') with present tense verbs ('need', 'is', 'feel'). Maintain past tense to match 'came': change 'need' to 'needed', 'it's' to 'it was', and 'I feel' to 'I felt'. Also 'a lot' is better as 'very tired' for natural phrasing.

× I feel tired when I do things like doing the chores and going out to a busy market and buying stuffs and doing physical works that needs hard labor.

✓ I feel tired when I do things like doing the chores, going to a busy market to buy stuff, and doing physical work that requires hard labor.

'Stuffs' is incorrect; 'stuff' is uncountable. 'Works' should be 'work' when talking about tasks in general. 'Needs' should agree with the singular 'work' and be 'requires'. Also streamline repetition ('doing the chores' and 'doing physical work') and use parallel structure with gerunds.

× Yes, I think that that makes me feel tired.

✓ Yes, I think that makes me feel tired.

There is a duplicated 'that that' which is ungrammatical; removing the duplicate fixes the sentence. The verb 'makes' correctly agrees with singular 'that' (referring to the activities).

× I usually watch my laptop, uh, Netflix to be specific.

✓ I usually watch Netflix on my laptop, to be specific.

'Watch my laptop' is incorrect because you watch content on a device, not the device itself. The correct structure is 'watch Netflix on my laptop'. Moving 'to be specific' to the end improves clarity.

× I watch different TV shows available on different streaming platforms that help help me relax and talk with my friends and uh yeah, they makes me feel happier.

✓ I watch different TV shows available on various streaming platforms that help me relax, and I talk with my friends, which makes me feel happier.

Remove duplicated 'help'. After 'help' use the base form 'relax' (both 'help me relax' and 'help me to relax' are acceptable). 'They makes' is incorrect subject-verb agreement; use 'which makes' referring to the combination of activities, or 'and they make me feel happier'. Also split into two clauses for clarity and use 'various' instead of repeating 'different'.