Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid hesitation sounds (e.g., "uh"). Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details (where, who, what you did) and finish with a brief comment or feeling. Reduce repetition (e.g., "cousins and my siblings" → "cousins and siblings").

例: I loved going to parks as a child. I usually went with my cousins and siblings to the nearby park, where we spent hours running, playing tag and climbing trees. After playing, we often sat on a bench and shared snacks while talking about our day, which made those visits really special.

提案: Eliminate repetition (several "now"s) and make linking clearer. Give one concrete example of what you do there and how it helps (stress relief, study break). Keep answer to 3–4 sentences maximum.

例: Yes, I enjoy parks even more now because they offer a break from student life. For example, I often go with friends to sit on the grass and chat or revise for exams, and the fresh air and birdsong help me relax and concentrate better.

提案: Clarify your main reason and avoid vague or inaccurate phrases ("growing rate of globalization" is unclear here). Use one or two specific benefits of more parks (children's play, community health) and connect ideas with linking words. Avoid starting multiple sentences with 'And'.

例: Yes, I would like more parks because our town has few green spaces. More parks would give children safe places to play and encourage residents to exercise, which would improve community health and social life.

提案: Be concise and correct factual descriptions (Shinjuku Gyoen is a large garden, not focused on "water activities"). Give one clear reason why you want to visit and finish the sentence. Use linking words to connect statements and avoid trailing off.

例: Yes — I would like to visit Shinjuku Gyoen in Japan because it is a large botanical garden with beautiful landscapes and seasonal cherry blossoms. I would love to go there with friends to walk around, take photos and enjoy the peaceful scenery.

× I loved going to the parks as a child.

✓ I loved going to parks as a child.

Using the definite article 'the' before 'parks' implies specific parks known to speaker and listener. In general reference to parks in childhood, no article is needed. Remove 'the' to make it general ('parks').

× I remember going there with my cousins and my siblings and we would spend hours just running around carefree without, uh, worrying about anything else.

✓ I remember going there with my cousins and my siblings, and we would spend hours just running around carefree without worrying about anything else.

There is an unnecessary filler 'uh' and a missing comma before the coordinating conjunction 'and' joining independent clauses. Remove filler and add comma to improve flow and punctuation. Also remove the comma before 'worrying' which breaks the sentence unnecessarily.

× And in the end, when we would get tired, we would end up having some snacks and drinks.

✓ At the end, when we got tired, we would have some snacks and drinks.

Beginning with 'And' is informal; change to 'At the end'. Use simple past 'got' for completed past habit; 'would end up having' is wordy—use 'would have'. This improves clarity and conciseness.

× I find myself liking going to parks now more than I did as a child.

✓ I find that I like going to parks now more than I did as a child.

The phrase 'find myself liking' is awkward and nonstandard for a general preference. Use 'find that I like' or simply 'I like going to parks now more than I did as a child' to express the comparison clearly.

× Now it's a get away from all the the stress that we get as students.

✓ Now it's a getaway from all the stress that we get as students.

There is a duplicated 'the the' and 'get away' should be one word 'getaway' as a noun. Remove the duplicate and use 'getaway' to correct article and word form.

× Now I find myself going to parks with my friends, just chatting there, sitting on the grass and listening to the birds.

✓ Now I go to parks with my friends, just chatting, sitting on the grass, and listening to the birds.

'Find myself going' is informal and wordy; use simple present 'I go' for habitual action. Remove 'there' which is unnecessary. Add commas for parallel structure.

× I would love to see more parks in my city as the growing rate of globalization, they have stopped making so many parks in our area.

✓ I would love to see more parks in my city. Because of the growing rate of globalization, they have stopped building so many parks in our area.

Original mixes two clauses incorrectly (comma splice). Also 'as' is awkward; use 'Because of' to show cause. 'Making parks' is unnatural; use 'building parks'. Split into two sentences to fix structure.

× Especially living in a town, you don't really get to see a lot of parks.

✓ Especially in a town, you don't really get to see many parks.

'Living in a town' as a dangling participle incorrectly modifies the subject. Recast as 'in a town' to avoid dangling modifier. Use 'many' rather than 'a lot of' for more natural count noun use.

× And I would want to go visit more parks, and not just for me, but for also other kids out there who should get out there, get out of their houses and start.

✓ I would want to visit more parks, not just for myself but for other children who should go outside, leave their houses, and get active.

Problems: 'go visit' is wordy—use 'visit'; 'for me' should be 'for myself'; 'also other kids' word order incorrect—'other children' is better; 'get out there' repeated and sentence ends abruptly with 'start'—provide clear verb 'get active'. Use parallel verbs and more natural pronouns.

× Living in Japan, there are many parks that are more than just playgrounds, so I would love to go to this one park in Shinjuku Goen which is a Botanical Garden and it has a lot of water activities going around which I really find interesting and to my liking.

✓ Living in Japan, there are many parks that are more than just playgrounds, so I would love to visit Shinjuku Gyoen, which is a botanical garden and has many water features that I find interesting and appealing.

Multiple issues: 'go to this one park in Shinjuku Goen' -> 'visit Shinjuku Gyoen' (correct name spelling 'Gyoen'). 'Botanical Garden' should be lowercase unless part of proper name. 'a lot of water activities going around' is awkward—use 'many water features' or 'water activities'. 'to my liking' is awkward; use 'appealing' or 'I find appealing'. Improve parallelism and clarity.

× So I would love to go there someday with my friends and.

✓ So I would love to go there someday with my friends.

Sentence ends with a dangling 'and' making it incomplete. Remove 'and' to complete the sentence.