Travelling— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and fix repetition and grammar. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add one specific supporting detail with a linking word. Reduce filler and avoid repeating words (e.g., "music to music").

例: Yes. I often look out the window when I travel by bus or car because the changing scenery combined with my music creates a relaxing atmosphere. For example, seeing city lights at night while listening to slow songs helps me unwind during long journeys.

提案: Remove hesitations and correct grammar (e.g., "a static photos" → "static photos" or "a static photo"). Give one clear reason and a brief example. Use linking words like "because" or "so" but avoid repeating them excessively.

例: Yes, I often take photos from the car window because I maintain a travel blog and want to share beautiful views with my readers. For example, I once photographed a coastal sunset and later used it in a blog post to show followers what the route looked like.

提案: Open with a direct topic sentence, then give two specific supporting details linked logically. Reduce filler words like "uh" and repeated conjunctions. Mention a brief example or memory to illustrate your preference more vividly.

例: I prefer the sea to the mountains because being near the ocean makes me feel calm and relaxed. For example, my happiest memories are childhood holidays at the seaside, where long walks on the beach and listening to waves always cheered me up.

× Personally, I enjoy looking out the window when I'm travelling by bus or car because I usually listen to the music to music when I travel and the scenery with the music make a unique atmosphere so I can enjoy my trip.

✓ Personally, I enjoy looking out the window when I'm travelling by bus or car because I usually listen to music when I travel, and the scenery together with the music creates a unique atmosphere, so I can enjoy my trip.

Errors: unnecessary article before 'music', incorrect plural/subject-verb agreement with 'scenery ... make', and awkward phrase 'the scenery with the music'. Suggestions: Remove the article 'the' before uncountable 'music', use 'together with' to connect scenery and music, and use singular verb 'creates' because the subject is a singular idea (the scenery together with the music). Also add punctuation to separate ideas. Use present continuous 'I'm travelling' consistently.

× Uh, personally, I usually take, uh, pictures of the view outside the car window because, uh, I love to take a static photos for my blog and I want people to see, uh, the beautiful views and sceneries, uh, so they can enjoy the trip, uh, with me by looking at this photo.

✓ Personally, I usually take pictures of the view outside the car window because I love to take static photos for my blog and I want people to see the beautiful views and scenery so they can enjoy the trip with me by looking at these photos.

Errors: 'a static photos' mixes singular article with plural noun; 'sceneries' is unnatural — 'scenery' is usually uncountable; inconsistent reference 'this photo' vs plural 'pictures'. Suggestions: Remove filler 'uh', match article and noun number (use no article for plural 'pictures' or use 'a' with singular), use uncountable 'scenery', and keep plural consistency with 'these photos'.

× Talking about my preferences, I definitely prefer the sea more than the mountains.

✓ Talking about my preferences, I definitely prefer the sea to the mountains.

Error: awkward comparative 'prefer X more than Y' is redundant since 'prefer' already indicates comparison. Use 'prefer X to Y' for correct structure. This is a present-tense preference; wording should be concise.

× And always when I am somewhere by the sea, I feel so calm.

✓ Whenever I am by the sea, I feel very calm.

Error: awkward adverb placement 'And always when' — use 'Whenever' for natural present-tense general statements. 'So calm' is acceptable but 'very calm' is more natural. Remove leading 'And' if unnecessary.

× And I remember my childhood because when I was a child we used to spend our holidays by the seaside.

✓ I remember my childhood because when I was a child we used to spend our holidays by the seaside.

Error: leading 'And' is unnecessary at sentence start; otherwise grammar is correct. Suggestion: Omit the conjunction 'And' at the beginning to make the sentence more formal and concise. 'Used to spend' correctly expresses past habitual action.

× So uh, this makes me feel happier.

✓ This makes me feel happier.

Error: filler 'uh' and sentence-initial 'So' are unnecessary. Suggestion: Remove filler words for clarity and directness; the sentence structure is otherwise fine.