Tiredness— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Improve grammar and fluency: produce a clear topic sentence, reduce hesitations, correct verb forms (e.g., “when I work long shifts”), and give one concise reason with a linking word. Be specific about what makes you tired (e.g., number of patients, type of tasks). Limit to 2–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I often feel tired after long shifts at the hospital. For example, when I work a 12-hour night shift and care for many patients, the continuous walking and paperwork exhaust me, so I usually rest as soon as I get home.

提案: Organize the answer with a clear time reference and cause-effect link: start with a topic sentence stating when you feel tired, then explain why with specific details and one linking word (e.g., “because” or “after”). Avoid repetitions and filler words. Keep it within 2–3 sentences.

例: I feel most tired after busy, long shifts at the hospital, especially when there are many emergency cases. Because I spend hours on my feet and handle complex paperwork, I need some quiet time to recover when I get home.

提案: Be more specific and sequence actions clearly using linking words (first, then, finally). Use present simple for habitual actions and give brief reasons why each helps. Avoid fillers. Keep answer to 2–4 sentences and include one detail about the type of music or videos.

例: When I feel tired, I first watch short videos on YouTube or Instagram to unwind. Then I usually put on calm music through headphones—like soft piano or lo-fi—because it helps me relax and clear my mind before I sleep.

× Frankly speaking, when I doing my long shift, uh, I am working as a staff nurse in hospital.

✓ Frankly speaking, when I am doing my long shift, I work as a staff nurse in a hospital.

The verb 'doing' needs an auxiliary 'am' for the present continuous (verb + -ing form). Also use simple present 'work' to describe habitual job, and include the article 'a' before 'hospital'. Suggestion: use 'I am doing' for an action in progress and 'I work' for habitual facts; include articles where needed.

× When, uh, uh, when I doing my longer, uh, long shifter, then I, uh, and there was in hospital, there were too much patients.

✓ When I was doing my longer shifts, the hospital was very busy and there were too many patients.

Use past progressive 'was doing' for a longer past action (verb + -ing). 'Shifts' should be plural. 'Too much' is incorrect with countable 'patients' — use 'too many'. 'There was in hospital' is ungrammatical; use 'the hospital was' or 'it was'. Suggestion: match verb forms to time reference and use 'many' for countable nouns.

× And after that when I went, then I came back home.

✓ After that, when I went to work, I came back home.

The original sentence is vague; clarify by adding 'to work' if intended. Use simple past 'went' and 'came back' correctly; add commas for clarity. Suggestion: state destinations to avoid ambiguity.

× When, uh, when I work long shift as a staff nurse in hospital and there was very busy in hospital and uh, uh, and uh, and I came back home then, uh, I, uh, I refresh and then I, I, I fresh and after that I listen the music through the head.

✓ When I work long shifts as a staff nurse in a hospital and it is very busy, after I come back home I rest and then I listen to music through my headphones.

Mixes tenses: use present simple 'work' for habitual actions and 'is' for current state. Use 'rest' (verb) rather than 'refresh' or 'I fresh'. 'Listen to music' requires preposition 'to' and 'headphones' is the correct noun; include possessive 'my' if personal. Suggestion: keep tense consistent for habitual routines and use correct verbs and prepositions.

× When I feel tired, firstly, uh, I spent time on uh, YouTube and after, uh, apart from this, I watch uh, reels on Instagram and uh, after that, uh, most relaxing period when I listen the music through headphones, umm, and uh, then I feel relaxed.

✓ When I feel tired, I first spend time on YouTube, then I watch reels on Instagram, and after that I relax by listening to music through my headphones, and then I feel relaxed.

Tense inconsistency: use present simple 'spend' for habitual actions rather than past 'spent'. Use 'first' instead of 'firstly' for informal speech. 'Listen to music' requires 'to' and 'headphones' should have 'my' for clarity. Suggestion: keep habitual descriptions in present simple and use correct prepositions and noun forms.