Parks— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and use clearer sentence boundaries. Start with a direct topic sentence, then add one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Reduce redundancy (e.g., “would” repeated) and correct small grammar issues (plural/singular agreement, articles).

例: Yes, I loved going to parks as a child. My family took us there every weekend, and I especially enjoyed riding my bike and playing games with other children. Sometimes we had family barbecues there, which made those visits even more memorable.

提案: Provide a clear topic sentence and organize supporting details with linking words (e.g., “for example,” “also”). Keep sentences tighter and avoid starting sentences with fragments like “Especially…”. Mention one or two specific activities and explain why they appeal to you.

例: I don't visit parks often nowadays, but I think I would still enjoy them. For example, I would go to read a book or relax after work, and I also like people-watching when I'm with friends because it helps me unwind.

提案: Fix grammar and be more specific. Use linking words to show contrast or consequence (e.g., “because,” “so”). Correct phrases like “visit much often” to “visit more often” and add concrete examples of desired park features (playgrounds, walking paths).

例: Yes, I believe my city needs more green spaces because the nearest park is about 30 minutes away. If there were a nicer, closer park with walking paths and benches, I would visit more often for exercise and relaxation.

提案: Begin with a direct answer and then give a specific, vivid example. Use linking words such as “for example” and avoid vague phrases like “I think that would be very fun.” Explain why the experience appeals to you.

例: Yes, I would like to visit botanical parks in tropical regions. For example, a park with rare butterflies and exotic plants would be fascinating because I enjoy observing wildlife and photographing unusual flowers.

× I did when I was a child.

✓ I did when I was a child.

This sentence is grammatically acceptable; no change needed. It correctly uses past tense 'did' to refer to a past preference.

× My family would always take us on the weekends to the park which was my favorite part of the week.

✓ My family would always take us to the park on weekends, which was my favorite part of the week.

The original word order is awkward. Move 'to the park' directly after 'take us' and place 'on weekends' after the verb phrase. Add a comma before the relative clause 'which was my favorite part of the week' to separate clauses.

× We would either ride a bike, play with the kids or catch up with friends or even sometimes on special occasion do a BBQ day which was super fun.

✓ We would either ride bikes, play with other kids, catch up with friends, or sometimes have a BBQ on special occasions, which was super fun.

Several issues: use plural 'bikes' for general activity (singular/plural consistency), 'the kids' changed to 'other kids' for clarity, reorder 'sometimes' and 'on special occasions' to 'on special occasions' and use 'have a BBQ' rather than 'do a BBQ day'. Add commas to separate list items and a comma before 'which' for the non-restrictive clause.

× I haven't been to a park in a very long time, but I do believe that if I went again I would still enjoy it the same as I did when I was a kid.

✓ I haven't been to a park in a very long time, but I believe that if I went again I would still enjoy it as much as I did when I was a kid.

Replace 'do believe' with simpler 'believe' (style) and change 'the same as' to 'as much as' which is the more natural comparison. Tense sequence is correct: present perfect for recent lack of experience and conditional for hypothetical visit.

× Especially if I were to go out with friends or alone, to read a book or crochet a bit, or just to relax after a long day and people watch.

✓ Especially if I were to go out with friends or go alone to read a book, crochet a bit, or just relax after a long day and people-watch.

Maintain parallel structure: use 'go out with friends or go alone' rather than mixing forms. Use infinitive 'to read' and base forms 'crochet' and 'relax' in a parallel list. Hyphenate 'people-watch' when used as a verb.

× I do think my city needs more park or green spaces.

✓ I do think my city needs more parks or green spaces.

Use plural 'parks' to match 'more' and maintain parallel structure with 'green spaces'. Original 'park' singular is incorrect with 'more'.

× The nearest park to us takes around 30 minutes to reach which is why I really go.

✓ The nearest park takes around 30 minutes to reach, which is why I rarely go.

Original 'to us takes' is awkward; drop 'to us'. Also context indicates the reason they don't go often, so 'rarely go' fits rather than 'really go'. Add a comma before 'which' to separate the clauses.

× If there was a nicer, closer park I would visit much often for exercise or relaxation.

✓ If there were a nicer, closer park, I would visit much more often for exercise or relaxation.

Use subjunctive 'were' for hypothetical condition. Place comma after the if-clause. 'Much often' is incorrect; correct phrase is 'much more often'.

× I don't remember the exact name of the park, but there are parks that are found in some tropical places where you can have access to very rare butterflies and plants and flowers.

✓ I don't remember the exact name of the park, but there are parks in some tropical places where you can see very rare butterflies, plants, and flowers.

Simplify 'are found in' to 'in' for natural phrasing and use 'see' instead of 'have access to' for clarity. Use commas to separate list items and avoid redundant 'plants and flowers' by listing both with a comma.

× I think that would be very fun to go to in the future.

✓ I think that would be very fun to visit in the future.

Use 'visit' instead of 'go to' when referring to a park (style). The conditional 'would be' is fine for a hypothetical future plan; this correction improves naturalness and verb choice.