Walking— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be concise and correct grammar; start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details using linking words. Avoid repetition and unclear references (e.g. 'train my child' and 'switch departments').

例: Yes, I walk a lot. As a gym trainer I move between clients and often carry equipment, which makes me walk frequently; additionally, as a student I walk between campus departments every day.

提案: Use past simple consistently and give one clear supporting detail with linking words. Remove redundant phrases and correct tense and pronoun errors.

例: Yes, I often walked outside as a child. For example, my mother encouraged me to walk alone around the neighborhood, which helped me become independent.

提案: Begin with a clear topic sentence and give two specific reasons using linking words. Avoid unclear or incorrect phrases ('people love me') and reduce fillers like 'uh'.

例: People enjoy walking in parks because of the peaceful green scenery and fresh air. In addition, well-maintained paths make it easy to walk or jog safely.

提案: Give a direct answer, then add a specific reason and a brief detail. Correct repetitions and awkward phrases, and mention particular attractions concisely.

例: If I had the chance, I'd take a long walk around Lahore. I want to visit its historic eight gates and explore the old city to experience its rich culture and architecture.

提案: Use correct past tense and a concise structure: topic sentence + one or two details. Avoid trailing off and include a linking word to show consequence or feeling.

例: I walked a lot yesterday at the airport; I covered about two kilometers while looking for my terminal. Although it was tiring, I enjoyed it because I like walking.

× Well actually yes I walk a lot because my hectic routine in the gym because I'm a trainer so there I walked a lot to train my child and go grab the dumbbells for them and as an also an active student so I often switch departments and this helps me.

✓ Well, actually yes, I walk a lot because of my hectic routine at the gym. I'm a trainer, so I walk a lot to train my clients and to fetch dumbbells for them. Also, as an active student I often switch departments, and this helps me get more walking.

The student mixes present and past forms and uses incorrect prepositions and noun forms. Use present simple for habitual actions ('I walk a lot', 'I am a trainer'). Use 'because of' with a noun phrase and 'at the gym' for location. Replace 'walked' with 'walk' for present habit, 'child' seems incorrect contextually so use 'clients' or 'people you train' if intended; 'go grab' should be 'fetch' or 'to get', and remove duplicate words. Break into shorter sentences for clarity.

× Yes, when I was a child, since my childhood, I often go for a walk. My mom tells me that when you were a child you go for a walk and by yourself and sometime you insist us go for go for me and for a walk. Yeah, I definitely go in a walk when I was a child.

✓ Yes, when I was a child I often went for walks. My mom told me that when I was young I went for walks by myself, and sometimes I insisted that we go for a walk. Yes, I definitely went for walks when I was a child.

The student uses present tense ('go') where past tense ('went') is required because the time reference is past ('when I was a child'). Change 'since my childhood' to a simpler past-time phrase and correct reported speech to past ('told' instead of 'tells'). Use plural 'walks' for repeated actions and fix word order and pronouns ('I insisted that we go').

× My mom tells me that when you were a child you go for a walk and by yourself and sometime you insist us go for go for me and for a walk.

✓ My mom told me that when I was a child I went for walks by myself, and sometimes I insisted that we go for a walk.

The speaker incorrectly shifts person ('you' instead of 'I') and uses wrong object pronoun ('insist us'). Maintain consistent first person ('I') when describing the speaker's childhood. Use 'insisted that we' to introduce a clause. Also correct tense to past ('told', 'went').

× People like to walk in parks, according to my observation is that people love me. People love the, the color green as well as the trees on there.

✓ People like to walk in parks. In my observation, people love the color green and the trees there.

The original has awkward phrasing ('people love me') and redundant words. 'According to my observation is that' is ungrammatical; replace with 'In my observation' or 'From my observation'. Remove duplicate 'the' and use 'there' for location. Keep sentences concise.

× They have aesthetic scenery and also the very good paths where we can walk easily without any hindrance.

✓ Parks have attractive scenery and good paths where we can walk easily without hindrance.

The original sentence has awkward subject reference and redundant modifiers ('the very good'). Rephrase to logical subject 'Parks' and use natural adjective 'attractive' or 'pleasant'. Remove unnecessary articles and simplify 'without any hindrance' to 'without hindrance'.},{