Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more direct and organized. Start with a clear topic sentence answering the question, avoid fillers (um, I mean), use correct grammar (past tense and articles), and add one or two specific supporting details. Keep it under 3–4 short sentences.

例: Yes, I enjoyed going to parks as a child. We didn’t have many proper parks in my neighborhood—just small play areas with plastic equipment—so I remember visiting larger parks occasionally for picnics and swings.

提案: Answer directly, use simpler and more natural phrasing, and give a specific reason or example. Avoid repetition (now, now) and use linking words like 'but' or 'however' correctly.

例: Not as much as before; as an adult I rarely visit parks because I’m busy with work. However, I still miss them and sometimes look at old photos of park outings when I want to relax.

提案: Clarify location and avoid contradictions. Start with a clear statement (I don’t live in a city), then say whether you want more parks and give a specific reason. Remove unclear words (‘Motorola’) and reduce hesitations.

例: I don’t live in a city; I live in a small town. Still, I would like more parks nearby so families have places to exercise and children can play safely.

提案: Give a concise direct answer and add one specific type of park or activity you would like. Avoid contradictory phrases ('Yes, I am not'). Use linking words like 'but' or 'however' to connect ideas.

例: I don’t have a specific park in mind, but I’d like to visit a large botanical garden or riverside park where I can walk and relax in nature.

× Yeah, I do. I mean, I did like going to park, but umm, we necessarily don't really have a park in here.

✓ Yeah, I did. I mean, I liked going to the park, but we didn't really have a park here.

The student mixed present and past tenses and omitted the article 'the' before 'park'. Use simple past 'liked' to match 'did' and 'didn't' for past context. Also use 'the park' or 'a park' with the definite/indefinite article; here 'the park' or 'a park' is appropriate and 'here' is more natural than 'in here'. Suggestion: Keep tense consistent (past) and include necessary articles: 'I liked going to the park, but we didn't really have a park here.'

× More like a umm, PlayStation for like kids, but not generally a park where there's a trees.

✓ More like a playground for kids, but not really a park with trees.

The original uses 'PlayStation' incorrectly (refers to a game console) and has a preposition/article error 'where there's a trees'. Replace with 'playground for kids' and use 'with trees' or 'that has trees'. Also use singular 'a tree' vs plural 'trees' with correct verb: 'there are trees'. Suggestion: Use correct noun and preposition: 'a playground for kids, but not really a park with trees.'

× Now that I'm becoming an adult, I rarely have the passion for going to parks now, but somehow I still missed it and I'm still reminiscing the moments that I've had.

✓ Now that I'm an adult, I rarely feel like going to parks, but I still miss them and I still reminisce about the moments I had.

'Becoming an adult' suggests a process; if status is current use 'I'm an adult'. 'Rarely have the passion for' is awkward — use 'rarely feel like'. 'Missed' is past; use present 'miss' to match ongoing feeling. 'Reminiscing the moments that I've had' should be 'reminisce about the moments I had'. Suggestion: Maintain consistent present tense for current feelings and use natural verbs: 'I rarely feel like going to parks, but I still miss them and reminisce about past moments.'

× Even though I didn't didn't leave in a city, I'm, I only live in the province, but yeah, I'd like to have my town full of, I mean, not full of parks, but there are more available parks, more Motorola.

✓ I don't live in a city; I live in the province. I'd like my town to have more parks available.

The original contains repetitions, wrong verb 'leave' instead of 'live', double negative and fragmented clauses. Also 'Motorola' is irrelevant. Simplify to clear sentences: use present simple 'I don't live' and infinitive 'to have' for desire. Remove extraneous words. Suggestion: Use simple, clear sentences: 'I don't live in a city. I live in the province. I'd like my town to have more parks.'

× Yes, I am not. I don't want to be specific. As long as it's park, I still just want to chill out and relax for the moment.

✓ Yes, I'm not sure. I don't want to be specific. As long as it's a park, I just want to chill out and relax for a while.

'Yes, I am not' is ungrammatical; 'I'm not sure' or 'I'm not particular' is appropriate. Use article 'a park'. 'For the moment' is okay but 'for a while' fits leisure context. Keep modal usage simple: 'don't want to be specific' is fine. Suggestion: Use proper collocations and articles: 'I'm not sure... As long as it's a park, I just want to chill out and relax for a while.'

× So yes, there's still parks that I wanted to go but I don't know where.

✓ So yes, there are still parks I want to go to, but I don't know where.

'There's' is singular contraction of 'there is' and cannot correctly introduce plural 'parks'; use 'there are'. 'Wanted' should be present 'want' to indicate current desire. Include particle 'to' after 'go' ('go to'). Suggestion: Match subject number with 'there are' and use present tense for current wishes: 'There are still parks I want to go to, but I don't know where.'