Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be direct and clear: start with a topic sentence that answers the question, then add one or two concise supporting details. Avoid repeated words and grammatical mistakes (e.g., subject-verb agreement, unnecessary words). Keep answers under five sentences and use linking words (for example, “so” or “and”) correctly.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. I usually played games with my friends and ran around on the grass, and I spent hours on the swings. Because my parents limited screen time, parks were our main place for outdoor fun.

提案: Correct word choice and clarity: replace incorrect words (e.g., “militaries”) with appropriate vocabulary (“trees” or “greenery”). Begin with a clear topic sentence, then give specific reasons and one example. Use linking words like “because” and “for example” to connect ideas.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks because they offer fresh air and lots of trees. For example, I often sit on a bench to read or watch people exercising, which helps me relax and feel closer to nature.

提案: Be concise and avoid hesitations like “umm.” Start with a direct answer, then give two clear reasons using linking words such as “because” and “so.” Use precise phrasing (e.g., “preserve green space” instead of “save so much greenery”).

例: Definitely. I would like more parks because big cities have many buildings and little green space, so parks help preserve nature. Also, more parks would improve air quality and provide places for people to relax.

提案: Organize your response: answer directly, then describe a specific park and activities you would do. Correct grammar and tense (e.g., “I enjoy” or “I would enjoy”), remove repetitions, and keep it within five sentences. Use linking words like “for example” or “so” to show purpose.

例: Not a particular park comes to mind, but I would like to visit Eden Park in the future because it has beautiful trees and fresh air. I would enjoy doing light exercise in the sunshine or sitting on a bench to read, because that helps me relax.

× It's definitely I was not, I was not allowed to use my phone as a child, so going to park with my I mainly to have fun.

✓ Definitely not; I was not allowed to use my phone as a child, so going to the park was mainly for fun.

Original sentence has confusing structure and word order ('It's definitely I was not') and missing article before 'park'. Fix: reorder to 'Definitely not; I was not allowed...' and use 'the park' and past tense 'was' to match 'was not allowed'. Suggestion: keep clauses separate and use proper articles and tense.

× I used to play games with my friends, run around on the grass and spend hours on the swing which I really enjoyed it.

✓ I used to play games with my friends, run around on the grass and spend hours on the swing, which I really enjoyed.

The clause ends with redundant pronoun 'it' after 'which'. 'Which' already refers to the entire preceding clause; adding 'it' is incorrect. Remove 'it' and add a comma before 'which'.

× Yes, I still enjoy going to the park because it lets me be surrounded by militaries and fresh air.

✓ Yes, I still enjoy going to the park because it lets me be surrounded by greenery and fresh air.

The word 'militaries' is wrong here; likely intended 'greenery' (plants) or 'trees'. Replace with 'greenery'. This is a lexical choice error falling under incorrect use of adjectives/nouns. Ensure word choice matches meaning.

× I like watching other people relax or sometimes go for work or read a book there, which helps me feel closer to nature.

✓ I like watching other people relax, go for a walk, or read a book there, which helps me feel closer to nature.

Original mixes 'go for work' which is unnatural; likely 'go for a walk'. Also parallel structure requires balanced verbs: 'relax, go for a walk, or read a book'.

× I think everyone wants to see more parks because umm, in big cities there are too many buildings and it's hard for all us to save so much greenery.

✓ I think everyone wants to see more parks because, in big cities, there are too many buildings and it's hard for all of us to save much greenery.

Problems: 'all us' should be 'all of us' (pronoun usage) and 'save so much greenery' is awkward; 'save much greenery' or 'preserve greenery' works better. Also punctuation improved. This addresses pronoun/preposition and wording.

× Not specifically, I have never really thought about a specif specific part I want to visit but I would like to go to Eden Park with beautiful trees and fresh air.

✓ Not specifically. I have never really thought about a specific park I want to visit, but I would like to go to Eden Park because it has beautiful trees and fresh air.

Errors: duplicate word 'specif specific' and 'part' should be 'park'. Also tense and clarity: use 'has' to describe the park's features. Split into two sentences for clarity.

× Enjoy going there to do sunlight exercise or sit on a bench just to do some reading because it's really helped me relax.

✓ I enjoy going there to do sun exercises or sit on a bench just to read because it really helps me relax.

Original mixes verb forms incorrectly: 'Enjoy' lacks subject, 'sunlight exercise' is awkward, 'it's really helped me relax' uses present perfect incorrectly for a general habit. Correct: 'I enjoy' (present simple habit), 'sun exercises' or 'sunlight exercise' -> better 'sun exercises' or 'sunlight exercises', and 'it really helps me relax' (present simple).