Walking— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and natural: start with a clear topic sentence, avoid filler words (uh), and limit to max 3–4 sentences. Mention frequency and purpose, then one brief detail. Use linking words like 'so' or 'therefore' to connect ideas.

例: Yes, I walk a lot. I try to walk about 10,000 steps every day for cardio, because it helps lower my cholesterol. As a result, I feel more energetic and healthier.

提案: Provide a direct topic sentence and specific supporting detail. Avoid uncertainty phrases like 'probably' and grammar errors. Use past tense consistently and add one short reason or example.

例: Yes, I often walked outside as a child. My family didn't own a car, so I walked to school and to visit friends most days, which helped me stay active.

提案: Give a clear topic sentence and add specific supporting details or examples with linking words. Avoid repetition and use varied vocabulary (e.g., 'relaxing', 'green space').

例: People enjoy walking in parks because of the peaceful atmosphere and fresh air. Moreover, parks offer green space and pleasant scenery, which helps people relax and escape city noise.

提案: Choose a specific place and explain reasons clearly and grammatically. Remove filler words and vague phrases like 'uncountable'. Use conditional form correctly and give 1–2 concise benefits.

例: If I had the chance, I would take a long walk along the seashore because the fresh sea air and sound of waves are very relaxing, and walking there would help me clear my mind.

提案: Be concise and correct repetitions. Use one strong topic sentence, then a brief specific detail (duration, what you enjoyed). Avoid repeating phrases and filler words.

例: Recently I visited Whitby Shores, which is near my home. I walked there for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the coastal views and fresh air.

× I have following, uh, a strategy to improve my cholesterol levels.

✓ I have the following strategy to improve my cholesterol levels.

The phrase 'following' should be used as an adjective with the definite article 'the' before it: 'the following strategy'. Without 'the' the noun phrase is ungrammatical. Use 'the following' to introduce items or a strategy. Suggestion: say 'I have the following strategy' or 'I have a strategy as follows.'

× Walking is the first one I can say and I'm walking almost 10,000 steps each and every day to do cardio and uh, reduce my cholesterol levels.

✓ Walking is the first thing I would mention, and I walk almost 10,000 steps every day to do cardio and reduce my cholesterol levels.

Mixes awkward phrasing and tense/aspect. 'The first one I can say' is unnatural; use 'the first thing I would mention'. 'I'm walking almost 10,000 steps each and every day' is present continuous but expresses a habitual action, so simple present 'I walk' is appropriate. Remove filler words. Suggestion: use simple present for habitual actions: 'I walk almost 10,000 steps every day.'

× I don't exactly remember what I was doing when I when I am a child.

✓ I don't exactly remember what I was doing when I was a child.

Incorrect mixing of present and past. The time clause refers to childhood (past), so use past tense 'was' not present 'am'. Also remove duplicate words. Suggestion: use consistent past tense in time clauses about the past: 'when I was a child.'

× When I was a child, probably I was walking a lot because I don't have a car.

✓ When I was a child, I probably walked a lot because we didn't have a car.

The main clause refers to past time, so use past simple 'walked'. 'I don't have a car' is present tense and contradicts past context; use past 'we didn't have a car' or 'I didn't have a car'. Also move 'probably' to a natural position. Suggestion: use past tense consistently for past events: 'I probably walked a lot because we didn't have a car.'

× People like to walk in parks because of the atmosphere, calm and peaceful environment.

✓ People like to walk in parks because of the calm and peaceful atmosphere.

Word order and article use are awkward: 'the atmosphere, calm and peaceful environment' mixes nouns redundantly. Combine adjectives before the noun: 'the calm and peaceful atmosphere.' Use 'the' with a specific noun. Suggestion: reorder adjectives before the noun: 'the calm and peaceful atmosphere.'

× As a result, people choose more to walk in the parks.

✓ As a result, more people choose to walk in parks.

Incorrect word order and unnecessary definite article. 'Choose more to walk' is awkward; place 'more' before the subject 'people' and use plural 'parks' without 'the' for general meaning. Suggestion: say 'more people choose to walk in parks.'

× If I had the chance I would walk near shorts because it gives a good fresh air and uh, the kind of relaxation we are going to get is uh, uncountable.

✓ If I had the chance, I would walk near the shore because it gives good fresh air, and the kind of relaxation we would get is indescribable.

Multiple errors: 'near shorts' is likely a mispronunciation of 'shore' or 'shorts' is wrong; use 'shore' for coastal walks or 'shorts' is wrong as a place. Missing comma after the conditional clause. 'gives a good fresh air' should be 'gives good fresh air' (no article). 'we are going to get is uncountable' is unnatural; use 'we would get is indescribable' or 'cannot be counted' but 'indescribable' fits better. Also maintain conditional tense 'would'. Suggestion: clarify intended location ('shore' or 'shorts'?), use conditional 'would', remove unnecessary articles, and choose appropriate adjective 'indescribable.'

× Recently I visited I visited uh Whitby Shores which is near to my home.

✓ Recently I visited Whitby Shores, which is near my home.

Duplicate 'I visited I visited' should be reduced to one instance. Use comma before the non-restrictive clause 'which is near my home' and remove unnecessary 'to' after 'near'. Suggestion: remove repetitions and correct preposition use: 'which is near my home.'

× I had a long walk around 30 minutes.

✓ I took a long walk of about 30 minutes.

Use a natural expression for duration: 'took a long walk' rather than 'had a long walk', and 'around 30 minutes' should be 'about 30 minutes' or 'for about 30 minutes'. Suggestion: say 'I took a long walk of about 30 minutes' or 'I went for a long walk for about 30 minutes.'