Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Reduce hesitations and unnatural phrases, use a clear topic sentence then one or two specific supporting details with linking words. Avoid vague terms like "the environments" and filler sounds ("uh").

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child because they offered beautiful scenery and space to play. For example, my family often had picnics by the lake, where we played games and watched birds, which made those visits memorable.

提案: Avoid contradicting opening statements; give a clear main idea then support it with specific reasons and linking words. Replace vague phrase "when I have things" with a precise phrase (e.g., "when I'm stressed"), and reduce repetition.

例: I don't go often because I prefer indoor activities, but when I'm stressed I like to visit a park to relax. For instance, I sit on a bench, read a book, and enjoy the trees, which helps me clear my mind.

提案: Start with a concise topic sentence, then give two precise benefits using linking words like "because" and "for example." Avoid repetition such as "of course" twice and awkward phrasing like "to make it stand out more."

例: Yes, I would, because more parks improve residents' quality of life and attract visitors. For example, new parks can provide playgrounds for children and peaceful gardens for older people, making the city more attractive.

提案: Provide a direct answer and a specific plan rather than vague conditional language and fillers. Replace hesitations ("uh") and awkward repetition with a clear intended action and an example of the type of park you might seek.

例: Not at the moment, but if I wanted to visit one I would search online for a nearby botanical garden or lakeside park. For instance, I might look for a botanical garden to enjoy flowers and take photos.

× Of course, I loved going to parks as a child because it gave me the opportunity to admire, uh, the environments, see nice landscapes, and most importantly, I was able to spend quality time with my family members.

✓ Of course, I loved going to parks as a child because it gave me the opportunity to admire the environment, see nice landscapes, and most importantly, spend quality time with my family.

Error type: Incorrect use of plural for an uncountable noun and unnecessary repetition of auxiliary. 'Environments' is awkward here because 'environment' as a general concept is uncountable; use the singular. Also, 'I was able to spend' is wordy; after 'most importantly,' a parallel verb phrase without extra auxiliary ('spend') keeps the list balanced. Remove 'members' because 'family' is sufficient and more natural.

× Actually, not really. I prefer staying indoors now that I'm an adult. But when I have things, when I want to get things off my mind, I love to go to the park and just sit there, read a book, admire the scenery.

✓ Actually, not really. I prefer staying indoors now that I'm an adult. But when I need to get things off my mind, I love to go to the park, sit there, read a book, and admire the scenery.

Error type: awkward phrasing and non-parallel verbs. 'When I have things' is unclear; use 'when I need to get things off my mind.' Maintain parallel structure in the list of actions: use base verbs connected by commas and 'and' ('sit, read, and admire') to be grammatical and natural.

× Of course I would because I feel when there are more parks in my city, it will attract more people to my city and to make it stand out more.

✓ Of course I would because I feel that if there are more parks in my city, they will attract more people and make the city stand out more.

Errors: missing conjunction and awkward clause structure. Insert 'that' or 'if' to introduce the clause correctly; use 'they' to refer back to 'parks' for clarity; remove the redundant 'to' before 'make' and simplify to 'make the city stand out more.' This fixes sentence structure and maintains subject-verb agreement.

× And of course there will be more options to choose from than before.

✓ And of course there would be more options to choose from than before.

Tense/tense consistency issue: The student is expressing a hypothetical result following 'I would' earlier, so 'would' is more consistent than 'will.' Use 'would' to match the conditional mood established by 'I would.'

× Actually presently I don't have any park in mind, but maybe in the future if I feel if I have the need to, I will just uh, Google it on my phone and uh, search for a park to go for recreation.

✓ At present I don't have any park in mind, but maybe in the future, if I feel the need, I will just Google it on my phone and search for a park for recreation.

Errors: redundant words and word order. Use 'At present' or 'Currently' instead of 'Actually presently.' Remove the repeated 'if' ('if I feel if I have the need') and simplify to 'if I feel the need.' Remove filler 'uh' and the redundant 'to go for' before 'recreation' — 'search for a park for recreation' is concise and natural.