Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be clear and use correct verbs and simple sentence structures. Give one concise topic sentence, then one or two supporting details with correct grammar and specific images. Use linking words like 'because' or 'and' to connect ideas. Avoid invented words (e.g. 'optimized') and unclear phrases ('let up steam').

例: Yes, I loved going to the nearby Burrame Park as a child because it helped me relax after school. I often played on the swings and climbed the big oak tree, which made me feel free and happy.

提案: Good direct answer and supporting details. Improve by using correct plural/singular forms, smoother linking words, and one clearer reason. Replace vague phrases like 'different style and expression' with specific observations.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks. I usually walk there to relax and exercise, and I like watching people because I can observe different fashions and facial expressions, which I find interesting.

提案: Organize ideas into one clear topic sentence and two specific supporting details. Use correct noun forms and simple linking phrases. Avoid repetition and filler ('uh'). Be specific about facilities and explain how they help people.

例: Yes, I would like the government to create more parks in the city with facilities such as children’s playgrounds, sports fields, and a skating rink. These facilities would give families a safe place to relax and encourage more people to exercise regularly.

提案: Give a concise topic sentence naming a specific park and one or two clear reasons for wanting to visit. Avoid hesitations and incomplete phrases. Use linking words like 'because' or 'for example' and provide a clear description of features you expect to see.

例: Yes, I would like to visit parks abroad, for example Ronald Island Park, because it has diverse gardens and coastal trails. I want to see the unique landscapes and try the outdoor activities there.

× I optimized to the nearby Burrame park as a child and I to relax and get some pressure.

✓ I used to go to the nearby Burrame Park as a child to relax and relieve pressure.

The original sentence uses 'optimized' incorrectly and has missing verbs and noun forms. The intended meaning is a habitual past action, which requires 'used to' plus base verb 'go'. 'Relieve pressure' is the correct collocation for reducing stress. Capitalize proper noun 'Park'. Suggestion: Use 'used to' for past habits, ensure correct verb choices ('go' not 'optimize') and correct noun phrases ('relieve pressure').

× I enjoyed playing on the swing and explore the tree without being let up steam after a long day.

✓ I enjoyed playing on the swing and exploring the trees to let off steam after a long day.

After 'enjoyed' the verb should be in the -ing form, so 'explore' must become 'exploring'. 'Swing' is usually plural or 'the swing' depending on context; 'trees' is likely plural. The phrase is 'let off steam' meaning to release stress. Also change word order to sound natural. Suggestion: After verbs like 'enjoy', use gerunds for subsequent verbs and use correct idiomatic expressions such as 'let off steam'.

× I often go for a walk there to relax and exercise, and I also like people watching because I find there are different style and expression interesting.

✓ I often go for a walk there to relax and exercise, and I also like people-watching because I find different styles and expressions interesting.

'People watching' is better hyphenated as 'people-watching' when used as a noun. 'There are different style and expression' has count and agreement errors: 'style' and 'expression' should be plural ('styles' and 'expressions'), and the clause 'I find different styles and expressions interesting' is more concise and grammatically correct. Suggestion: Ensure plural agreement for countable nouns and use hyphenation for compound nouns used as activities.

× I would like to government to create more park with different facilities such as children's play, playground, sports build and uh skating skating rink link.

✓ I would like the government to create more parks with different facilities such as children's play areas, playgrounds, sports facilities and a skating rink.

The sentence misses the article 'the' before 'government' and has singular/plural mismatches: 'park' should be 'parks', 'play' should be 'play areas', 'sports build' is incorrect and should be 'sports facilities'. 'Would like' is correctly used to express desire but requires the object 'the government' and correct noun forms. Remove filler words 'uh' and repeated words. Suggestion: Use 'I would like the government to ...' then pluralize countable nouns and use standard collocations like 'play areas' and 'sports facilities'.

× This space would give me families a safe place to relax and how people get more exercise.

✓ This space would give families a safe place to relax and help people get more exercise.

'Give me families' is incorrect pronoun use; likely meant 'give families'. 'How people get more exercise' is ungrammatical; 'help people get more exercise' expresses intended meaning. Ensure correct verb 'help' and appropriate pronoun/object order. Suggestion: Use the correct indirect object or direct object ('give families') and use verbs like 'help' to indicate enabling action.

× Yeah, absolutely yes, uh, if I were given the choice, I would opt for traveling another, other countries in, uh, including a park like umm, Ronald Islands park.

✓ Yes, if I were given the choice, I would choose to travel to other countries and visit parks such as Ronald Islands Park.

The original sentence is disfluent with repetitions and filler words. 'Opt for traveling another, other countries' is ungrammatical; use 'choose to travel to other countries'. 'Including a park like' should be 'visit parks such as'. Capitalize 'Park'. Suggestion: Remove fillers, avoid repetition, use clear verbs ('choose to travel to') and proper prepositions ('travel to other countries').

× They include uh, a range of, of reapers and the.

✓ They include a range of features and facilities.

The fragment is incomplete and contains fillers and repetitions. 'Reapers' is likely a misheard word; based on context 'features' or 'recreational areas' fits. Complete the sentence by specifying what 'they include' and remove fillers. Suggestion: Replace unclear words with appropriate nouns ('features', 'recreational areas'), eliminate filler words, and provide a complete clause.