Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and organize your answer: start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details. Avoid fillers (uh, um) and repeated ideas. Use linking words (for example, because, which) to make the answer coherent.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child because they helped me relax after school. For example, I enjoyed sitting under trees and listening to birds, which made me feel refreshed and connected to nature.

提案: Give a direct topic sentence and then one clear reason with specific detail. Avoid repetition and correct simple grammar (e.g., 'there aren't any parks' -> 'there are no parks' and 'parks are still being built').

例: Yes, I still enjoy parks, but there are no finished parks near my home because new ones are still being built. As a result, I rarely visit parks since I am a busy seventh‑grade student with little free time.

提案: Start with a clear opinion, then give two concise, specific reasons. Replace vague phrases and filler words, and use linking phrases like 'because' and 'for example.' Avoid redundant adjectives.

例: Yes, I would like more parks because our city is crowded with buildings and people need green spaces to relax. For example, parks could provide places for families to exercise and unwind after a long day.

提案: Give a direct answer and then a specific reason. Remove hesitations and repeated statements. Provide one clear example of what you would do there to show detail.

例: I don't have a specific park in mind, but I would love to visit a bird park in the future because hearing birdsong is very calming. For instance, I would spend time walking the trails and watching different bird species to relax and take photos.

× Yes, I did like going to parks as a child as it made me feel relaxed after a long day of school and everything just felt right after going into the park and the greenery and it made me feel alive and also breathe the cool and fresh air and also it made me feel that uh, I feel so much, uh, connected to the nature.

✓ Yes, I liked going to parks as a child because they made me feel relaxed after a long day at school; everything felt right when I entered the park and saw the greenery, which made me feel alive and allowed me to breathe the cool, fresh air, and I felt very connected to nature.

Problems: awkward use of 'did like' (unnecessary auxiliary), inconsistent verb forms and redundant phrases, incorrect article 'the nature', and gerund/verb form issues like 'going into the park' vs 'entered the park'. Suggestion: Use simple past 'liked' for habitual past actions, replace long run-on sentence with clauses joined by punctuation, use 'nature' without 'the', and simplify redundant expressions.

× Yeah, I still like going to parks, but the place where I live, there aren't any more parks.

✓ Yes, I still like going to parks, but where I live there are no parks anymore.

Problems: word order and contraction choice. 'There aren't any more parks' is understandable but awkward with 'the place where I live' preceding it. Suggestion: Use 'where I live' + 'there are no parks anymore' for natural word order and clarity.

× The parks that's like, uh, here in my area is still building.

✓ The park that is being built in my area is still under construction.

Problems: subject-verb agreement and incorrect relative clause. 'Parks' (plural) conflicts with 'that's' and 'is still building' is incorrect passive/active structure. Suggestion: Use singular or plural consistently; use 'is being built' or 'are still under construction' depending on number. Here 'the park... is still under construction' is clearer.

× So I don't get, uh, enough time to go to parks as I'm still a kid learning, uh, in 7th grade.

✓ So I don't have enough time to go to parks because I'm still a kid in 7th grade and studying.

Problems: 'don't get enough time' is colloquial and 'learning in 7th grade' is awkward. Suggestion: Use 'don't have enough time' and 'I'm in 7th grade' or 'I'm still studying in 7th grade' to express ongoing situation in present tense.

× Yeah, I would like to see more parks in my city because there, there are a lot of buildings and I think the government should look forward to building more parks so people can relax and enjoy after the whole, uh, long day of work, school and everything.

✓ Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city because there are many buildings, and I think the government should plan to build more parks so people can relax and enjoy themselves after a long day of work or school.

Problems: redundant 'there, there are', awkward phrasing 'look forward to building' (means something different). Suggestion: Use 'there are many buildings', and 'should plan to build' or 'should build' for intended meaning; simplify 'after a long day of work or school' and add 'enjoy themselves' for natural phrasing.

× And I think parks make people more relaxed and poised.

✓ And I think parks make people feel more relaxed and calm.

Problems: 'poised' is not the best choice here; it means composed or self-assured, not necessarily relaxed. Suggestion: Use 'calm' or 'at ease' to convey relaxation.

× Umm, I mean there aren't any parks in the future that I want to go because I haven't thought of any.

✓ Um, I haven't decided on any parks I want to visit in the future because I haven't thought about it yet.

Problems: 'there aren't any parks in the future that I want to go' is ungrammatical—'parks in the future' is odd and 'want to go' needs an object. Suggestion: Use 'I haven't decided on any parks I want to visit in the future' to convey intended meaning.

× But if there is one, I would like to go to a bird park because birds are usually chirping and the chirping makes people feel relaxed and also it makes me feel relaxed as a point of view.

✓ But if there were one, I would like to visit a bird park because birds usually chirp and their singing makes people feel relaxed; it also relaxes me.

Problems: conditional mismatch ('if there is one' vs hypothetical future preference — use subjunctive 'if there were' or keep 'if there is' with 'I would like' is acceptable but less formal), incorrect use of continuous 'are usually chirping', awkward phrase 'as a point of view'. Suggestion: Use simple present 'birds usually chirp', 'their singing' or 'their chirping', and concise phrasing like 'it also relaxes me'.

× And birds are just my happy point, my really relaxed session point.

✓ Birds just make me happy; they help me relax.

Problems: awkward noun phrases 'happy point' and 'relaxed session point' are not natural English. Suggestion: Use simple, natural expressions: 'make me happy' and 'help me relax'.