Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid fillers (e.g., "like"). Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details (where, who, what you did) and finish with a brief feeling or reflection. Use linking words (for example, "for instance", "and") to connect ideas.

例: Yes — I loved going to parks when I was a child. For example, every visit to my grandmother’s house included trips to nearby city parks and a local theme park, where we played games and met other children. Those outings were highlights of my holidays, and I remember them very fondly.

提案: Provide a direct topic sentence about current habits, then give clear supporting details. Avoid tense inconsistency and awkward phrasing (e.g., "I need to shake off and produce some adrenaline"). Use linking words like "also" or "however" properly and keep to 2–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks. For instance, I run at my local city park every Saturday as part of a park run, and I also plan occasional trips to theme parks on the Gold Coast because I like the adrenaline from the rides. Overall, parks are an important way for me to relax and exercise.

提案: Start with a clear opinion sentence, then give a specific reason and an example. Remove repetition and correct small grammar errors ("get get" -> "get"). Use a linking word such as "because" or "so" to connect reason and result.

例: Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city because existing parks become very crowded during busy periods like December and the Easter holidays. If the city created more parks, people would have more choices and less overcrowding, making visits more enjoyable.

提案: Give one clear plan and a concise reason. Avoid repeating obvious words ("something new, something refreshing"); instead, specify what you expect to enjoy. Use linking words like "because" to connect plan and reason.

例: Yes, I plan to visit the theme parks on the Gold Coast next December during my holidays because I enjoy the adrenaline of the rides and I want to try new attractions. I’m especially looking forward to a few roller coasters and immersive shows there.

× Yes, I loved going to the parks when I was 12.

✓ Yes, I loved going to parks when I was 12.

Using the definite article 'the' before 'parks' implies specific parks already known to the listener. The student is speaking generally about parks they visited as a child, so the zero article (no article) or 'parks' without 'the' is correct. Suggestion: remove 'the' when referring to parks in general.

× We used to visit my grandma in the city and she would take us to like different parks, like city parks and theme parks.

✓ We used to visit my grandma in the city and she would take us to different parks, such as city parks and theme parks.

The phrase 'to like different parks' incorrectly uses the filler 'like' as a preposition; here 'like' should not be used. Use 'such as' or omit 'like' to list examples. Also remove the repeated 'like' for clarity. Suggestion: use 'such as' or 'for example' when listing types.

× We would play and engage with other people in their area.

✓ We would play and interact with other children in the area.

The original 'engage with other people in their area' is vague and has a pronoun reference problem ('their' unclear). 'Interact with other children in the area' clarifies who was involved and fixes the awkward structure. Suggestion: use a specific noun instead of vague 'people' and avoid unclear pronoun references.

× I enjoy going to city parks to do my park run, which I attended every Saturday, and also I would like to go to the Gold Coast where there are theme parks.

✓ I enjoy going to city parks to do my parkrun, which I attend every Saturday, and I would also like to go to the Gold Coast where there are theme parks.

Tense inconsistency: 'enjoy' is present, but 'attended' is past. Use present tense 'attend' to match 'enjoy' and indicate habitual action. Also reorder 'I would also like' for natural flow and change 'park run' to 'parkrun' if referring to the event name. Suggestion: keep habitual activities in present simple.

× I need to shake off and produce some adrenaline.

✓ I need to shake off stress and get an adrenaline rush.

The verb collocations are incorrect: 'produce some adrenaline' is unnatural. 'Shake off' usually takes an object (e.g., stress), and 'get an adrenaline rush' is the idiomatic way to express seeking excitement. Suggestion: use common collocations like 'get an adrenaline rush' and provide an object for 'shake off.'

× I believe that more parks equates to more options, mostly during the busy seasons like December and Easter holidays where parks that are already available get get fully packed.

✓ I believe that more parks equate to more options, especially during busy seasons like December and the Easter holidays when existing parks become fully packed.

Subject-verb agreement: 'more parks' (plural) requires plural verb 'equate' not 'equates.' Also 'mostly during the busy seasons like December and Easter holidays' is awkward; use 'especially during busy seasons like December and the Easter holidays.' 'Where' is incorrect for time/context; use 'when.' Removed duplicate 'get.' Suggestion: ensure subject-verb agreement and use 'when' for time clauses.

× So if they could put more parks then people would have a variety.

✓ So if they could create more parks, people would have more options.

Awkward phrasing: 'put more parks' is unnatural; 'create' or 'build' is better. 'Have a variety' is vague; 'have more options' is clearer. Also add a comma after the conditional clause for readability. Suggestion: use natural collocations like 'create more parks' and 'have more options.'

× There are theme parks that I would like to go to in the Gold Coast, probably in December during my holidays.

✓ There are theme parks on the Gold Coast that I would like to go to, probably in December during my holidays.

Preposition and article use: the location name 'Gold Coast' commonly takes the preposition 'on' rather than 'in' when referring to that region, and 'the' is used before 'Gold Coast.' Suggestion: use 'on the Gold Coast.'

× This is because I want the adrenaline rush when I get those rides and also just experience something new, something refreshing.

✓ This is because I want the adrenaline rush from those rides and to experience something new and refreshing.

Parallel structure and preposition: 'when I get those rides' is informal and 'get' is not the best verb; use 'from those rides.' Also maintain parallel infinitive structure: 'to want X and to experience Y' or 'want X and experience Y' but keep form consistent. Suggestion: use parallel infinitives and appropriate prepositions ('from').