Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid repetition. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details (who you went with, activities, feelings). Use linking words like "because" or "so" to connect ideas. Keep it within 3–4 sentences and correct small grammar issues (past tense consistency).

例: Yes. I loved going to the park with my family when I was a child because we often took our dog with us. We would play games on the grass and have picnics, which made those visits very special. Those memories still make me smile.

提案: Improve grammar and word order for clarity. Begin with a direct topic sentence, then give one specific reason and a brief detail. Use linking words like "especially" and "so" correctly, and avoid filler words. Aim for natural collocations ("as often as I can", "on my days off").

例: Yes, I still enjoy going to parks and try to visit as often as I can, especially on my days off. Being around trees and green spaces helps me relax, so I would like to go more often on weekends.

提案: Clarify meaning and correct vocabulary mistakes ("bars" likely should be "parks"). Use a clear topic sentence stating your opinion, then explain why with a specific reason. Avoid long run-on sentences and fix grammar ("there are not many parks"). Use linking words like "because" and "so" to connect clauses.

例: Yes, I would like to see more parks in my city because there are not many where I live now in Croatia. Parks make me feel relaxed and connected to nature, so having more of them would improve my quality of life.

提案: Give a clear answer naming the park correctly and add one or two specific reasons why you want to visit. Fix pronunciation or name spelling in speech by checking the correct name, and avoid repeated fillers. Use a linking phrase like "because" to explain the reason and a short prediction or plan.

例: Yes. I would love to visit Nairobi National Park in Kenya because I want to see wildlife in a natural setting. I dream of going there someday and hope to travel there within the next few years.

× Yeah, When I was a child, I really enjoyed going to the park with my family.

✓ Yeah, when I was a child I really enjoyed going to the park with my family.

The error is a sentence structure/capitalization issue: 'When' after a comma should not be capitalized. Also the comma before 'I really' is unnecessary. Keep 'when' lowercase and remove the extra comma to form a single clear clause.

× It was one of my favorite moments because we used to go with the with the dog and I, I really love my my, my dog.

✓ It was one of my favorite times because we used to go with the dog and I really loved my dog.

Problems include repetition ('with the with the', 'my my, my'), incorrect noun choice 'moments' (use 'times'), and tense inconsistency ('love' should be past 'loved' when talking about childhood). Remove duplicates, change 'moments' to 'times', and use past tense for consistency.

× It was incredible and was incredible all the time that I lived with him.

✓ He was incredible and always made me happy when I lived with him.

Original repeats 'was incredible' and lacks a clear subject for the second clause. Replace the second 'was' with a clearer structure. Use 'always' before the verb phrase and add 'made me happy' to express the intended meaning clearly in past tense.

× And I really enjoy.

✓ And I really enjoyed it.

As a child context requires past tense 'enjoyed'. The original is a fragment lacking an object; add 'it' to complete the sentence and change to past tense.

× Yeah, I go to parks always as I can, especially when I have my free days and I'm trying to stay around trees all the time and green places, but I would like to to go more, more days at weekends.

✓ Yeah, I go to parks whenever I can, especially on my free days because I like to stay among trees and green places, but I would like to go to parks more often on weekends.

'Always' is misplaced; use 'whenever I can'. Use 'on my free days' not 'when I have my free days'. 'Stay around trees' is unnatural; 'stay among trees' or 'in green places' is better. Remove duplicated 'to' and 'more'. 'At weekends' is acceptable but 'on weekends' and 'more often' are clearer.

× Yeah, actually now I'm living in Croatia and here is amazing, but I can't see too much parks and I would like to live in a place with a lot of bars where I can go always as I can because I really love it and and parks made me feel incredible in a natural place, which I love.

✓ Yeah, actually I'm living in Croatia now and it is amazing, but I can't see many parks and I would like to live in a place with a lot of parks where I can go whenever I can because I really love them; parks make me feel wonderful in natural surroundings, which I love.

Use 'it is amazing' not 'here is amazing'. 'Too much parks' is incorrect; use 'many parks'. The student likely meant 'parks' not 'bars'; replace accordingly. 'Go always as I can' should be 'go whenever I can'. 'Parks made me feel' should be present tense general statement 'parks make me feel' or past depending; here 'make' fits general preference but original mixed—choose present 'make' or past 'made'; I used present 'make' and 'wonderful' instead of 'incredible'. Fix duplicate 'and' and improve prepositions.

× Yes, I know bark Umm Niro Africa and go to that park is one of my dreams and I would like to say there is my big uh dream and I know in the future I I will be able to go.

✓ Yes, I know Park Umm Niro in Africa and going to that park is one of my dreams. I would like to say it is my big dream and I know in the future I will be able to go.

'bark' is a misspelling of 'Park'. Word order should be 'Park Umm Niro in Africa'. Use the gerund 'going to that park' as the subject. Remove filler 'uh' and duplicate 'I'. 'I will be able to go' is fine for future tense; combine into clearer sentences.