Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and correct grammar. Start with a clear topic sentence, avoid repetition and filler sounds (uh), and use correct verb forms and collocations (e.g., “made me very happy” not “made me very enjoyable”). Add one specific detail to support your statement.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. There was a park called Shrimp Lake near my home, and I visited almost every afternoon after school to enjoy the scenery and breathe the fresh air. Those visits made me very happy.

提案: Be grammatically accurate and use more natural phrases. Replace informal or unclear phrases (“release pleasure”) with natural expressions (“relax” or “clear my mind”). Avoid redundancy and filler words, and give a specific routine or recent example.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks, but I don’t have much free time because of heavy schoolwork. I usually visit a park about once a month to relax and clear my mind, for example, I often sit by a pond and read for an hour.

提案: Improve grammar and use linking words naturally. Use correct noun-verb agreement (“the environment would improve”), and prefer natural phrases (“air quality” not “air condition”). Give a concrete reason or example of benefit.

例: Yes, I would. More parks would improve the environment and enhance air quality in the city. For example, adding trees and green spaces can reduce pollution and provide residents with places to exercise, which benefits public health.

提案: Make the response more fluent and specific. Avoid vague phrases like “very particular part” and use natural expressions (“any specific park”). Explain which countries or features you want to compare to add detail.

例: I don't have a specific park in mind, but I would like to visit parks abroad to compare them with those in my city. For instance, I’d like to see parks in Japan or England to observe differences in design, cleanliness and facilities.

× Yes, I did. Uh, there was a Shrimp Lake Park near my home when I was young, so I went there nearly every day, every day after school I think I usually went there to enjoy the beautiful scenery and uh, breathing the fresh air.

✓ Yes, I did. There was a park called Shrimp Lake near my home when I was young, so I went there nearly every day after school. I usually went to enjoy the beautiful scenery and breathe the fresh air.

The original contains a run-on sentence and an incorrect 'breathing' form. 'There was a Shrimp Lake Park' is acceptable but awkward; rephrasing to 'There was a park called Shrimp Lake' is more natural. 'Breathing the fresh air' should be the base verb 'breathe' after 'went to' (verb + to-infinitive or simple verb) or use a gerund with correct structure. Also split into sentences to fix sentence structure errors and improve clarity.

× That made me very enjoyable.

✓ That made me very happy.

'Enjoyable' describes something that gives enjoyment; it cannot describe a person’s feeling. To express the student's feeling, use an adjective like 'happy' or 'enjoyed it'. For example, 'That made me very happy' or 'I enjoyed it very much'.

× Well, certainly I do, but I don't have so much time to go to the parks now because of the heavy school work.

✓ Well, certainly I do, but I don't have much time to go to the parks now because of the heavy schoolwork.

'So much time' is informal and slightly off here; 'much time' is more appropriate in negative sentences. 'School work' should be one word 'schoolwork'. This fixes quantifier usage and article/word formation.

× But maybe nearly one once a month I still go to the park to, uh, relax my mind and release, uh, pleasure.

✓ But maybe about once a month I still go to the park to relax and enjoy myself.

'Nearly one once a month' is ungrammatical; use 'about once a month' or 'nearly once a month'. 'Relax my mind' is awkward in English; 'relax' or 'relax and enjoy myself' is natural. 'Release pleasure' is incorrect—use 'enjoy myself' or 'relieve stress'.

× Yes, I think more parks mean that environment get improved and what's more, the air condition in our city will be better in the sooner future.

✓ Yes, I think more parks mean that the environment will improve, and furthermore, the air quality in our city will be better in the near future.

'Environment get improved' has incorrect verb form and missing article: use 'the environment will improve' or 'will be improved'. 'Air condition' is incorrect collocation; use 'air quality'. 'Sooner future' is ungrammatical; use 'near future'. Also linking words improved for formality.

× So seeing more parks will make great contribution to the city development.

✓ So having more parks will make a great contribution to the city's development.

'Make great contribution' requires an article: 'make a great contribution'. 'City development' should be possessive: 'the city's development' or 'urban development'. 'Seeing more parks' is odd in this context; 'having more parks' is clearer.

× Well, there isn't a very particular part I would want to go, but I think I want to go to some parks in another country so that I can compare the differences between the parks here in our city and the parks in the other place.

✓ Well, there isn't any particular park I would want to go to, but I think I want to visit parks in another country so that I can compare the differences between the parks here and those in other places.

'There isn't a very particular part' contains multiple errors: 'part' should be 'park'; use 'any particular park' for negative form. 'I would want to go' should be 'I would want to go to' (preposition). 'The parks in the other place' is awkward; use 'those in other places' or 'parks in other countries'. Fixes there-be structure, noun choice, preposition, and pronoun reference.