Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: 문장 구조를 더 간결하고 자연스럽게 바꾸세요. 반복(looking at looking at, enjoy it. Enjoy it's)과 망설임(umm)을 줄이고, 주제문(topic sentence)을 명확히 한 뒤 구체적 세부사항(무슨 활동을 했는지)을 연결사로 이어 말하세요. 예: "I loved going to parks because I enjoyed observing birds and exploring with friends, so I asked my parents to take me almost every day."

例: I loved going to parks as a child because I enjoyed watching birds and exploring the trails with my friends. As a result, I would often ask my parents to take me there almost every day after school.

提案: 명확한 문장으로 교정하세요. 발음 실수(park/part)와 중복 표현(next to my next to) 및 불필요한 표현(access to park within a MO within 10 minutes)을 제거하세요. 시간 표현은 간단히 말하고 이유(왜 가는지)를 추가하면 더 좋습니다. 연결사로 이유를 자연스럽게 덧붙이세요.

例: Yes, I still like going to parks. There is a park very close to where I live, so I can get there within ten minutes. I often go there to relax and watch the birds.

提案: 중복(peaceful/tranquil twice), 어색한 시제와 문장 흐름을 고치세요. 'have to'는 강제성을 주므로 'like to' 또는 'prefer'로 바꾸고, 원하는 이유를 구체적으로 설명하세요. 또한 마지막 문장은 의미가 불분명하므로 제거하거나 명확히 하세요.

例: Yes, I would. I love parks because they provide a peaceful place to relax and enjoy nature. For example, in the evenings when it's quiet I like to go for a walk or sit and read, so I wish there were more parks in my city.

提案: 중복과 망설임을 제거하고 구체적인 이유를 추가하세요. 단순히 'there are several parks'라고 끝내지 말고 한두 곳을 이름과 함께 이유(무엇이 특별한지)를 설명하면 좋습니다. 연결사로 리스트를 자연스럽게 만드세요.

例: Yes, there are several parks I'd like to visit. The first is French Park, because I've heard it has beautiful flower gardens and scenic walking paths. I also want to visit Riverside Park for its river views and picnic areas.

× I love nature and looking at looking at nature and birds and also enjoy it.

✓ I loved nature and looking at nature and birds, and I also enjoyed it.

The student mixes present and past forms and repeats phrases. The context is past (as a child), so use past tense verbs. Remove duplication 'looking at' and make verbs consistent: 'loved' and 'enjoyed'. Keep gerund 'looking' after 'enjoyed'.

× Enjoy it's umm, exploring the parts with my friends.

✓ I enjoyed exploring the parks with my friends.

This fragment lacks a clear subject and contains colloquial filler. Change to a complete past-tense sentence with subject 'I' and correct noun 'parks'.

× So I always asked my parents to take me there almost every day.

✓ So I always asked my parents to take me there.

Combining 'always' with 'almost every day' is redundant. Past tense 'asked' is correct for childhood context; remove redundancy to improve clarity.

× Yes I do, the part is next to my next to where I live so I can easily access to park within a MO within 10 minutes.

✓ Yes, I do. The park is next to where I live, so I can easily access it within 10 minutes.

Multiple issues: 'part' should be 'park', duplication 'next to my next to' removed, 'access to park' is incorrect — use 'access it' or 'get to the park'. Remove 'within a MO' unclear fragment. Use present tense 'is' for current location.

× Yes so I still enjoy going to park and just watching nature.

✓ Yes, so I still enjoy going to the park and just watching nature.

Use the definite article 'the' with 'park' when referring to a specific nearby park. Gerund 'going' is correct. Add commas for readability.

× I really love parts because they provide me tranquil, tranquil place to relax and enjoy nature.

✓ I really love parks because they provide me with a tranquil place to relax and enjoy nature.

Correct nouns: 'parks' not 'parts'. Add preposition 'with' after 'provide'. Remove duplicated 'tranquil'. Use singular 'a tranquil place' to describe the general benefit.

× Especially in the evening when it's quiet I have to go for a walk and or sit and read.

✓ Especially in the evening when it is quiet, I like to go for a walk or sit and read.

'Have to' implies obligation; context suggests preference, so use 'like to'. Use 'or' instead of 'and or'. Add comma after the dependent clause.

× So I wish there are more.

✓ So I wish there were more.

After 'wish' to talk about an unreal or desired present situation, use past subjunctive 'were' instead of 'are'.

× There are more. There were more parts than Greenspan.

✓ I wish there were more parks than Greenspan.

The original is fragmented and switches tense. Combine into a single clear wish statement and correct 'parts' to 'parks'. Ensure grammatical mood: 'wish there were'.

× Yes, I have. Yes, there are There are several parts I want to go to in the future.

✓ Yes, there are several parks I want to visit in the future.

Remove repeated phrases and correct 'parts' to 'parks'. Use 'visit' rather than 'go to' for natural phrasing and keep present tense for future plans.

× The first one I've I've thought about the park is is French Park I've.

✓ The first park I have thought about is French Park.

Remove repeated words 'I've', 'is is', and trailing 'I've'. Use clear relative clause: 'The first park I have thought about is French Park.' Maintain present perfect 'have thought' for considered plans.