Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: 문장 구조와 시제 사용을 정확히 고쳐 자연스럽게 말하세요. 불필요한 반복을 줄이고 주제문(topic sentence)을 명확히 한 뒤, 구체적인 예시로 뒷받침하세요. 예: 과거 경험이므로 과거 시제를 사용하고, 반복된 단어나 어구(there are/there were)를 제거하세요.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child because they had many playgrounds and games. For example, I often played on the swings and climbed the jungle gym with neighborhood friends, which made those afternoons really fun.

提案: 발음과 불필요한 단어(예: sleep) 실수를 피하고, 주제문 뒤에 이유를 명확히 제시하세요. 연결어(for example, because 등)를 사용해 문장을 논리적으로 연결하고, 감정 묘사를 구체화하세요.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks because the trees and flowers help me relax. For example, sitting on a bench and listening to birds often clears my mind and reduces stress.

提案: 말의 흐름을 매끄럽게 하고 불필요한 망설임(uh, so)을 줄이세요. 아이디어를 명확한 구조(주장 + 이유 + 구체적 근거)로 제시하고, 문법(예: the city needs)을 정확히 사용하세요.

例: Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city because although there are national parks nearby, downtown lacks public green spaces. More small parks would give residents places to relax and exercise during the day.

提案: 모순되는 시제(이미 방문했음 vs 가고싶다)를 정리하고, 말 더듬는 표현을 줄이세요. 방문 경험을 간단히 설명한 뒤, 미래 계획을 연결하는 구조(과거 경험 -> 인상 -> 미래 계획)를 사용하세요.

例: Yes, I would like to visit Central Park again. I went there in 2023 and was very impressed by its size and atmosphere, so I hope to return with my parents or friends next year.

× Yes, I like to go to park as a child because at the in the park there are many things to play and every time I went to the park there was there were many friends to play with.

✓ Yes, I liked going to the park as a child because there were many things to play with, and every time I went to the park there were many friends to play with.

학생은 과거의 어린 시절을 말하고 있으므로 동사를 과거형으로 사용해야 합니다. 'like to go to park as a child'에서 'like'를 과거형 'liked'로 바꾸고, 'to go to park'는 관사 missing으로 'the park'로 고쳐야 합니다. 'there are many things to play'는 목적어 표현이 부족하므로 'things to play with'로 수정합니다. 또한 중복된 'there was there were' 표현을 하나의 올바른 과거형 'there were'로 정리해야 합니다.

× Yes, I sleep still like to go into the park. Every time I go to the park there are many trees, plants and flowers and that they make my mind very calm and it's so good.

✓ Yes, I still like to go to the park. Every time I go to the park there are many trees, plants, and flowers, and they make my mind very calm, which is very nice.

현재의 습관을 말하므로 현재형 'like'는 유지되지만 불필요한 단어 'sleep'를 제거해야 합니다. 'go into the park'보다 자연스러운 표현은 'go to the park'입니다. 'and that they make my mind very calm and it's so good'은 연결과 대명사 사용이 어색하므로 'and they make my mind very calm, which is very nice'로 고쳐 문장을 명확하게 만듭니다.

× Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city, uh, because there are many national parks in my town, but there are not many public parks in downtown. So I think I the city need more public parks.

✓ Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city, because there are many national parks in my town, but there are not many public parks downtown. So I think the city needs more public parks.

문장의 마지막 부분에서 주어-동사 일치 오류가 있습니다. 'I the city need'는 어순과 주어가 잘못되어 'the city needs'로 바꿔야 합니다. 또한 'in downtown'은 'downtown' 자체로 장소를 나타내므로 전치사 없이 'downtown'으로 쓰는 것이 자연스럽습니다.

× Uh, yes, sure. I want to go to Central Park in New York. Actually I went there in 2023 and it would, I, it was very impressive. So I would like to go there with my parents or friends in future.

✓ Uh, yes, sure. I want to go to Central Park in New York. Actually I went there in 2023 and it was very impressive. So I would like to go there with my parents or friends in the future.

'it would, I, it was very impressive' 부분은 불필요한 단어 'would'와 어색한 중복으로 인해 문장이 흐트러져 있습니다. 과거 경험을 말하므로 간단히 'it was very impressive'로 정리해야 합니다. 또한 'in future'는 영어에서 일반적으로 'in the future'로 표현합니다.