Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and structured: start with a clear topic sentence, then give two specific supporting details. Avoid repetition of 'we used to' and reduce hesitation. Use linking words like 'for example' or 'also' to connect ideas.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. For example, I often met new friends there after school and we played group games like tag and hide-and-seek. I also enjoyed the swings and running around, which made those afternoons very fun.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence and one or two concise reasons with smooth linking. Avoid self-corrections and repetition. Use varied vocabulary such as 'inspired' or 'nostalgic' to improve lexical range.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks. Watching children play inspires me and evokes a sense of nostalgia, which helps me relax and feel youthful again.

提案: Structure your response: state your opinion, then give one clear reason and a brief consequence. Avoid filler phrases and hesitations. Use linking words like 'because' and 'therefore' to show cause and effect.

例: Yes, I think the city should have more parks because it would give families easier access to outdoor spaces. As a result, children would be more likely to play outside and benefit from physical activity.

提案: Clarify your meaning and avoid hesitations. Begin with a direct answer, then give two specific reasons why you want to visit. Use precise vocabulary (e.g., 'theme park', 'nostalgic', 'attractions') and finish the sentence.

例: I would like to visit Disneyland in the future. I want to go because it is a famous theme park full of nostalgic attractions from my childhood, and I think the rides and shows would be very entertaining.

× when I used to visit park, I used to meet my new friends back then.

✓ when I used to visit the park, I would meet new friends back then.

Article error and awkward verb choice: 'visit park' needs the definite/indefinite article 'the' or 'a' depending on context; here 'the park' is natural. Also, repeated 'used to' is grammatical but replacing the second 'used to' with 'would' avoids repetition and is idiomatic when describing habitual past actions. Suggestion: use 'the park' and vary past habitual expressions: 'I used to visit the park' or 'I would meet new friends.'

× We used to meet after schools.

✓ We used to meet after school.

'After schools' is incorrect because 'after school' is an idiomatic time expression referring to the period following the school day. Use the singular uncountable form 'school' in this expression. Suggestion: say 'after school' or 'after classes.'

× We used to, uh, board.

✓ We used to board swings.

Sentence is incomplete and unclear: 'board' needs an object to show what was being boarded. In context of park activities, 'board swings' or 'go on the swings' fits. Suggestion: provide the object or use a clearer verb: 'go on the swings.'

× We used to play with swings and all, uh, we, we used to run.

✓ We used to play on the swings and run around.

'Play with swings' is acceptable but 'play on the swings' is more natural. Repetition 'we, we' is redundant. Combine actions into a single fluid sentence. Suggestion: streamline by using 'and' to connect activities and avoid repeated pronouns.

× I like watching kids playing and seeing their enthusiasm makes me feel motivated, makes me makes me revive my inner child.

✓ I like watching kids play; seeing their enthusiasm motivates me and revives my inner child.

Verb form and redundancy: use the base verb 'play' after 'watching' for a gerund phrase or 'watch kids playing' is possible but 'watch kids play' is more concise. 'Makes me makes me' is repeated and ungrammatical. Also combine clauses and use 'motivates me' rather than 'makes me feel motivated' for conciseness. Suggestion: remove repetition and choose consistent verb forms: 'I like watching kids play; seeing their enthusiasm motivates me and revives my inner child.'

× Yeah, definitely there are, I believe there should be more parks in the city so that people, everybody should have access to the parks.

✓ Yeah, definitely. I believe there should be more parks in the city so that everyone has access to them.

Awkward modal and pronoun use: 'people, everybody should have access to the parks' is redundant. Use 'everyone has access to them.' Replace 'there should be more parks' remains fine. Avoid combining 'there are' and 'I believe' without punctuation. Suggestion: split into two sentences and use 'everyone' and 'access to them.'

× If there are lesser parks that are far away than people don't tend to visit with the kids there and then kids don't tend to, uh, enjoy the outdoor games a lot.

✓ If there are fewer parks and they are far away, people don't tend to visit with their children, so the kids don't often enjoy outdoor games.

Use 'fewer' with countable nouns ('parks'), not 'lesser.' Sentence structure is run-on and punctuation is needed. 'With the kids there' is unclear; 'with their children' is clearer. Replace 'a lot' with 'often' for natural phrasing. Suggestion: use 'fewer parks' and break into clearer clauses: 'If there are fewer parks and they are far away, people won't visit with their children, so kids won't often enjoy outdoor games.'

× One of the bugs that it's not just a park, I would say, uh, it's a theme park, which is Disneyland.

✓ It's not just a park; I would say it's a theme park, like Disneyland.

Confusing phrase 'One of the bugs' is incorrect and makes the sentence incoherent. Likely the speaker meant 'one of the places' or simply 'it's not just a park.' Use clearer connectors and punctuation. 'Which is Disneyland' is awkward; 'like Disneyland' or 'for example, Disneyland' is better. Suggestion: remove 'One of the bugs' and restructure: 'It's not just a park; it's a theme park like Disneyland.'

× I really want to visit that place because that has so many memories associated umm like like I used to play play Mario games, Barbies, all those quick cute little animated stuff.

✓ I really want to visit that place because it has so many associated memories, like when I used to play Mario games and with Barbies — all that cute little animated stuff.

Tense and phrasing: 'that has so many memories associated' is awkward; use 'it has so many associated memories.' Repetition 'play play' is an error. 'Barbies' should be parallel: 'play with Barbies.' 'All those quick cute little animated stuff' is ungrammatical; 'stuff' is uncountable and modifiers are awkward — use 'all that cute little animated stuff.' Suggestion: fix word order, remove repetitions, and maintain parallel structure: 'like when I used to play Mario games and play with Barbies.'

× I really want to go there and just.

✓ I really want to go there and just enjoy it.

Sentence is incomplete; 'and just' requires a verb or phrase to complete the thought. Add a verb such as 'enjoy it' or 'have fun there.' Suggestion: finish the clause: 'I really want to go there and just enjoy it.'