Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be concise and correct grammar: start with a clear topic sentence, avoid repetition, and use linking words to add a specific detail. Also correct tense and article use (e.g., 'I loved going to parks as a child').

例: I loved going to parks as a child. They were relaxing places where I could see many plants and flowers, and I often played games with my friends. For example, we used to have picnics and play tag, which made those visits memorable.

提案: Give a direct topic sentence and a clear reason using linking words. Avoid filler words and awkward phrasing; use correct frequency expressions ('rarely' or 'occasionally') and be specific about what parks you mean.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks, but I rarely go because of work. However, when I have free time I visit nearby parks to relax and exercise, and I'd also like to visit larger theme parks such as Disneyland for a special outing.

提案: Avoid repetition and fill gaps with specific benefits and examples. Use linking words (for example, because, so) and finish the sentence with concrete activities people can do in parks.

例: Yes, I would like more parks in the city because they provide green space and reduce stress. For example, people can walk, exercise, read, or meet friends there, which improves well-being and community life.

提案: Provide a clear main sentence and then give specific details and reasons. Remove hesitations and repetitions; use correct expressions for wishes and conditions (e.g., 'If I can afford it, I'd like to visit Disneyland because...').

例: Yes, I would love to visit Disneyland in the future. If I can afford the trip, I want to go because I have dreamed of seeing the attractions and shows since childhood, and I think the park would be a magical experience.

× Yes, I do love going to park since ever since I was a child and until now, if I have ample time I want to go to the park every day.

✓ Yes, I have loved going to parks ever since I was a child, and even now if I have ample time I want to go to the park every day.

The original sentence has plural/singular mismatches and redundant phrasing. 'Going to park' should be 'going to parks' or 'going to the park'. 'Ever since' was duplicated as 'since ever since' — use one form. Also tense should be present perfect 'have loved' to show a continuous preference from past to present. Combine clauses for clarity. Suggestion: Use 'have loved going to parks ever since I was a child' or 'have loved going to the park ever since I was a child.'

× Because in the park you can relax, you can see a lot of beautiful plants and flowers and also you can jog or do some exercises.

✓ Because in the park you can relax, see many beautiful plants and flowers, and also jog or do some exercises.

The original repeats 'you can' unnecessarily and uses 'a lot of' which is informal; 'many' is better with countable 'plants and flowers.' Streamline coordinated verbs after shared subject. Suggestion: Omit repeated 'you can' and use parallel structure: 'you can relax, see many... and jog.'

× Yes, if I have ample time I want to go there every day, but since I am also busy with my work, I just seldom go to park when whenever it's necessary or at my convenience.

✓ Yes, if I have ample time I want to go there every day, but because I am busy with work I seldom go to the park, only when it is necessary or convenient.

Preposition 'to park' is incorrect; use 'to the park.' 'Since' as causal connector can be replaced with 'because' for clarity. 'When whenever' is redundant; choose one. 'At my convenience' is wordy; 'when it is convenient' is clearer. Suggestion: Use 'seldom go to the park' and avoid redundant words.

× And I want to go to different uh, parks like the Disneyland.

✓ And I want to go to different parks, like Disneyland.

Use of the definite article 'the' before 'Disneyland' is unnecessary in English. Also 'different parks like Disneyland' is clearer without 'the.' Remove filler 'uh' and unnecessary commas. Suggestion: Say 'parks like Disneyland' or 'different parks such as Disneyland.'

× Yes, I think that idea would be a great idea to have more parks in the city because parks are umm relaxing, can give you relaxation from your everyday day-to-day life and through parks you can do you can do things like.

✓ Yes, I think it would be a great idea to have more parks in the city because parks are relaxing, they give you a break from everyday life, and you can do many activities there.

Original has repetition ('idea' twice), fillers ('umm'), and broken sentence ending ('you can do you can do things like'). Also 'can give you relaxation from your everyday day-to-day life' is redundant. Use clear parallel structure: three coordinated clauses with subjects. Suggestion: Remove fillers, avoid repetition, and complete the final clause with examples if needed.

× Yeah, I want to be yes, definitely. There's one part that I, I really want to go in the future and if I have umm, enough budget, like the distant theme park, it's my ever.

✓ Yes, definitely. There is one park that I really want to visit in the future, and if I have enough budget, like a distant theme park, it has always been my dream.

Multiple issues: 'I want to be yes' is ungrammatical — replace with 'Yes, definitely.' 'Part' should be 'park.' 'Go' requires 'visit' or 'go to.' 'It's my ever' is incorrect; use 'it has always been my dream' or 'I've wanted to go since I was young.' 'The distant theme park' is odd; 'a distant theme park' fits. Suggestion: Use correct noun 'park,' proper verb 'visit,' and express 'always been my dream.'

× It's it's my dream ever since when I was young. Uh, I think Disneyland park is such a magical place.

✓ It has been my dream ever since I was young. I think Disneyland is such a magical place.

Use present perfect 'has been' to link past desire to present. Remove duplicated 'it's' and unnecessary 'when' after 'since.' 'Disneyland park' is redundant; 'Disneyland' suffices. Suggestion: Say 'It has been my dream ever since I was young' and avoid repetition and extra words.