Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Reduce hesitations and repetition, use a clear topic sentence then two brief supporting details. Combine short ideas with linking words and more precise vocabulary (e.g., "play on the monkey bars" not "hang on"). Keep it within 3–4 sentences.

例: Yes, I loved going to parks with my family when I was a child. There was a local park close to our house, so it was easy to visit often. I enjoyed playing on the monkey bars and joining other children in games, which made every visit lively and fun.

提案: Minimize fillers (uh, um) and avoid awkward phrasing. Start with a direct statement, then use linking words (however, now) and give specific activities or reasons. Use clearer expressions (e.g., "I usually go alone and listen to music while walking").

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks. However, I usually go alone now because my family is busy, and I like to walk while listening to music on my headphones. Walking in the park helps me reach my daily step target and relax.

提案: Be specific and avoid vague or unclear references. Use correct grammar and definite nouns ("there are a lot of parks"), name one or two park types you want more of and explain why. Use linking words like "for example" or "in particular".

例: There are already many parks in our city, but I would like to see more well-equipped parks. For example, I would welcome more botanical parks with diverse plant collections because they provide educational value and a peaceful atmosphere for visitors.

提案: Correct verb forms and reduce hesitations. Start with a clear answer, then give specific reasons and a time frame. Use linking words (for example, because) and concise phrasing ("when I start university").

例: Yes, I want to visit the parks in Almaty and Astana. They have very large green spaces, and Almaty has a skiing area near one park, which sounds exciting. I hope to visit them when I start university.

× When I when I was a child I particularly enjoyed going to parks with my family.

✓ When I was a child I particularly enjoyed going to parks with my family.

The sentence contains a repeated phrase 'When I when I' which is a redundancy and disrupts sentence structure. Remove the duplicate to make the sentence grammatically correct and fluent. Suggestion: Read sentences aloud and edit out accidental repetitions.

× There was a local park near our house so it was quite easy to get there and have fun.

✓ There was a local park near our house, so it was quite easy to get there and have fun.

The sentence is grammatically correct but missing a comma before the coordinating conjunction 'so' when joining two independent clauses. Adding the comma improves readability. Suggestion: Use a comma before conjunctions that join two independent clauses.

× Also I would hang on monkey bars, play with other children so it was a lot of fun.

✓ Also, I would hang on the monkey bars and play with other children, so it was a lot of fun.

Multiple issues: missing article before 'monkey bars' and missing conjunction between actions. A comma is also needed before 'so' joining independent clauses. Adding 'the' clarifies the noun and adding 'and' links the activities. Suggestion: Use articles with specific nouns and connect listed actions with conjunctions.

× Yeah, I would say that I still enjoy going to parks, uh, but uh, now I don't go there with family since they are very busy.

✓ Yeah, I would say that I still enjoy going to parks, but now I don't go there with my family since they are very busy.

The sentence is mostly correct; the primary issue is missing possessive pronoun 'my' before 'family'. This is an incorrect use of pronouns (ID 12) but also affects modality context. Using 'my family' clarifies ownership. Suggestion: Use possessive pronouns to indicate relationships (my family, his house). Remove filler 'uh' when writing.

× I am more of a, uh, lonely person who likes to go there with a set of headphones and to listen some music.

✓ I am more of a lonely person who likes to go there with a pair of headphones and listen to some music.

Problems: 'a set of headphones' is unnatural; 'a pair of headphones' is preferred. 'To listen some music' is incorrect preposition and infinitive use: correct form is 'listen to some music' or just 'listen to music'. Removed extra 'to' before 'listen'. Suggestion: Use 'listen to' plus object, and prefer 'a pair of headphones' for headphone references.

× I can get, uh, steps for a day like that.

✓ I can get many steps in a day like that.

Original phrasing 'get steps for a day' is unnatural; use 'get many steps in a day' to indicate accumulating steps. Removed filler 'uh'. Suggestion: Use natural collocations like 'get steps', 'in a day'.

× Actually, there is a lot of parks in our city, especially there is UH2UH, largest parks, uh, that has any facilities.

✓ Actually, there are a lot of parks in our city, especially UH2UH, the largest park that has many facilities.

Multiple errors: 'a lot of parks' requires plural verb 'are' (subject-verb agreement). 'There is UH2UH, largest parks' is incorrect article and plural form; use 'the largest park'. 'That has any facilities' is awkward; use 'that has many facilities'. Suggestion: Ensure subject-verb agreement with 'there is/there are', use definite article 'the' for a specific park, and use 'many' for countable plural nouns.

× And I'm looking forward to botanical parks that have many types of plants and trees.

✓ And I'm looking forward to botanical parks that have many types of plants and trees.

This sentence is acceptable, but 'to botanical parks' could be more natural as 'to visiting botanical parks' to match 'looking forward to' which requires a noun or gerund. Consider: 'I'm looking forward to visiting botanical parks that have many types of plants and trees.' Suggestion: Use 'looking forward to' followed by a gerund or noun phrase; prefer 'visiting botanical parks'.

× I am really looking forward to visit parks in Almaty and Astana, uh, the capital city of our country.

✓ I am really looking forward to visiting parks in Almaty and Astana, the capital city of our country.

After 'looking forward to' the verb should be in the gerund form: 'visiting' not the base form 'visit'. Also remove filler 'uh'. Suggestion: Use gerunds after 'look forward to'.

× They have especially large parks, uh, and in Almaty there is a skiing zone near the park, so it would be amazing to go there when I will be going to study in university.

✓ They have especially large parks, and in Almaty there is a skiing zone near the park, so it would be amazing to go there when I go to study at university.

Multiple issues: 'when I will be going to study' is incorrect future-in-the-past wording; English commonly uses simple present for future-time subordinate clauses: 'when I go to study'. Also use 'study at university' rather than 'in university'. Removed filler 'uh'. Suggestion: Use present simple for future time clauses introduced by 'when' (e.g., 'when I start university'), and use 'study at university' or 'study at the university' as appropriate.