Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid fillers (uh). Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific details (activities, people, feelings). Keep within 3–4 sentences and correct small grammar issues (e.g., 'get some fresh air' and 'it was a way to relax').

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. I spent hours on the swings and slides with my siblings, and my parents often took us for weekend picnics. Those visits were relaxing and gave us a chance to play and enjoy fresh air.

提案: Use correct tense and smoother linking words. Start with a clear topic sentence about current habit, then add reasons with linking words like 'because' or 'however'. Avoid fragmented phrases and repetition.

例: I don't visit parks as often now because my interests have changed and I prefer reading in my free time. Also, the nearby parks are poorly maintained and lack basic facilities like benches, so they are not comfortable places to relax.

提案: This answer is strong but could be slightly more concise and avoid repeating similar ideas. Use one clear topic sentence, then two specific benefits with a linking phrase. Watch punctuation: avoid comma splices.

例: Yes, I would like more parks in the city because they provide an escape from urban stress and a chance to get fresh air. For example, parks with walking paths and playgrounds would encourage people to exercise and socialize outdoors.

提案: Be careful with sensitive statements; phrase them neutrally and clearly. Start with the desire, give one specific reason, and avoid overly long background details. Check place names and minor grammar (e.g., 'we experience here').

例: I'd like to visit a water park in my country because it would be a fun way to cool off in our hot climate. I've heard there are several, and if they become accessible to women in the future, I would definitely go.

× I really liked going to the parks when I was a child.

✓ I really liked going to parks when I was a child.

Using 'the parks' implies specific parks already known; general childhood habit uses plural without the definite article: 'going to parks' or 'going to the park'. Use 'going to parks' to indicate parks in general.

× My parents would often take us for a picnic, uh, on weekends and we would gather and have some lunch there and get some fresh.

✓ My parents would often take us for a picnic on weekends, and we would gather, have lunch there, and get some fresh air.

The original sentence is missing the noun 'air' after 'fresh' and has disfluent phrasing. Combine clauses with proper commas and include the noun 'air' to complete the idea: 'get some fresh air'.

× Uh, it was only a way.

✓ It was just a way to relax and spend time together.

The original sentence is incomplete and vague. Provide a complete clause with an infinitive purpose phrase: 'a way to relax and spend time together' clarifies meaning and completes the sentence.

× Since I grow up my interests have changed so I don't visit parks as often.

✓ Since I grew up, my interests have changed, so I don't visit parks as often.

'Since I grow up' mixes present tense with a past meaning. Use past tense 'grew up' for the time reference. Also add commas to separate clauses.

× I instead spend some my free time on reading books.

✓ Instead, I spend some of my free time reading books.

Incorrect word order and extra preposition 'on' are used. The correct phrasing is 'spend some of my free time reading books' or 'spend some time reading books'.

× Also, the nearby parks aren't very inviting or well maintained.

✓ Also, the nearby parks aren't very inviting or well maintained.

No correction needed; sentence is grammatical. (Included to show it matches the list: this sentence is correct.)

× They don't or they lack good facilities such as benches, so they're not good place to relax.

✓ They lack good facilities such as benches, so they're not a good place to relax.

Remove redundant 'don't or they' and add the article 'a' before 'good place' because 'place' is singular and requires an article: 'a good place'.

× For instance, parks with walking paths and playgrounds would encourage more people to exercise, socialize outdoors, and it would be a great change of scenery for them.

✓ For instance, parks with walking paths and playgrounds would encourage more people to exercise and socialize outdoors, which would be a great change of scenery for them.

The sentence mixes parallelism and adds an extra clause 'and it would be...' causing awkwardness. Use parallel structure 'exercise and socialize' and link the result with 'which would be' to keep grammatical cohesion.

× I've heard that there are several, but currently they are not open to women.

✓ I've heard that there are several, but currently they are not open to women.

Sentence is grammatically acceptable; no change needed. (Included to indicate it matches a listed type but is correct.)

× If they become accessible in the future, it would be a great way to enjoy some relief from the intense hot weather we experience here in Owen.

✓ If they become accessible in the future, it would be a great way to get some relief from the intense heat we experience here in Owen.

Use 'get some relief' rather than 'enjoy some relief' for natural collocation. Replace the awkward adjective-noun 'intense hot weather' with the noun phrase 'intense heat' for conciseness and correctness.