Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, avoid repetition and hesitations, and use clearer past tense forms. Start with a direct topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details (what you liked and why). Use linking words like “because” or “for example.”

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child because my parents often took me there. For example, I spent hours on the swings and the slide, and I remember playing games with neighborhood friends until sunset.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence and expand with one specific reason and a brief example. Reduce filler words and hesitations. Use linking words such as “however” and “because” to show contrast and cause.

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks. However, my reasons have changed: I prefer the calm atmosphere and green space for reading or walking because it helps me relax after work.

提案: Provide a direct opinion sentence, then support it with a clear reason and a specific consequence or example. Avoid repetition and vague fillers. Use linking phrases like “because” and “for example.”

例: Yes, I would like more parks in my city because rapid development and high-rise buildings have reduced open spaces. For example, more small pocket parks would give residents places to walk and relax without traveling far.

提案: Answer directly with the park name or location, then add one or two specific reasons why you want to visit it. Avoid hesitation and unclear phrasing. Use past or future tense correctly and link ideas with words like “because” or “so.”

例: Yes, I want to visit the new park being built near my old home in Hanoi because it looks spacious and has walking paths and a lake. I hope to go there next month to relax and take photographs.

× I used to be taken to the park by my parents and I, like most about it, is the slice and the swing.

✓ I used to be taken to the park by my parents, and what I liked most about it was the slide and the swings.

The sentence had incorrect verb form and structure. 'Like' should be past tense 'liked' to match 'used to' (past habit). 'Is' should be past 'was'. 'Slice' is a typo for 'slide', and 'the swing' should be plural 'the swings' to match general meaning. Also the clause order was awkward; restructuring improves clarity. Suggestions: use past tense verbs consistently when describing past habits; correct lexical items ('slide'); ensure subject and verb agree in tense.

× I don't know. I can spend the whole day at it.

✓ I don't know. I could spend the whole day there.

The modal 'can' suggests present ability but the speaker is reflecting on past enjoyment; 'could' better expresses habitual ability or possibility in that context. Also 'at it' is unnatural for a park; 'there' is the correct locative pronoun. Suggestion: choose modals that match the intended time frame and use appropriate locative pronouns.

× I must say though, the reason wasn't the same as when I was a little girl because I don't like the, you know, the the playground anymore.

✓ I must say, though, the reason wasn't the same as when I was a little girl because I don't like the playground anymore.

There were minor disfluencies (repeated 'the') and punctuation issues. The past contrast 'wasn't the same' is correct; keep 'don't like' for current preference. Removing the extra 'the' and adding a comma after 'must say' improves clarity. Suggestion: remove filler repetitions and use commas to separate discourse markers.

× But now I like, I enjoy the atmosphere and the calmness at the parks.

✓ But now I enjoy the atmosphere and calmness in parks.

Redundant phrasing 'I like, I enjoy' is awkward; choose one verb. 'At the parks' is acceptable but 'in parks' is more natural when speaking generally. Use parallel nouns 'atmosphere and calmness' without 'the' for general statement. Suggestion: avoid redundant verbs and use natural prepositional phrases for general statements.

× I think that is one of the the one of the problem facing many cities.

✓ I think that is one of the problems facing many cities.

This sentence has repetition ('one of the the one of the') and a singular/plural mismatch: 'one of the problems' requires plural 'problems'. Also 'facing' is correct as participle modifying 'problems'. Suggestion: eliminate duplicated fragments and ensure noun number matches 'one of the' construction.

× So now a day because because buildings and skycroppers take up so many space and people like the space for, you know, walking and relaxing in cities.

✓ Nowadays, because buildings and skyscrapers take up so much space, people lack space for walking and relaxing in cities.

Multiple issues: 'now a day' should be 'nowadays'; 'skycroppers' is a misspelling of 'skyscrapers'; 'so many space' is incorrect—'space' is uncountable and requires 'so much space'; repetition 'because because' and awkward phrasing 'people like the space for' should be corrected to 'people lack space for'. Suggestion: use 'nowadays' for present-day generalization, correct spelling, use 'much' with uncountable nouns, and rephrase to express the intended meaning clearly.

× The first park that came to my that come to my mind is the one that is umm, that is Umm uh is at its building progress near my house back then in uh, Hanoi.

✓ The first park that comes to mind is the one that was under construction near my house back then in Hanoi.

Tense and wording were inconsistent. For present recollection 'comes to mind' (present simple) is natural; the park was 'under construction' (past continuous/state), so 'was under construction' or 'was being built' is correct. 'Building progress' is unnatural; use 'under construction' or 'being built'. Remove filler 'umm' and repeated fragments. Suggestion: avoid fillers, choose consistent tense for the time frame described, and use natural collocations like 'under construction'.